The 3 Surprising Kind of Kindness

Most of us like others to be kind to us. Many of us like to be kind to others.

What is kindness though? Yes showing a smile to a colleague, giving people a hand when they are in need, complimenting someone who has done a good job, these are all acts of kindness. But here are 3 surprising kind of kindness.

1.      Clear is kind

It is always easier to share the good news with someone, while not so much with the not so good news. However, fundamentally being clear is kind. For example, for a President or CEO of a company, when the company is not doing so well, to tell it as it is, and to give clear ideas to the employees how they can help, is not only courageous but kind.

I was in WesternGeco in 2003 as a new hire, and at the time the seismic business was very much struggling. One day the President of the company came to Houston and had a meeting with a few of us in the consulting division. He asked some of the managers to write on the white board what were important to our customers. One of the managers wrote "AVO", which is an advanced technique of data interpretation. The President went to the board and crossed it off and said "AVO is not important to our customers. Helping them with exploration success is important to our customers. We are in the most challenging business environment currently. We can only survive and succeed if we understand very deeply what our customers really need ultimately." And then he went on to discuss with us what were some of the struggles the customers really had and how we could help.

It was that moment, we felt we had very clear direction from the President. Yes he didn't bring us the rosy good news; but he told us as it was, and enlisted us to help make the company successful.

Clear is kind.

2.      Asking "How are you" and then actually listen for an answer is kind

We are all so busy to the point that so often when people ask "how are you", it becomes a formality to move on quickly to the "real important topics". However, if one actually listens, it gives both sides so much joy.

One time I heard a leader sharing her mental status before a burnout. She said "as a leader, sometimes you feel like the pilot of a plane. Yes you can have the stress, yes it may be true that you can say "it's ok to be not ok", but as a leader I often think that if I'm the pilot of the plane, then I simply just cannot not land the plane."

How many feel this kind of pressure and stress in their professional lives? So next time, take the time to ask "how are you" and really listen, or really share with others when they ask "how are you" - these are all quite rare kind of kindness.

3. Ask about their loved one's name is kind

How many of us do not really know what to say or ask, when a colleague tells you something like "my father passed away"? What should you say? "I'm truly sorry to hear that" is probably the most common reaction that naturally comes to our mind. Most often in such situations, no matter what we say, it does not feel right or wrong, and the other side also most often do not know how to respond, because quite simply, with the gravity of loss and sadness of such magnitude, words become quite pale and powerless.

Therefore it really struck me last week when I heard Anderson Cooper talking with NPR about such topic. He suffered great loss of his father, mother, and brother in his life. And he said, when someone shared a loss, a simple question such as "what was his name?" or "What job did she do?" can be quite powerful - because the other side can then share back a few memories with you, and that process itself is very healing.

Indeed names are very powerful. I have heard about the Sandy Hook shooting a few times before, but the time that I was really in my tears, was when I was driving recently and heard NPR read out the names of each and every one of the victims.

So if a friend or colleague shares with you the loss of a loved one due to old age or sickness or other reasons, ask about their names and really listen to their stories. And that is also a really rare kind of kindness.