3 themes, 2 tools, and 1 quote from Jessi Hempel on how we each "come out" of our closets

 In the Arena is LinkedIn News’ weekly human potential podcast hosted by (me) Leah Smart. You’ll hear from some of the world's brightest minds and bravest hearts about how to show up daily to live a better & more meaningful life. Each week, this newsletter shares learnings and practices connected to the conversations. Subscribe to the show's newsletter here. This week we're sitting down with Jessi Hempel, the host of LinkedIn's Hello Monday, on her new memoir The Family Outing.

This week I got the opportunity to interview the Host of In the Arena’s sister podcast, Hello Monday. Jessi Hempel’s new memoir, The Family Outing was released on October 4th. In it, Jessi shares the story of her and her family all coming out in different ways. Two of Jessi’s siblings, her dad, and Jessi herself all came out as members of the LGBTQIA+ community. While her mom began to explore the connection to painful memories from her own past.

Though the story is told by Jessi, it’s truly a compilation of what every family member recalls and experienced- reminding us that our minds and hearts don’t hold the same memories as those we share lives with. At one point in the story, Jessi recalls an argument before a cross-country trip with her sister, Katje. And while she couldn’t remember the reason for the disagreement and assumed it was unimportant, it held massive weight for Katje. This subtle moment illustrates that the people in our lives (and each of us) are all starring in their own movies where we play leading and supporting roles. We have influence. What we say and do matters.

Jessi opens up about what happens not just when we play our roles but when we change our roles in any dynamic. Our conversation and her book covered so many meaningful topics that I’m going to use author James Clear’s “3, 2, 1” format to share three themes worth considering, two tools worth trying, and one quote worth unpacking.

3 Themes

1.  Most of us have a closet to come out of. And what we don’t accept about ourselves and our experiences can eat us alive. It’s common to believe that if something is not acceptable in our environments, communities, or societies, we’re better off tamping it down. And that in doing so, we may extinguish it. But as Jessi notes, on the other side is freedom.
2. Chosen communities can support our process. Today we live in a world where we are exposed to more human beings than previous generations ever have been. And while coming out of whichever closet we’re in is a deeply personal act of bravery, we don’t have to do it alone. Finding one person who can say, “I’m here” or “same here” can make the challenge feel more likely to be overcome.
3. Exposure can transform how much of ourselves we become. A phrase I love is “if you can’t see it, you can’t be it.” And it applies in many scenarios. But in the instance of choosing something as brave as showing up as yourself in an environment where that could be challenging, having examples and role models is key. For me, Jessi’s book serves as exposure and hope for anyone who is considering their own reinvention.  

 2 Tools 

The wheel of life is a very common coaching tool used to help people learn which areas of their life need their attention. Typically, when I ask people to fill it out I ask them to rate their current and desired levels of satisfaction. But I’m going to use it in this context to have you ask yourself, which area– if you focused on it– would allow you to feel more like “you”?

 Inevitably the area, while exciting could also be a bit terrifying– to fully embrace it could be an act of exposure and possible judgment from others. I always like using Byron Katie’s framework called The Work to peel back layers of beliefs.

Using the fear or belief you have about being more authentic in this area, ask these four questions:

1.          Is it true?

2.         Are you 100% sure it’s true?

3.        How do you think, feel and act when you buy into it?

4.        Who would you be without it? 

1 Quote

When Katje explained what the essence of her argument with Jessi was about, she said this, ”It was a conversation in which I was asking myself, looking back now, would I be able to be in relationship with you– and still be me?” 

You can find The Family Outing here and follow Jessi here.

Until next time…what advice do you have for someone considering re-learning, fully accepting, or reinventing themselves?