5 Tips to becoming a vulnerable man

It is clear to me in the work that I do with companies that the key missing ingredient for truly inclusive workplaces is vulnerability. Vulnerability is key to building trust, being able to have conversations that can often be uncomfortable, solving complicated problems and building deeper and more meaningful relationships with other people. Perhaps, most importantly, I have seen how by being vulnerable, you give permission for others to open up themselves which ties in beautifully with the quote by Sonali D’Silva: “Inclusive leaders allow people to put down their armour and pick up the courage to be themselves.”

And to quote the Queen of vulnerability:

However, through our 2020 Masculinity in the Workplace (MIW) research, we know that there is a significant gap between how many employees rate the importance of vulnerability as a key leadership skill compared to how many think it is actually rewarded in the workplace:

To a certain extent this should not be a surprise when we consider how many companies still have a skewed male senior leadership as there is no doubt that men tend to struggle far more with vulnerability. And while our own research shows that both women and men equally struggle in the workplace, asking them why is very different. Women will tend to tell us that they are very comfortable being vulnerable with their friends but they are not comfortable with being vulnerable at work as it will be judged negatively and could possibly impact their career. In the MIW research referenced above however, when you speak to men, the answer can be typified by this statement given to me by a senior leader “You are asking me to be vulnerable in the workplace when I can’t even be vulnerable with my wife.”

This is a brilliant example of how the patriarchy damages almost everyone. From an early age we are told not to cry and taught to put our armour on. Robert Webb sums it up well in his book ‘How not to be a Boy’ when he writes, ‘when we tell a boy to act “like a man”, we’re effectively saying, ‘stop expressing your feelings.’ And if the boy hears that enough, it starts to sound uncannily like: “Stop feeling those feelings”.’

I think it's fair to say that I have had my own journey with vulnerability both at personal level as well as a professional level (which you can hear about in the latest Vulnerable Man podcast HERE). Here are 5 things that have either helped me or have helped the male leaders I have worked with in their own journey to becoming a more vulnerable man:

1. Watch Brene Brown’s TED Talk

One senior leader recently said to me “Thanks for sharing that video with me. It has perhaps changed my life.” 

2. Reconnect with your feelings

One of the challenges that many men face is that over time they have become disconnected with their feelings. I think Bell Hooks summarises the challenge we are faced with in her wonderful book, The Will to Change:

"The reality is that men are hurting and that the whole culture responds to them by saying, 'Please do not tell us what you feel.' ... If we cannot heal what we cannot feel, by supporting patriarchal culture that socializes men to deny feelings, we doom them to live in states of emotional numbness. We construct a culture where male pain can have no voice, where male hurt cannot be named or healed."

One simple way of getting used to connecting with your own feelings is to simply use the feelings wheel to work out how you are feeling. Inspired by Josh Connolly (see more below), I will now often start sessions with men by asking them to pick a word from the wheel that best describes how they are feeling and then putting them into small groups of 3, asking them to share to each other for 5 minutes what is driving that feeling and ensuring that those listening do so actively and specifically do not try and fix anything. This exercise helps develop both vulnerability and the skill of empathy, another one of the key inclusive traits.

3. Attend a Men’s Circle

I have seen first hand through the Token Man Braintrust (a collective of male leaders committed to accelerating inclusion and diversity) the power of having just men together in a room. Men’s Circles provide the opportunity for men to just sit together and talk about life and are readily available to all thanks to the likes of the brilliant Men’s Speak, which offers daily live men's groups online as well as Andy’s Man Club which specialises in supporting men’s mental health through the power of conversation. 

I had the pleasure just a few weeks ago to hear from Arthur and Glyn from BAE Systems on how they had created a men’s group within the business called GENts. It was so inspiring to hear the positive impact they had created within the business including helping to save someone’s life by providing him support at a time when he had suicidal thoughts. Channel 4 have also created a network specifically for men called The Shed and I expect to see far more companies recognising the need to provide this support to their employees who identify as men.

4. Find other creative ways to connect with men

There is perhaps nothing more powerful than being in a room with 30 other men all crying. That’s what I had the privilege of experiencing when I went to my first Uncommon Man session in the summer. Led by resilience coach Josh Connolly, it's a group who meet up on a monthly basis to connect, heal and grow through exercises (such as feelings exercise) and group breathwork, helping to release some of the trapped tension and pain in the body.

Another example is Soft Stuff which is aimed at exploring black men’s mental health through creativity. Please do post any other examples you find in the comments below and I will also post any new ideas as they come through.

5. Join us at Masculinity in the Workplace on 22nd November

I am delighted to say that we have Christopher Veal, the host of the Vulnerable Man podcast, joining us for our 5th Masculinity in the Workplace event which is focused on engaging men with inclusion and diversity and helping them to embrace the skills that will enable them to become more inclusive leaders. More details and tickets HERE. 

If you have found other ways to develop your own vulnerability, I would love to hear from you. Either post in the comments below or send me a direct message. We are always trying to find new ways to connect people with their own vulnerability.