6 Family Truths I've Learned Along the Way

I’m one week into my no complaining commitment and it’s harder than I thought. But what has kept me moving forward and committed are all of the incredible comments I’ve received since my Sunday Paper column came out last week (You can read them here and on Facebook).

So many of us are in the same boat, feeling bitchy or bogged down and so many of us are also inspired to DO better and BE better. I’ve read a lot of your comments and suggestions and a few really struck me — one in particular asked, ‘What do you think your parents did that brought you together and helps you stay together as a family?’

I thought long and hard about this (I have more time to think since I’m not busy complaining). I actually have thought a lot about this before the question was asked because I’ve always been hopeful my four children will stay involved with each other long into the future.

And I think the answer lies in a few things my mother used to say that have always resonated with me.

1.) Loyalty to family. My mother stressed this non-stop and also exemplified it in her own life. She was devoted to her parents and her siblings. She worked with them, played with them and made it her business to stay connected to their business.

2.) Find something to collaborate with your siblings on that is about making the world better. My mother made my brothers and I work on, and in, the Special Olympics — the organization she founded (and started in our backyard). It wasn’t an option not to be involved. She also made our friends get involved.

Now, each of my brothers run non-profits (Bobby is co-chair and co-founder of Vets Advocacy, Inc. and (Red). Timothy is Chairman of the Special Olympics. Mark is the President of Save the Children Action Network. And Anthony is the founder and Chairman of Best Buddies International). They work everyday to make the world a more caring, compassionate and conscious place. And I help them in any and every way I can, because I believe in what they are doing and I’m also trying to stay connected to what they are connected to (in fact, join me and Team Maria on the Best Buddies Hearst Castle Challenge in a couple weeks!).

3.) Don’t come between your brothers and their spouses.Really smart advice. I have four sister-in-laws. I love them all and I’ve tried to develop my own relationships with them, but I also stay out of their relationships with my brothers…or at least I try to.

4.) Support my brothers’ families and develop relationships with their children. We can all support our siblings by emotionally supporting their families — especially their kids — with our time, our joy, our wisdom. They are the next generation, and the people you’ll pass your family values on to.

5.) Make time for your brothers; gather with them as much as you can. My mother used to always say ‘You can fight with your brothers, you can beat them in a sport (ha!), but never give up on them or lose contact with them, they are more than friends, they are family, so make it work.’

And there is one thing my mother never told me, but it’s something I’ve figured out on my own along the way:

6.) Your siblings each have their own experiences with your parents and with one another. Don’t disparage their experiences, listen to them, try to understand what they felt, and then work towards healing in a gentle, calm, nurturing, loving way. I’ve discovered yelling, judging, screaming, insisting that things were “Never that way,” never, ever works…especially with brothers. And, if one of your siblings does confide in you, DO NOT repeat what one sibling said about the other to the other. Respect confidentiality. Trust me.

Last week when my brothers and I were all together, one of my brothers quietly mentioned to me, “You know, I think men are more trapped today than many women.”

So, if you have brothers like me — or sisters — give your siblings a safe space, a reassuring space, to talk. And then listen. Tell them you have no judgment towards them, hold them like you would like to have been held by your mother or your father, hold their experience in your mind and your heart and before you know it, you will, in fact, be holding them in every way.

Wherever your siblings are at the end of this summer, reach out to them, listen to them, hold them. Don’t complain to them about them their kids, their wives or your parents. Remember, this is a complain-free zone…at least until Labor Day.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about this week. What about you?