6 Questions to Activate Your Confidence + Clarity

I've always been a curious person.

I'm driven and open to exploring new ideas and experiences, learning and building knowledge, and growing and developing personally and professionally.

I love figuring out how to make whomever or whatever I touch better in some way, to find better ways of doing things, and to explore novel ways of thinking.

It makes me feel alive and makes life exciting to always be wondering, "What could be?"

Curiosity is about noticing without judgment or assumptions. Assumptions and judgments shut us down, while curiosity opens us up and invites us to consider what's possible.

We need more curiosity in the world.

When we're curious and take time to reflect on thoughtful questions, we can arrive at greater clarity.

When we're willing to turn the mirror on ourselves and allow other people to reflect back what they see in us, it helps to build our confidence.

To me, the unmuted life is a life of greater confidence, clarity and boldness. It's a life marked by curiosity and a willingness to ask questions and unmute the voices of others to speak into our lives.

When I'm supporting leadership teams, emerging leaders or groups of women leaders through virtual trainings and workshops, I always, always, always leave them with at least one question to consider that I hope will lead to some kind of positive change.

I've been asked countless questions in my life, and I want to share some of the most powerful ones that have stuck with me with you today.

Questions that have helped me arrive at greater confidence and clarity.

Questions that made me shift how I show up in the world.

Questions that I hope will do the same for you.

The Six Questions

1. What do people thank you for most often?

I learned this question from Danielle LaPorte, author of one of my favorite books, The Fire Starter Sessions.

What people thank us for most often is often a reflection of the goodness we bring to the world. We might take for granted when someone tells us we're a great listener, or creative, or a skilled integrator of ideas, or a truth teller, or funny, or wise and insightful, or a source of encouragement or inspiration. When something comes naturally to us, we tend to downplay it or minimize it and think it's not a big deal.

But maybe it is and you just don't realize it because it feels "easy" for you.

Start to pay attention to what people thank you for.

It's likely an indicator of your genius.

2. What shows up when I do? What qualities do I bring into a room?

About four years ago, my friend, Lori Raggio, sat across a table from me at a Starbucks and asked me to write down a list of people who know me well. Then, she presented me with the two questions above and asked me to call one of those people and ask them those questions.

To say I felt uncomfortable is an understatement, but I accepted the challenge and called my friend Kara. I wasn't allowed to "explain" the questions or provide context. I had to ask the questions verbatim and sit back and wait for her response. (Talk about awkward!)

One thing I remember Kara saying was, "You bring both a calming presence and an excited energy." She continued to reflect back what she saw in me, and I was humbled by the specificity and generosity of her words. I went through that process several more times with about a dozen other people and started to see myself differently at a fundamental level.

As someone who has often questioned whether I am accepted or liked or wanted in a group of people, hearing their words was life-giving and even healing, words like: "empowering," "kind," "vibrant," "authentic," "vulnerable," "contagious quality," "intentional," "attentive," "you give me freedom to be myself," "emotionally open / openness," and "electrified."

The feedback that emerged from that reflective experience increased my confidence and enhanced my clarity about how I am experienced, perceived and received by others. Give it a try. Jot down what people say. Make sure to ask people who have earned the opportunity to give you that kind of feedback. Invite them to reflect back the goodness they see in you.

3. When have you seen me at my best?

I first learned about the Reflected Best Self practice several years ago and have found it to be one of the most effective ways to get direct feedback about our strengths from people who know us. It's similar to the process above but different enough that I wanted to separate the two.

Here's how the process works:

1. List 10+ people from different contexts in your life who have seen you at your best (coaches, mentors, bosses, colleagues, friends, teachers, family, managers, team members, etc.).
2. Send them an email asking, “Can you please describe a time or times when you've seen me at my best?" You can let them know that you're in the process of growing personally and professionally and you respect and value them and their insights.
3. Once you've gathered their responses, read through them and make note of any themes about your strengths that emerge from people's comments.
4. Write a self portrait in one to two paragraphs using the feedback you receive, starting with the phrase: “When I am at my best, I…”

I've even created a quick, 2-minute overview video of the Reflected Best Self process if you want to check it out. Feel free to share the video with your leaders, team members or anyone else you think would benefit!

4. How do you want to FEEL?

And what do you do that makes you feel that way? When I stumbled upon Danielle LaPorte's book, The Desire Map, at a cafe in Baltimore eight years ago, I read a question that changed the way I approach goal-setting:

How do you want to feel?

Instead of adding 27 more uninspired goals to your to do list, what if we reflected on how we want to feel and thought about what actions make us feel the way we want to feel?

Over the years, I've chosen words like Radiant, Flowing, Clarity, Free, Abundant, Playful and Connected. Then I think about what actions or behaviors make me feel the way I want to feel and intentionally integrate those behaviors into my life as often as I can.

For example, I feel connected when I spend undistracted (i.e., iPhoneless), quality time with people I love, have phone calls or meet-ups with close friends, go away on retreats and have time to reflect, go on getaways to new places with my husband, or have a soul-baring conversation with someone who trusts me and feels safe to share and be open with me.

I feel radiant when I speak and train groups of people, tell stories, sing, dance, brainstorm, integrate ideas, wear a brightly colored outfit, spend time with people who make me laugh, and have conversations with interesting people on podcasts or livestream shows.

How about you? How do you want to feel? What could you do today to activate that feeling?

5. If I say "yes" to this, what am I saying "no" to that is important to me or those I love?

So often we prioritize spending "a few more minutes" checking email or finishing a proposal or responding to a client or taking a call at the expense of a workout, sleep, or quality connection time that we desperately need to restore our body, mind and spirit.

We take a job for the title or the paycheck or take on another external commitment ("They NEED me!") without considering the impact it will have on our stress levels or time and energy away from our loved ones.

We don't pause to ask ourselves what we're compromising or saying "no" to by saying "yes" to something else.

I get it. I've been there.

Five years ago, I said "yes" to more and more and more responsibilities at work and "no" to rest, downtime, support, social time, my spiritual wellbeing, sleep and relationships. I ended up burned out (literally) and bottomed out. I didn't consider that my "yes"es at work meant "no" to my loved ones and my wellbeing.

6. Who gets the best of you and who gets what's left of you?

This is a variation of the yes/no question above. Several years ago, I asked this question to a group of 100 managers at a global consulting firm in a training I was facilitating about beating burnout and shifting from "fried" to flourishing.

One of the leaders in the room was a single mom who took this question to heart.

Within 48 hours, she went home and talked to her partner about what it brought up for her. The next day, she asked her boss for a change in her role so she could spend more time with her partner and her son and not travel between the Mid-Atlantic and the South.

I'll never forget what that mom wrote to me in a message here on LinkedIn after she found the courage to ask for what she needed and her boss allowed her to drop the travel part of her job so she could be home more:

She said, "Rachel, I slept better last night than I have in a year."

Questions are powerful.

Asking better questions can help us arrive at deeper insights that can elevate our clarity and confidence.

💬 Which of these questions was most helpful to you? Which one will you commit to reflecting on or using first? Let us know in the comments or send me a DM!

How can I help?

Over the last 15+ years, I’ve devoted myself to helping organizations, leaders and teams become resilient, connected, compassionate, engaged and energized. I've done this through interactive keynotes, workshops, leadership trainings and retreats nearly 300 times virtually and also facilitate and speak in person.

If you're interested in learning more about my services for yourself or someone else on the topic above or other topics, start here and we can find time to connect.

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