A 7 step guide on how to lose....

Written by Janani D'Silva, active gratefulness practitioner, coach and technology consultant.

From a very young age, we've been engineered - configured - guided - expected to win. Races, competitions, streaming, exams - there's a said and unsaid expectation we face to get ranked somewhere at the top. Working with many people, including myself brings out themes of fear of failing, the fear of losing, the fear of embarrassment, fear of negative feedback - which holds so many back from even having a go, playing small and playing safe for a good part of our existence, so that we protect ourselves. If only we are coached from a young age on how to lose and not lose the learning....we may all just live more extraordinarily.

When we focus on winning, there's such a risk of losing the joy of the journey to get there. When we study for the sake of passing, the effort and the joy of understanding the content isn't our focus...it's more of a cram to get through the exam and a purge of most of the content afterwards. If we stop to think about it...what was the point in that at all really - if we were to authentically understand and love what we are learning, the joy of it will provide so much more happiness than the score at the end.

Speaking to several leaders at the top of their game, the resounding sound of their success is not in the wins they've had, but the lessons their failures, their mistakes, their shortcomings have provided. The essence of how to lose, is to not lose the lesson. The fundamental of losing, is to treat the event as an experience. The absolute must of losing well, is to acknowledge what happened, what was learnt, pick up the lesson and moving on and not letting the judge in you to punish you time and gain.

There are great stories from Thomas Edison's thousands of failures in his attempt to invent the light bulb, to Albert Einstein who was deemed to be a slow and below average in his mental capability, to Winston Churchill who failed repeatedly at school, then exams to get into the military, to being defeated in his first attempt to get into parliament, and of course Michael Jordan - who is famously quoted to say: "I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot ... and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. That is why I succeed."

Here are some points you can ponder upon in regards to how you approach success and failure - to help you on your path to your success:

1. When there's a competition - with a clear call out of a winner and that wasn't you - think to yourself - what weight do you give the trophy, versus the exposure, the learning, the gratitude to even be able to participate.
2. Lost? Stings a little? Use your empathy to think about the others who weren't participating, the winner who would have done what they did to win, the fellow participants who also lost, and celebrate the humanity that won - it just wasn't represented by you....this time.
3. Lost to someone? Perhaps they were just better than you. Happens. Move on.
4. Gave it your best? Great. Let it go!
5. Feeling defeated? You were. Move on.
6. Put your learning into action. Fine tune, and go again. Made a blunder in a presentation - get to the root cause and adjust for next time, find the opportunity to do it again. Fumbled whilst speaking in public, practice and find the opportunity to do it again. Try and try again to get out of your comfort zone and be brave to fail and braver to stand up and try again.
7. Someone giving you a hard time about failing? They're a jackass. Don't let that jackass be you.

Carrying the negativity of losing will make you lose again and again. When you research on the power of thoughts, vibration and energy you'll find so much theory and physiology on the power of thoughts. Do your best to let go of the negativity so you don't carry that with you. If what made you compete makes you a winner in your eyes, carry that energy with you. You need to be a winner in your own eyes. Matters more than any judgement and any medal anyone else can give you.

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Thank you for reading my article. I coach and mentor the junior workforce in the organisation I work for, and am also a mother of three, wife of one and friend of many! I have been in management consulting and technology project delivery for 19 years and my joy comes from helping clients, colleagues and friends succeed personally and professionally.