8 Hurtful Ways People Let Themselves Down Every Day

Part of Kathy Caprino's series "Becoming The Most Powerful Version of You"

As I enter a second decade of helping people build happier lives and livelihoods, I continually see that our professional successes and failures - and our crushed hopes - have everything to do with what we believe about ourselves (either consciously or unconsciously), as well as how we’ve learned to operate in the world and navigate through our challenges.

People often see outer circumstances as beyond their control and the culprit behind their dissatisfaction and disappointment, thwarting them at every turn. But in reality, our inner beliefs, assumptions, mindsets and self-perceptions are directly shaping our outer experiences. My research has shown (and I've seen firsthand in my own life) that when people are not sufficiently clear about what is motivating them, what they are capable of, and how their past has shaped them, and when they're not confident or brave enough to take accountability for what they can change (which is more than we think it is), they often fail to achieve their highest and happiest dreams and goals.

And we let ourselves down on a daily basis.

Below are what I've seen to be 8 most damaging ways people fail themselves regularly:

#1: They don’t speak up for themselves

The vast majority of people I've met and worked with who are deeply dissatisfied with their lives and work (and relationships) suffer from one core challenge: an inability to speak up authoritatively and confidently for what they want and deserve.

In my former therapy work and now in leadership and career coaching, I've observed a powerful trend:

People often fail to evaluate rationally and objectively what they want and deserve. And even when they do get clear on what they want, they often hold back from taking a strong stand for it.

This is typically an outgrowth of what folks learned in their families - namely that speaking up for themselves wasn't safe or allowed. Adult children of narcissists, for instance, were trained in their childhoods that taking a stand and expressing beliefs that ran counter to their parents' views would often have disastrous results.

But this challenge isn’t reserved only for those who’ve experienced narcissism or extreme emotional manipulation growing up. It’s also apparent in thousands of women and men who feel guilty or selfish (or unworthy) if they consider pursuing what they want most deeply.

This inability to speak up powerfully is what I refer to from my research as Power Gap #2 of the 7 most damaging power gaps that 98% of professional women and 90% of men face today. Gap #2 is Communicating From Fear Not Strength, and based on results from my recent Power Gap Survey, 70% of the over 1,400 women studied are experiencing this gap today.

Here's more about it:

Tip: Commit to having the one most important conversation in your life this month that is begging to be had, that will pave the way for asking for what you want and deserve, and getting it. (For more about all 7 damaging power and confidence gaps and how to overcome them, check out my book The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss and my 8-week live training course The Most Powerful You.

#2: They don’t take the time to connect with what they're truly feeling or wanting

Life can be grueling sometimes and our commitments and responsibilities can be hard to juggle, especially with the added challenges from post-pandemic shifts, including less time to unplug, relax, and be quiet and calm within ourselves. We’re running, chasing, and striving, without giving ourselves the chance to just be.

Sadly, when we don't make the time to be alone and quiet - just with ourselves - and when we neglect to build an intimate relationship with the most important person in our life (ourselves), we can feel fractured, stressed and confused. It's important to take the essential time to shut out all the chatter and competition of today’s hyper-connected world, so we can hear the stirrings of our hearts and souls, and recognize the deepest longings we have for our lives.

Tip: Every day, without fail, take just ten minutes to sit with yourself without distraction or disturbance, and breathe deeply. Ask yourself, "What am I feeling right now? What are the feelings I want to feel more of today? And what could I do today to help me experience those positive feelings? When we listen deeply to ourselves, new answers come.

#3: They don’t let go of the relationships that hurt them

I remember when I was in my late 20’s, it began to occur to me that I had a few “friendships’ that weren’t friendly or loving at all; in fact, they were very hurtful. These “friends” were cruel, biting, grasping and selfish, and finally, I’d had enough. I remember committing to doing the tough work of “purging” from my life people who just couldn’t be kind or caring. It was tough and sad, but I did it, and it was a life-changer. I then started to be much more careful about who I allowed into my inner circle and trusted.

In times throughout our lives, we form "contextual" friendships - relationships with those folks we socialize with primarily because they are in our immediate spheres at work and in our family lives. But these contextual friends aren't necessarily the same people you want to open your heart to and be vulnerable with.

Many of the clients who come for career coaching are engaged in relationships that are devaluing, abusive or unhealthy. Why do we enter into these relationships, and stay in them? Often it's because we "hook" into them unconsciously because we don’t feel we deserve unconditional love and support. Many have never had that as children, so they don’t know what real love, care, and compassion look and feel like.

Tip: This week, take a good, long hard look at all your relationships, including your work ones. Are they respectful, healthy, fulfilling? Do they support you or are you the one doing all the work in the relationship? Do they help you achieve your highest potential and growth and allow you to fulfill your needs and wants in the relationship?

If not, do something bold about it. Where you need to, remove from your life those people who chronically hurt you.

#4: They don’t know how they're special, important and valuable

The vast majority of people I meet can’t answer these pivotal questions:

• How are you special and how do you stand out from others?

• What important gifts, talents and abilities do you have that you love to use?

• What types of outcomes in the world do/would you love to support?

• What are you truly great at?

• What are your deepest core values and how are you honoring those in your life and work?

• What matters most to you in life, and why is that important?

• When you're 90 years old looking back, what do you want to have contributed, achieved and created?

• Finally, what are your ultimate Life Intentions and the legacy you want to leave?

In our society, we’re not taught or encouraged to understand ourselves deeply, or even dare to look at how we’re special and valuable, let alone talk about it. This is what I call Power Gap #1: Not Recognizing Your Special Talents, Abilities and Accomplishments, and 63% of the women I've studied are facing it.

Many people are raised to think that exploring these questions means we're self-absorbed or narcissistic, but it’s simply not true. Every person on this planet is special, valuable and important. But you can’t leverage your unique value and gifts in service of others if you’re not even aware of them.

Tip: Answer the questions above as honestly as possible, and then "find brave" to leverage your skills and talents that you love to use in a new way, to make a difference in the world. You don't have to risk everything (including your paycheck) to bring just a bit more meaning and purpose into your life. (Check out my recent LinkedIn poll that reveals just how important experiencing more meaning and purpose is to people.)

If you can’t answer these questions, get help from people who love, respect and value you, to help you see how you’re special and unique.

And if you want to figure out more clearly what you're truly passionate above, answer these 11 questions:

#5: They don’t believe they deserve a happier life or livelihood

People who make a positive difference in the world and experience happiness, gratitude and success in their lives believe they deserve happiness, and don't shy away from it. 

What we believe will come to be. And those who feel undeserving of joy and success will make themselves “right” and fail to achieve it. 

The experiences we have in our childhoods, families of origin and throughout our lives often teach us either to feel we are worthy, loved and appreciated, or the opposite. Unfortunately, many thousands of people were raised to feel unworthy and undeserving.

Tip: Think back on the lessons you were taught about yourself by your parents and throughout your childhood. Were you encouraged to see yourself as worthy of love, happiness and success? Were you told you are beautiful, talented, smart, strong, competent, valued, and important? Or were you told you are nothing and won’t amount to anything because you deserve to fail and others have more ability than you?

If those were your messages, it’s time to engage in healing and revising your core beliefs about yourself, because those negative, destructive messages were wrong and it's time to release them.

#6: They've stopped stretching and dreaming

Most of us have read 100 times or more that stretching outside your comfort zone is critical to your success and happiness. And many have said that growth and comfort simply do not co-exist. But how many people are truly stretching in their lives?

Every day, I see people who are stuck doing work they hate, in relationships and endeavors that limit them, but they’re afraid to stretch beyond these limitations. And they’ve stopped dreaming. They have bought into a million damaging excuses for why they can’t have what they want in their lives, and why their most compelling visions are just absurd, "pie in the sky" fantasies.

Tip: Start stretching and dreaming again. Do one bold thing every week that will allow you to remember what it feels like to be brave, and make it something that's scary and thrilling. 

Get used to getting directly into the cage with your fears and walking toward the unknown. Do the thing that makes you say, "If I can do that, I can do anything!"

As I've learned in my own personal life, and as we're witnessing today, nothing outside ourselves is truly "safe and secure" – no job is forever, and "security and safety" don't come from external things. It’s in expanding who you are internally, and building your courage to deal with the unknown, and being OK with the uncertainty of life, that will make your own world feel safer and more secure.

#7: They let their anxieties and upsets turn into hate, blame and resentment

There’s a great deal of hate in the world today, and according to recent studies, that hate is mounting. Many people turn to hate and blame because they can’t manage their own anxieties and fears. They feel vulnerable, alone and deeply afraid, and find that experience intolerable. 

As social researcher and bestselling author Brené Brown has so eloquently said, blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort. And as international bestselling author and spiritual leader Lorna Byrne mentioned in our 2019 Irish retreat work together, “Hate poisons us. We hate others when we don’t love ourselves enough.”

Tip: If you feel wracked with hate, blame and resentment, especially in these anxious times in our world, it’s time to look at your anxieties and fears, and recognize that we have the power to shift how we feel, with help. Get support to help manage your feelings more effectively without allowing your fear to morph into hatred and blame. And recognize it’s time to learn how to love yourself more deeply than ever before. When you do, there is far less room for hate.

#8: They've forgotten what they're capable of

Finally, we let ourselves down when we forget what we’re inherently capable of. If you’re stuck in an unfulfilling or unhappy life or career, you’ve potentially lost sight of what you’re truly able to do, create and achieve. There are reasons why we forget, including toxic relationships, terrible bosses and cruel colleagues and friends who tear us down.

There are life lessons that we misread and dashed dreams that bring us to our knees. But when you get back in touch with more hope for the future, and commit yourself to becoming more positive, powerful, hopeful and resilient, life will change for the better.

Tip: Find someone who can be a mentor or accountability partner to help you see the future vision of you before it’s "hatched.” 

As Einstein said,

“We can’t solve a problem on the level of consciousness that created it.”

Shift your consciousness by getting empowering and uplifting support and insights from people who believe in you without fail, and who won’t let you take “no” for an answer about what you're truly capable of. Now more than ever, the world needs you and your great gifts and abilities.

For hands-on help to build a happier, more rewarding career, join Kathy Caprino's The Most Powerful You 8-week live course (enrollment is open now for the Fall session) and read her latest book The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Bliss. For private, 1:1 coaching support, work with Kathy in one of her top-rated Career & Leadership Breakthrough coaching programs.

For biweekly support from top experts in fields essential to our success and wellbeing, tune into Kathy's Finding Brave podcast. And for uplifting career and leadership growth strategies and solutions for your teams, bring Kathy in to speak at your next leadership conference or development program for ascending leaders.