Advice from White Hawk Green today to my younger self

Today White Hawk Green turns two. And in celebration, and given it is Pride Month, I have decided to give myself some advice i wish I had known when starting this process in the manner of RuPaul Charles.

For those unfamiliar with Drag Race, there is one episode which opens my heart every season. It is the episode where the final queens of the season are presented with a picture of themselves as a child, as they compete for the crown of Drag Race Superstar.

Each contestant is invited to talk directly to a photo of their younger self about what they wish they knew about growing up which would have made their life easier – a salve for the soul from an older version of oneself. It’s so poignant as it is a celebration of the wonderful people we end up becoming in spite of a lived experience which often tells young queer people that they are other than and less than.

So picture the scene, Mama Ru asking me the following:

“White Hawk Green, if you had the chance, what piece of advice would you give to younger self?”

I have wanted to share this picture of me for years. Frankly, I was too scared.

From the age of 6 until the age of 12, I did ballet. I remember watching my older sister do ballet at the age of 3 and thinking to myself, “that’s what I want to do”. It looked so fun and so liberating.

As I grew up though, I was afraid to acknowledge to others how much joy it brought me. For so many years, I lived in fear of this happy, radiant smiling face. Which when I say this now, is truly absurd.

I wasn’t actually scared of myself or how I felt in this picture because I am clearly living my best life. That smile is me when I know I am doing something I love and I feel supported. My spark is literally alight.  

I was afraid of this photo because of how it actually made or might make other people feel. A young boy kitted out to do ballet, in the regulation tights and shoes, clearly having the time of his life was an affront to so many people.

It went against what was expected of a young boy in suburban Melbourne in the 80s. For context this was a time when AIDS was rearing its awful deadly head in a society which was then homophobic and conservative. And there were people who thought that no good could come from a young boy doing ballet.

This shame –  which is the same for most young people who ultimately end up identifying as lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans and non-binary – is built in to the way I operated in the world from a very young age. I took it on and absorbed it in the way I operate in the world.

What made it even more challenging is that my parents supported me doing ballet as they could see how much I loved it. As a kid, I could not have been more loved. I was not the most talented or the hardest working but I loved being up on stage and performing and entertaining people. And it brought me endless JOY! I loved performing for my family as they cheered me on.

The trouble was when I left my safe space and integrated with the world.

I was the only boy in my ballet school. In fact, I was the only boy in regional competitions out of 10 to 12 schools. I had an army of girls who were my allies, my friends, my supporters and my confidantes. Woe betide anyone who had a bad word to say about me doing ballet because, to a fault, my ballet school would jump to my defence.

I was most vulnerable when I was outside of safe spaces. I spent years walking in to places and would die a death inside.

“Do you do ballet?” were four words that filled me with absolute dread because they marked me out as different and other. The question was always loaded and delivered in a particular tone. It would begin an endless barrage of questions and invariably I would end up being the subject of slurs or questions most of which made me feel really uncomfortable.

This experience wasn’t a question of just having more confidence. I was often bullied about it and made to feel ashamed and if I didn't control it, it could spiral out of control. What made it harder to manage were the moments which would occur like a random lightning strike. I was always worried about being “caught out”. My blushing stuck with me well in to my 30s and would often occur in meetings where I didn't feel psychologically safe.

So for many years, I horizon scanned socially to assess risks and I often lied to cover the fact the fact that I did ballet. I would analyse the situation and work out who could actually confirm if it was me that was the ballet boy. It was often easier to say that it must be someone else and they had me confused. (Bless being alive before the internet because it meant that this photo and others was my “dirty secret” which existed in our family photo albums). Can you imagine how corrosive it is to disavow the part of yourself that you love?

Being safe and not inviting unwanted attention became more important for me as I started getting older than doing something I loved. Inside my little Year 7, 12 year old brain I realised that I had a choice. Fitting in or being different. And I choose fitting at an all-boys Catholic High School. It was survival. So I stopped doing ballet at the end of Year 7 and never went back. It was heartbreaking but it felt like the right thing to do.

Now it was definitely not all bad. I have had a charmed existence surrounded by love, laughter and adventure with the most wonderful people in my life. Some of my closest, lifelong friends are many of the boys I went to school with who recognised me for who I am. They celebrated my humour, my difference and in the long-run, my ability to choreograph a dance routine at a party for the women who would go on to be their girlfriends and wives.

(Many of them follow me on LinkedIn as well so a big shout out for some of my best and most committed allies. They too have supported me on the journey of White Hawk Green as well and I am so grateful.)

So, knowing that the producers of RuPaul’s Drag Race are renowned for their editing skills and most of this would not make it in to the showreel, I would summarise as follows:

Little Gavin,

·         You are unstoppable when you are doing something that you love so find your passion and share it with others. It’s infectious.

 ·         Do not stop doing something because other people are uncomfortable in your joy, or you think they might be. And please stop worrying about what other people think of you. It’s not healthy.

 ·         Many of the skills you developed to protect yourself in social situations go on to become some of your greatest social assets. Harness them.

 ·         Stay only where you are being nourished. If you are not, know that you can always find, or even better create, your own magic.

 ·         Embrace and relish the people around you. You have been blessed with an ability to attract people around you who propel you to greater things. Your relationships are your lifeblood.

 ·         Make sure you put in the hard work. Regardless of talent, the only rewards come from the effort and energy you put in.

 ·         Take care of yourself. Your mental and physical health cannot be taken for granted.

 ·         HAVE FUN. Make sure you build in enough time to enjoy yourself and celebrate your successes because there are plenty of moments which will test you.

Love, White Hawk Green.

It is so obvious to me the crossover between the advice that I would give this little kid and what I now know two years on in to White Hawk Green. Much of this advice, I wish I had embraced throughout my career and throughout my life.

For some of us it takes longer to work this out. That's OK too.

So thanks to all of you who have got me here, and have worked with and supported me throughout the last two years. You have literally shaped me and my business in to the person that I am. I am genuinely grateful.

Happy second birthday, White Hawk Green. And Happy Pride Month.

So for what comes for the coming years? I would leave the final words for Mama Ru:

"If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else!"