Always Assume Others Are In Some Amount of Pain
Michael Curtis
I Teach Soft Skills That Get You Hired & Promoted – Design the UX of You – Sr. UX Designer @1800Contacts
Life is too short to pretend they’re not.
Many of us are hurting in ways we don’t talk enough about. I want to share a mindset that has changed how I approach people and helped me be more understanding and much less reactive in these times. I hope it might resonate with you, too.
Assume that everyone is carrying some kind of pain.
I don’t say this to make you feel like you have to take on everyone else’s struggles. Nor do I want to imply everyone is a burden. It’s a shift in how we see people, whether strangers, friends, family, or ourselves.
When you assume the people around you might be dealing with something difficult, no matter what it is, it changes you. Suddenly, you react with more patience, empathy, understanding, and maybe even compassion. It frees you up from feeling like others’ actions are personal.
Pain isn’t always visible.
When someone is going through physical pain, a big loss, or facing a health crisis, you can see it. Let’s call that Pain with a capital “P”. But not all struggles are obvious. Often, pain is hidden behind their “I’m fine” or quiet frustration over something lurking beneath the surface. What does this look like? Think about what you’re going through There is no shortage of “pain” with a little “p”.
People deal with:
Could you add more to that list? I know I could. These build up into quiet aches that we carry and these types of pain may be silent, but they weigh us down and hurt just the same.
When you start to see everyone as carrying some part of a story that isn’t visible, you naturally become slower to judge and quicker to give the benefit of the doubt. So that friend who snaps at you or the stranger who seems rude? Maybe their behavior/reactions have nothing to do with you at all.
Instead of reacting, you might pause and think, they’re probably going through some kind of pain that I can’t see. And you’d probably be right. That small shift will shape you into someone who responds with grace.
Small acts of kindness matter.
A compliment, a smile, or asking someone, “How are you doing?” might feel simple, but you’d be surprised how much these small gestures mean to people who need them. You don’t have to give more than you can. But when you move through life with a mindset of patience and understanding, these little things add up and help tremendously. They don’t cost you much, but they could make a world of difference to someone else.
I know it sounds exhausting to think of everyone as carrying some kind of burden. But empathy doesn’t have to drain you. It frees you up. When you let yourself believe others might be struggling, you start to take things less personally. And that’s a huge relief. You’re no longer letting other people’s reactions stick to you or weigh you down. When someone’s rude, it’s easier to shrug it off and move on without harboring negative thoughts about them or carrying that negativity with you all day.
Empathy doesn’t mean being a doormat.
You can care deeply about others and still keep boundaries. Empathy allows you to be compassionate without feeling responsible for solving everyone’s problems. It lets you be supportive without losing your internal balance. And it’s the people who are most empathetic who usually have the strongest boundaries — they know how to stay grounded, even as they make room for others’ experiences.
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The real challenge is choosing kindness when it’s hard. When someone doesn’t seem to “deserve” it, showing grace anyway can be one of the most powerful things you do. Consider the stranger who’s mean or a family member who’s distant. I’m not saying to ignore hurtful behavior or let people walk over you. But remember, we might not know what someone else is dealing with. Choosing to be kind, even when difficult, makes you stronger and gives you a sense of peace that’s hard to shake.
And not everyone needs our advice. I’ve had to learn that the hard way.
Sometimes, we’re so quick to point out where we think someone’s going wrong, or we try to fix things for them. But I’ve found that people often just want to feel understood and heard. What if, instead of correcting someone, you connected with them? What if you chose to listen and accept that they struggle too? You’d be surprised at how much stronger that makes your connection with them.
Seeing others’ pain helps you see your own.
Recognizing that everyone struggles permits you to accept your own challenges. You don’t have to act like everything’s fine when it’s not. We all have days when life feels heavy and we don’t have to pretend otherwise. We don’t have to put on a perfect show. When you let yourself see others’ pain, you start to treat yourself with that same understanding. And when you treat yourself kindly, it makes it easier to offer that same compassion to others. That is a wonderful reciprocal benefit.
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that quite often, people’s behavior has nothing to do with you. People act out of their history, their baggage, and their battles. They’re reacting to something inside themselves, not to you. So, when you assume others are fighting their unseen struggles, you stop taking things so personally. It gives you a sense of freedom, a calm steadiness. You don’t have to react to every situation, and you can show up with kindness regardless of how others act.
Changing your mindset doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s natural to feel impatient or frustrated with yourself or others. But if you make a habit of choosing to believe that people carry unseen burdens, it’ll become second nature. And next time someone frustrates you or acts harshly, take a breath. Give them a moment of grace. Assume they’re going through something.
And give yourself that same grace too.
We’re all hurting (or will) in some way.
There’s no way to know what everyone is facing, but assuming that others carry something heavy allows you to treat them with genuine compassion. That kindness doesn’t go to waste and can make a difference in ways you may never see. Some patience and a kind word are all it takes to lift someone.
Assume others carry a burden, not as an excuse for their actions, but as a way to remind yourself of your capacity for kindness and resilience.
Look a little deeper and treat people as you want to be treated on your toughest days. Make this habit part of who you are and it will shape how others experience you and how you see yourself. Even if we’re wrong about someone’s pain, we’re erring on the side of grace.
❤️
Thanks for reading.
Are you looking to stand out and improve how others experience you? I teach soft skills that get people hired and promoted. Connect with nearly 5,000 others on my Medium page, or add me on LinkedIn, Instagram, and X. I can’t wait to help you design the UX of YOU!