An Analysis of U.S. Law Enforcement Agencies upon encountering a Venomous Snake within their jurisdiction.

1 FBI – Searches for but cannot locate the snake. After local police catch the snake, the FBI forms a Snake Taskforce of 150 agents, sets up a command center, holds a press conference, and takes credit for capturing the snake. Upon taking credit, the impressive command post is packed up, and the FBI task force returns to their office to await another large event for which to take credit. In the meantime, FBI management requested 4,000 more agents to combat snake activity associated with terrorism.

2 U.S. Secret Service – forms a protective ring of agents around the snake and escorts it to a safe area.

3 ATF– Doesn't get the word that the snake has been turned loose in the wild and sends the SRT team to arrest the snake. They expand all of their ammo, then burn the forest down, killing the snake (remember now, the snake is dead; this information will come in handy later on) and everything else in the forest. At a Congressional inquiry, they make a presentation of why additional funding is required to properly train agents to battle the threat of snakes. The only questions asked by ATF management after the operation were whether or not there was a proper operational plan in place if the plan was followed, and who could take the fall for anything that went wrong. Preferably, the FBI and Secret Service for failing to provide them with proper intelligence.

4 TSA – Abiding by a Congressional ruling to prevent profiling venomous snakes, the TSA makes random inspections. Venomous snakes are regularly allowed to pass while TSA officials strip search Mother Superior and three other nuns on their way to Rome to visit the Pope.

5 IRS/CID – Performs an in-depth investigation of the snake and writes a 100-page summary of why the snake should not be prosecuted. They never got the word that the snake was dead. The investigation is exceptionally cleared and all agents are out of the office by 4:30 pm.

6 ICE – After obtaining permission from the BPA, CBP, FBI, FPS, IRS, FINCEN, DEA, ATF, FAMS, FEMA, and the Girl Scouts of America, they mail the snake a notice to appear on a specified date for a status hearing. The snake never responds. Duh, what part of dead did they miss?

7 DEA – Initiates a Title 3 and a MLAT investigation on the snake's cell phone after discovering that the above-listed agencies have begun investigating the snake. DEA spent $3 million to discover that the snake is not Colombian but, in fact, Venezuelan and is in contention to be the new mascot for Petro Express.

8 U.S Attorney's Office – Declines prosecution out of professional courtesy.

9 USBP (Border Patrol) – Captures a garden snake. Their inability to communicate with the snake or realize they have the wrong snake results in a recruitment drive for snake handlers. They take the snake back to the border.

10 U.S. Forestry Service – They have meetings after meetings. Management wrings their hands and decides to deny the snake's existence on public lands. All agents are ordered to Washington to prevent any sighting of snakes. All agents are ordered to refer to the snakes as legal reptiles.

11 Local Sheriff's Office – Shoots a similar-looking snake and drives over it several times. The deputy then puts the snake in a city police officer's car while it is parked outside the local Dunkin Donuts as a practical joke.

12 The investigation is listed in Snoops as having some creditability. All agencies read Snoops to get their latest intelligence, and all investigations are immediately resumed with a reward posted for the snake!

And that's how it is done.