Answer back with a question

If you've ever been put on the spot or taken by surprise by someone's question, and later castigated yourself for just standing there dumbfounded, or simply for not having been able to respond as effectively as you would have liked, then this might help: answer with a question! 

Obviously, this is not possible every time and in every situation. But, you might be surprised at how often you can use this strategy.

The thing is, it doesn't come naturally to most people to answer a question with a question. Why? Because at a below conscious level, when asked a question, its very formulation and the tone that goes with it literally compel us to give an answer - or to search for one.   This is why, when we don't have an answer, we desperately try to come up with something, anything, which usually ends up being a half-baked justification rather than a confident response.

The beauty with responding to a question (or to a comment) with a question is that it allows you to take back control. And you gain precious time to cook up an answer if needed. But first, identify your intention - is it to divert their attention onto something else, or is it to make them clarify to help you come up with a satisfactory answer?

Then follow the steps:

1. Say something or make a noise that shows your questioner that you are taking his question seriously, or that shows your concern,
2. Pause a couple of seconds - this gives weight to your response, and gives you time to think,
3. Ask the question - taking your interlocutor where you had decided to take them.

Of course, all this has to be done with both a self-confident and respectful tone of voice (no cynicism...), together with the accompanying body language (no eyes rolling upwards...).

Some examples?

A colleague:"Why did you go and see the boss behind my back?"

How NOT to respond: dumfounded, followed by an automatic justification : "Uuummm, well, umm, I didn't go behind your back, its just that..."

But rather:

1.  "Whaaaat!?" (looking genuinely surprised / shocked) 
2. Pause
3. "What makes you say such a thing?" (asking for clarification) or "Where were you this morning when I was desperate to introduce you to our new client?" (diverting attention)

A friend: "Don't you feel bad spending all that money on yourself?!"

How NOT to answer: embarrassed, followed by a justification: "Errrr, well, I also spend money on others you know.."

But rather:

1. "You're right, I do spend a lot of money on myself" (said with confidence)
2. Pause
3. "But tell me, what is so bad about that?" or "...what do YOU do with your money?"

A client: "Aren't you afraid of being swallowed by competition?" (and let's imagine that competition is indeed giving you a few headaches)

How NOT to answer: looking disconcerted, followed by a justification "Well, err, no, not really, we are doing our best to avoid that..."

But rather:

1. "Indeed, competition is very strong!" (in a self-assured tone of course)
2. Pause
3. "What would YOU do if you had strong competition?" (changing the focus from you to them - this may also provide you with some insights, who knows!)

The secret is: NEVER JUSTIFY YOURSELF, and don a confident manner.

And, just for the exercise, next time someone in the street asks you their way, practice responding with a question:

Passer-by : "Can you tell me where Starling Street is?"

You:"Starling street, ah yes!...Hey, what are you going to do in that beautiful street?"

See what happens: do they actually answer your question, do they look a little confused, or do they tell you to mind your own business?