Answers to Questions you might have about me which I definitely don't want to answer

Q.1. Hi, how are you?

A.1. I see you and your LinkedIn auto-text messages and I offer you my auto-text reply in return. Obviously, the conversation dies out like it should.

Q.2. Where are you from?

A.2. It’s the 21st century where remote working is a thing. Geographical location doesn’t matter much these days in my industry. Obviously, you haven’t read my profile so you missed the part where my profession and my location are explicitly mentioned, you poppycock talking nincompoop.

Q.3. Where do you work?

A.3. Ah, so let me get this straight. You sent me the connection request, which I stupidly accepted. The only thing that mattered to you before you sent me that connection request was what? My gender, my picture, my comment, what was it that lead you to ask me this irrelevant question?

Q.4. Are you looking for a career change?

A.4. While I am a cynical soul, what about my posts or comments led you to believe that the first thing you ask me is this. No, I am not looking for a career change. Here’s some free advice for you – don’t ask people you don’t know such a personal question without solicitation.

Q.5. Do you want to know about this fantastic opportunity where you can become an entrepreneur?

A.5. So, you are got roped into a pyramid or a reverse pyramid scheme. Now you are looking for more patsies to turn the whole thing into a giant, sacrificial bonfire of misery?

Q.6. What are your opinions about freelancing?

A.6. I love it. I live with my family so I have never had to worry about survival so I have loved freelancing from the beginning. I have figured a system out where I can work seamlessly while also picking up a few extra projects on the side. It’s amazing.

When I get shitty clients, I out-shitty their shitty by logically decimating their premise. No client is worth your own self-respect.

Q.7 (i). Why have you put “Content Writer, Educator, Geopolitical Analyst, Bibliophile, Philomath, Shōnen Otaku” on your profile?

Q.7 (ii). What do those words mean?

A.7 (i). Did I pay you to rate my profile? Did I ask you for suggestions about how I could improve my LinkedIn experience? I didn’t, did I you busybody. It’s my profile. I can put whatever I want in my profile.

A.7 (ii). Google it.

Q.8. Why don’t you talk about your clients?

A.8. I don’t like to talk about my clients or the people in my life because I respect their privacy. I think talking about people without asking them first is not a nice thing to do. Also, humble bragging is not my thing.

Q.9 (i). How do you get clients?

A.9 (i). It’s very easy to get clients these days. Just follow the correct hashtags on multiple platforms. Also, don’t put all your eggs in one basket – explore the internet in its vastness. I get clients through referrals now. Earlier, I used to send a rough, crude pitch email to prospective clients outlining what I do and what I don’t do with a live sample. I still do that sometimes with people I want to work for, learn from.

Q.9 (ii). What if the prospective client doesn’t pay for a sample?

A.9 (ii). I make a live sample for each prospective client. If they don’t pay for the sample, I publish the stuff on one of my multiple pseudonyms online as it ruins their plans of benefiting from the sample. 

Q.10. Will you work for my social project for free?

A.10. If you are making money from your social project, I am making money from you. Also, calling a project a social project is pretentious. Every social worker I know never uses those words you greedy mongrel.

P.S.: I volunteer with a few social causes close to my heart so I know what I am talking about.

Q.11. Was your LinkedIn down as well?

A.11. No, my LinkedIn wasn’t down because LinkedIn makes special provisions for writers who have contracts with their parent company.

Yes, my LinkedIn was down as well you ignoramus. It goes down every time they roll a new feature out or every time they get hit by some bug. It’s a website that doesn’t claim to be perfect so there are glitches.

Q.12. Can I have your number?

A.12. Yes. My number is 01100111 01110010 01101111 01110111 00100000 01110101 01110000 00001101 00001010. That’s ‘grow up’, in binary.

I willingly give my number out to people. However, if that’s the third or fourth thing you ask me, seriously, grow up.

Q.13. Can we chat on WhatsApp/Facebook/Whatever?

A.13. For you, I will hand my number out right away - 01100111 01110010 01101111 01110111 00100000 01110101 01110000 00001101 00001010.

Don’t do that. Don’t approach random strangers and ask them for their numbers and their social media handles. It implies that you are a social pariah who doesn’t have real people in their lives.

Q.14. Why are you so rude?

A.14. If I am not rude, I’d be wasting time fielding useless queries and questions instead of doing something productive with my time.

Q.15. I need a job. Can you give me a job?

A.15. I am so sorry that the job market hasn’t been kind to you. However, you are contacting a content writer for a job. That’s a problem no? Contact HR people instead. They actually have the contacts, the ways and the means to get you a job.