Be A Part of the Conversation, Even when you’re Ignored!!! by Mary Gardner

Have you ever sat idly by in a 3 or 4 way conversation and were completely ignored? I mean, that the people didn’t look your way, or even act like you were apart of that group of people and that you basically didn’t matter! 

 Who hasn’t been in that sort of situation!  We’ve all been in a conversation where we felt totally useless, ignored,  and unheard. But, let’s take a look at the reasons why it happens, and then what we can do about it.

 First of all, if this happens to you a lot, don't give up hope!  There are a few basic reasons and things to do to turn it around. For starters,  there is the possibility that you’re intimidated by others and that you allow others to dominate the conversation and consequently,  you allow yourself fade away and don't push yourself to participate.  Perhaps you say to yourself, "oh there it goes again, I'm being ignored!"  So you allow it to happen.  But the reality is, conversing takes more than one person, so if you want to be a part of the conversation, you’re going to have to insert comments and be LOOKING for an area to participate. Often times, I see people who obviously don’t know what to say, so they slink away until they’re like a fly on the wall, never to be heard from again.. in that conversation.

 IF this happens to you, and you feel ignored, the very first thing to do is to take a step TOWARDS the conversation. Lean towards one or both of the other conversation partners as if you’re MORE interested in what they have to say. This is a subtle body language tool that shows interest and also allows others to know that you dominate your space and that you’re very much alive and well, AND in the conversation.

Next, show extreme interest in the others by looking at them in their eyes as they talk.  Don’t start glancing away, just get right in there and ACT like you’re a part of the conversation.  If you act the part, more than likely, you will be a part of it.

 Use non words like ‘ummmm” or “ohhhhh” or nod in agreement.  If it’s a topic that is of general interest to everyone, then throw out a question or add a general comment that you know or have heard. Just let it go in the flow of the conversation, don’t attempt to take over the conversation. Just be a part of it, and see if the people open up to let you back in by glancing your way or acknowledging the point you just contributed. 

 If the topic is sincerely of no interest to anyone but the two, it’s possible that it’s just going to be a quick “catching up type of conversation” and so you might wait it out. If it’s going to be a heart to heart and will take more time, then one tactic is to touch one of them on the arm or shake their hands and say in a friendly way, “Hey, I’m going to let you all catch up now and I’ll chat with you later.”  It’s a way to let them know that you are making the decision to move on, and that you’re not offended, and that you still like and respect them. 

 Conversations are messy, they overlap, and they go from one topic to the next, often with no sequence involved. There is an art to being a good conversationalist and these little nuances can take time to master but in the meantime, ask as many questions as you can and listen intently to the answer.

 I often suggest that before you go ANYWHERE, be armed with some knowledge so you can contribute.  Know what is going on in the news. Is there a Presidential Debate happening? Is the Pope making a world wide statement? Is there a wild best selling book out? Is there an awesome movie everyone is talking about?  Check out the headlines and skim the news so you can be up on what the common small talk of the day is.

If you're going to a new city or to an event: RESEARCH!  Read up on it. Have some facts ready to toss out if the conversation lulls at any point.  Be ready to START a conversation about whatever the common thing you have of interest with the people in the room at the time! One time I was traveling with a work associate to his home town. I researched a bunch of cool things about Boston, and on the plane I was able to share a few interesting tidbits that completely blew him away. What it did was allow us to have something in common and it completely altered our relationship for the better.  

The best fall back though is to have enough gumption to be able to ask QUESTIONS of those you're around and show INTEREST in them when they answer. If you can't offer any words of wisdom, just be the BEST most ENGAGED listener on the planet!  Even go the extra mile by viewing your face in the mirror in a "pretend" conversation to see if you look appropriate, and interested and engaging!  There is nothing worse than a bored face at the other end of a conversation.. especially if it's our own! 

So next time you’re in a conversation that doesn’t involve you, jump in and contribute, wait it out, or move on. With more practice, soon the conversation and the laughter will be flowing as easily as you've seen others perform in conversation.  With great conversation, you can create wonderful connections. And connections create friendships. 

Friendships are the spice of life so get busy and get conversing with those around you! It can definitely make your life more fun, happy and joyful!  And isn't this what we all want anyway!?