The Art of Crisis Communication: Turning Tense Moments into Trust

Confronting someone senior at work can feel like walking a tightrope, especially during a crisis. Have you ever jumped into a conversation with the best intentions, only to see it unravel before your eyes? How do you recover when your words, meant to mend, only deepen the divide?

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When Good Intentions Went Awry

I still remember the heavy silence after my words landed. A very senior team leader—known for driving successful initiatives—had developed a contentious approach with certain stakeholders. After another tense exchange with an external partner, I decided it was time to address the issue.

Without much preparation, I approached them and said, “I am uncomfortable with the way you are handling certain stakeholders and being combative with some of them.”

Almost immediately, I realized I had made a mistake. My words, though well-meaning, sounded accusatory. The leader’s defenses went up. They argued their assertiveness was essential for protecting the organization’s interests. My attempt to open a constructive dialogue spiraled into a standoff. What I had envisioned as a problem-solving discussion became a tense exchange that left both of us frustrated.

Looking back, I can say that even though I was the supervisor and might have technically "won" the confrontation, I realize now that my delivery could have been much better. Over time, I have learned to refine my communication skills, focusing on creating space for collaboration instead of resistance.

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Insights From Difficult Conversations

Moments like this are exactly what Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen addresses. The book identifies three conversations that lie beneath every difficult discussion. Understanding and navigating these conversations is key to handling high-stakes communication effectively.

1. The "What Happened?" Conversation

In every conflict, there are differing views of what happened and why. This is often where misunderstandings or assumptions fuel disagreements. Instead of jumping to conclusions or assigning blame, explore the other person’s perspective. A question like, “How do you see recent interactions with stakeholders?” creates a collaborative space to uncover root issues.

2. The Feelings Conversation

High-stakes discussions often come loaded with unspoken emotions—frustration, anxiety, or even fear. Ignoring these feelings can escalate tension. Instead, acknowledge emotions openly and create a safe space to express them. For example, I could have started with, “I sense there is a lot of frustration around these interactions. Let us talk through it.” This approach diffuses tension and makes the other person feel heard.

3. The Identity Conversation

Difficult conversations can challenge someone’s sense of self, especially when they perceive their competence, professionalism, or authority is being questioned. This was likely the case with the senior leader I confronted. Recognizing these identity dynamics helps frame feedback in a constructive way, balancing accountability with respect. Emphasizing their strengths—“You have been instrumental in so many successes”—can mitigate feelings of being personally attacked.

By understanding and navigating these three layers, you can shift a conversation from confrontation to collaboration, even in moments of crisis.

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What I Could Have Done Instead

If I could rewind the clock, I would approach the conversation with more thoughtfulness and collaboration. First, I would start with curiosity by asking for their perspective: “I have noticed some tension in recent interactions with stakeholders. Can you share your thoughts on how those relationships are going?” Next, I would acknowledge their strengths before raising concerns, creating goodwill and softening the feedback. Finally, I would own my perspective, framing my observations with phrases like, “Some of the interactions have felt tense to me, and I would like to understand how we can address any friction together.” These steps would have encouraged a more productive and respectful dialogue.

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My Three Tips for Crisis Communication and Having Difficult Conversations

1. Start With Curiosity: Lead with questions instead of criticism to create a collaborative tone. Asking for the other person’s perspective ensures they feel heard and opens the door to a productive dialogue.

2. Acknowledge Strengths Before Raising Concerns: Begin by recognizing the person’s contributions and successes. This helps establish goodwill and makes constructive feedback more palatable.

3. Own Your Perspective: Frame feedback as your observations rather than accusations. Using phrases like “I have noticed” or “I feel” reduces defensiveness and encourages mutual problem-solving.

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The Ripple Effect of Words

A helpful way to think about difficult conversations is to imagine two people standing side by side, looking at the same situation and discussing how to address it together. Contrast this with two people facing each other, talking about each other instead of the issue at hand. The former fosters collaboration and trust, while the latter creates defensiveness and conflict. In crisis communication, shifting the focus to the shared challenge strengthens relationships and turns even the toughest conversations into opportunities for growth.