Best Advice: Know When to Stop Talking!

In this series, professionals share the words of wisdom that made all the difference in their lives. Follow the stories here and write your own (please include the hashtag #BestAdvice in the body of your post).

I have had the good fortune of working with a lot of brilliant people in my relatively short career. I, like most people surveyed, consider myself above average intelligence. When I first started in my career, I was desperate to prove myself and show everyone I was worth the hire and deserving of their respect. The easiest way for mw to do that was with my words. I was in some way a "one upper" - never wanting to be left out of a conversation and desperate for acceptance. I found ways to insert my stories of accomplishments or knowledge of facts in every conversation. In my mind, I was dazzling them with how smart I was. One day my boss took me aside after a meeting with some execs where I had yet again wowed them with my brilliance. He's a former Alaska fisherman so I’m opting not to quote exactly what he said but in as many words he told me to get over myself and know when to shut up. He explained to me that sometimes saying nothing is the best thing and that silence can show just how smart you are. Since then, I've tried to sit back and observe more than I speak and have come up with the following four questions I quickly ask myself before I interject into a work conversation.

1. Does what I have to say add value? – Here’s an example. I was recently in a conversation where we were talking about the Seahawks making it to the Super Bowl for the second year in a row and what it’s like to be a native Seattle Fan. The conversation was about how we’re so used to losing that the idea of winning was surreal. One participant in the conversation did not grow up in Seattle and was not a football fan in general. Rather than listen or join another conversation, this person attempted to add their opinions and even tried to change the subject to baseball, in order to participate. As someone who is passionate about the Seahawks, I found this annoying as it detracted from what the rest of us wanted to talk about. This is somewhat of an extreme example but as I listen to conversations and think about what I want to say, I always question whether or not I’m adding value to the conversation or detracting to a different subject. If I’m detracting, I remind myself how I feel when someone does this.
2. Has what you want to say already been said? – Ever been in a conversation with a lot of dominant talkers? When this happens, it can be hard to get your comment in while it’s still relevant. There are many times I have a great point to make but someone else beats me to the punch but says it in a slightly different way. When that’s the case, I feel the urge to make my point too because I want to show I also had that great idea and the way I word it is so excellent. However, I know when I’m on the observing end of that second speaker, all I see is someone who is either not listening or someone who doesn’t care what others are saying. When I put it into perspective that way, I realize that biting my tongue and engaging in the conversation will bring up a different opportunity for me to participate.
3. Does what you plan to say need to be said? This is similar but different to my first point in that it could have value but it might not be needed. Sometimes people are ready to move on. It doesn't mean what you have to say isn't important but it might mean people don’t want to hear it. My workplace is very democratic. Many of the decisions we make are based on group consensus, which requires a lot of discussion. Although this comes with a lot of benefits, the downside is conversations about a particular topic can go on way longer than people have the stamina for. At some point, many people in the room will stop listening or engaging whatsoever. If that’s the case, nothing I say will persuade them. The odds are, if I speak up when everyone else is ready to move on, people will get annoyed with me and be more likely to disagree with me even if they would normally agree. When I find myself in these situations where I feel like what I have to say is a new, and valid point but my audience is fatigued of the subject, it’s beneficial for me to hold my comment for a later opportunity to revisit the subject.
4. Could what you're saying be interpreted as "one upping"? Ever been in that conversation where someone has always done it bigger, better, faster no matter what the situation? This is probably my biggest fault of the four points. I don’t realize I’m doing it so consequently, this is something I still struggle with. Usually what it entails is someone is telling a story. Maybe they just biked 75 miles over the weekend. I want to show them how we have something in common but also impress them so I talk about the time I did the Seattle to Portland bike ride in one day! 210 miles without even training – BAM! In my mind, we have an instant connection because we both ride. In their mind, I’ve just taken their accomplishment and thrown it in the trash by showing them I can ride longer and faster than them with little effort. It took me a while to realize I was doing this because my intentions were good. I only wanted to connect with them but didn’t realize the sour taste I was leaving in people’s mouths. Now, if someone is telling a story about an accomplishment, I ask myself if what I want to say could be interpreted as “one-upping”. If so, I try to stay focused on their story rather than switch it to my own.

These are the four questions that worked for me. Which ones work for you?