BIQ: Books I Quote: The Book of Boundaries By Melissa Urban

NOTES FROM

The Book of Boundaries

By Melissa Urban

(You can check the Audiobook / Kindle / Hardcover versions on Amazon here.)

This book was recommended to me by Cadence Hardenbergh and it was a good read. I have already recommended to several friends and I can feel it might hit my top 5 books this year.

I had to rethink my relationships (with myself, family, friends, work...) and assess where boundaries were necessary. Truth is, this is a lifelong journey and I am probably just starting.

Below are the highlights from my reading:

Introduction: How I Became the “Boundary Lady”, p. 18

"The very definition of a boundary. “This is the limit of behavior that is acceptable to me. If you’re willing to respect those limits, our friendship can be rich and fulfilling, full of trust and mutual respect. If you can’t, I’ll find myself anxious around you, dreading our interactions, and subconsciously avoiding you. That kind of relationship is unacceptable to me, and I’ll remove myself from it.”

Chapter 1: A Crash Course on Boundaries, p. 25

If a boundary is a line that marks the limits of an area—in this case, your area of comfort, safety, and mental health—then feeling anxious, nervous, or avoidant of a certain person or conversation topic is a sure sign that your limits are being overrun, and that a boundary is necessary.

p. 27

A BOUNDARY IS ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOR, NOT THEIRS. I may not like the idea of my parents questioning my decisions, but I can’t make them stop thinking independent thoughts, or talking about my parenting amongst themselves. What I can do is set a limit around the way I receive those thoughts. The boundary isn’t “Don’t question my decisions,” because that isn’t under my control. Instead I say, “I won’t accept your opinions on my decisions,” because that focuses on my behavior, not theirs.

p. 30

Boundaries allow those who care about us to support us in the way we want to be supported. They provide a clear line between the helpful and the harmful, so people don’t have to try to read our minds.

p. 33

From Brené Brown’s Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts: “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” Brené describes picking up this saying from a twelve-step meeting [...] but in her book, she applies it to a professional environment. She writes, “Feeding people half-truths or bullshit to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind. Not getting clear with a colleague about your expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering, is unkind…Clear is kind.”

p. 33

I want you to think about one thing when you’re considering the words you’ll use to set your next boundary: “When I’m done talking, will they know exactly where my limit is, and how to avoid crossing it?” If the answer is yes, congratulations, you’ve set a clear, kind boundary! If the answer is, “I hope so, like, it should be obvious, right?” then we’re not quite there.

p. 41

You’re saying, “Here is this limit that I have recognized. I’d love for you to help me preserve it—are you willing?”

Chapter 3: The Real Work/ Life Balance: Setting Boundaries in the Workplace, p. 61

We tend to assume our boss’s expectations, workplace culture, or job demands all supersede our personal need for (and right to) healthy boundaries—but those assumptions are wrong. Yes, you accepted the job. Yes, they pay you for your work. But you have every right to demand a healthy, safe, respectful work environment, and that almost always involves setting boundaries

[....]

The thing is, your company is not likely to proactively establish healthy boundaries for you. It’s rare that a manager says to an employee, “I notice you haven’t taken a vacation in a year—make sure you use the time off you’ve earned, and I promise we won’t bother you at all while you’re out.”

[...]

FIGHT THE POWER Anytime you have a power dynamic, whether it’s parent/kid, teacher/student, or boss/employee, it makes setting and holding boundaries exponentially more difficult.

Chapter 3: The Real Work/ Life Balance: Setting Boundaries in the Workplace, p. 65

Here are some areas of office culture to pay attention to: Are you, your co-workers, or your managers regularly expected to work extra hours, nights, or weekends (with or without pay)? Are other people regularly sending or replying to work emails or texts at night, on the weekends, or during sick days or vacations? Do meetings regularly run long, or start late while awaiting the arrival of the CEO or department manager? Are you and others always running at or over capacity with your workload, goals, and deadlines? Do co-workers or managers over-share personal details, touch without consent, ask personal questions, or otherwise overstep the line of professionalism? Does the team or office culture overlook or tolerate sexual harassment, off-color jokes, homophobia, racism, sexism, or any other ism in the workplace? Are you or co-workers regularly “othered” at work for healthy boundaries (like leaving on time or not drinking at business lunches)? Are you or your department often asked to tell white lies to clients or customers, fake or “massage” the data, or otherwise compromise your integrity? Do clients often cancel last minute, change the scope or timeline of projects?

Chapter 3: The Real Work/ Life Balance: Setting Boundaries in the Workplace, p. 64

JOB-HUNTING? Had Kelly known then what she knows now, she would have dug further into their office culture before accepting the position. In your next job hunt, one question you can ask around workplace culture (which speaks to how they might handle boundaries) is, “Does the company consider their employees ‘family’? Why or why not?” While it may sound promising to hear “We treat our people like family,” the Harvard Business Review considers it a major red flag. When a business uses the family metaphor, it creates an even more unbalanced power dynamic where your boss isn’t just your boss—they’re also your parent, demanding loyalty, respect, and obedience instead of teamwork, trust, and a fair exchange of value. Employees often feel obliged to protect the “family” at any cost—including working unreasonable hours, behaving unethically, and not reporting their “brothers and sisters” for wrongdoing. The “family” narrative leaves employees feeling disempowered, burned out—and incapable of setting healthy boundaries. A “no” answer to this question isn’t a guarantee of healthy workplace culture, but an employer should be able to demonstrate a culture of respect, camaraderie, and teamwork without using the “f-word.”

p. 66

If you could solve one problem with a healthy boundary, which would carry the most weight and have the biggest impact on your health and happiness at work? Start there.

p. 67

WORK TIME: These are issues around how you spend your time while you’re on the clock, including the number of tasks on your plate, project management and deadlines, and how your time is valued during the workday. Think Zoom calls that continually run long, a boss consistently adding more work to your plate, or clients who regularly no-show.

PERSONAL TIME: This is where work bleeds into personal time, like when you’re on vacation, out sick, or relaxing at home after hours. It could be weekend texts from co-workers, pressure to “pitch in” and stay late, or fielding calls from your boss while you’re paddleboarding in Barbados.

ETHICAL DILEMMAS: These are tasks, requests, or pressures that make you feel icky and compromise your integrity. It’s being asked to tell customers little white lies, feeling like you have to laugh when your boss tells a sexist joke, or being pressured to drink with clients while out to lunch.

PERSONAL SPACE AND ENERGY: These are situations in which your time, personal space, mental health, or privacy are being intruded upon in the workplace. It’s co-workers who can’t take a hint when you’re too busy to chat, bosses making inappropriate[…]

p. 69

You want work to be a “place” (whether it’s remote or in-person) where you can perform your best, stay motivated to succeed, retain high morale, and feel valued and respected.

[...]

your only options might be to appeal to Human Resources, change departments or locations, band together with co-workers to exert some pressure, or quietly start looking for a new job.

p. 78

Creating a culture of care and respect is hugely important for employee morale, mental health, and retention. If your company isn’t already world-class at respecting employees’ time off, you’ll have to advocate for yourself and others through your own boundary-setting.

Chapter 4: When the Drama Is Your Mama: Setting Boundaries with Parents and In-Laws, Grandparents, and Other Family Members, p. 109

Remember that old patterns take time to break

Chapter 6: Love, Marriage, Sex, and Dishes: Setting Boundaries in Romantic Relationships, p. 181

RESOURCE: FAIR PLAY BY EVE RODSKY Entire books have been written on this subject, and my favorite by far is Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. It’s a guide to aligning your expectations around household management; identifying the tasks that need managing; and having one person own all three components of every task: conception, planning, and execution. Here’s an example of how I’ve applied Rodsky’s philosophy to one household task in my own life: “trash day”: Conception: Noticing that the trash needs to be taken to the curb every Monday night. If you don’t know that, “trash day” can’t be completed. Planning: Observing that it’s Monday, several garbage cans throughout the house need to be emptied, and there are cardboard boxes from deliveries that need to be broken down for recycling. Execution: Breaking down the boxes and taking them out to the recycling bin; taking out the kitchen, bathroom, and office trash (and replacing the trash bags); and rolling both bins to the curb for garbage pickup.

In Rodsky’s Fair Play system, each household task is fully owned by one person all the way through, from conception to planning to execution.

Chapter 9: Handle with Care: Setting Boundaries Around Sensitive Subjects, p. 263

THE RING THEORY

In Silk and Goldman’s Ring Theory, grief (or complaints, anger, frustration, or as Silk calls it, “kvetching”) flows out from the center of the ring, whereas comfort—and only comfort—flows back in toward the center

If your sister has cancer, you (and her children, spouse, and parents) sit at the center of the ring and have zero responsibility to comfort her friends or co-workers.

p. 282

When confronted with a sexist/racist/inappropriate joke:

GREEN: “Huh, I don’t get the joke. Which part of that was meant to be funny?”

YELLOW: “I don’t find it funny, and I think you know why.”

RED: “It’s not funny, it’s just sexist. Please excuse me.”

Chapter 10: Gifts to Future You: Setting and Holding Boundaries with Yourself, p. 315

DON’T RELY ON MOTIVATION. When you’re starting a new habit, it’s easy to be motivated and excited. But nobody is motivated 24/7, and when motivation fails, you may feel lost—and revert right back to doom-scrolling, wine-drinking, or hitting “snooze.” Motivation doesn’t precede action; action precedes motivation. The key is just to do something, and trust that a body in motion tends to stay in motion. This is why “showing up” is so important—start with action, commit to consistency, and watch the habit groove itself.

Chapter 11: Gifts to the World: How to Hold Your Boundaries, and Everyone Else’s, p. 323

The best thing to do when a boundary you’ve set is poorly received is to extend three small courtesies: space, grace, and face time.

p. 326

Should you find yourself in a situation where someone responds poorly to your boundary in the moment, here are a few phrases you can use to express empathy without backing down: “I know this is hard to hear, but not speaking up was making me resentful, so it’s better for our relationship that I do.” “This is uncomfortable for me, too, but I’m committed to communicating better and expressing my needs more clearly.” “I can see that you’re disappointed, and I hope you’ll respect that this is what’s best for me.” “I understand you’re upset. I’ll give you some time to process that—let’s talk later.” “I appreciate you wanting to help. The best way to do that right now is to be supportive of my decision.” “I’m sorry this is how you’re choosing to experience our conversation.”

p. 328

You might feel like: Your boundary makes total sense, but theirs feels unreasonable. Your boundary is focused on your needs, but theirs feels personal to or critical of you. Your boundary will ultimately improve the relationship, but theirs feels kinda selfish. Your boundary was carefully thought out, but theirs feels impulsive or sudden. [...]

It’s normal and natural to apply this double standard when your boundary practice is new, but here are two truths: First, the more you set boundaries with others, the more others will feel empowered to do the same in their own lives. (Yay, you’re a change-maker!) [...]

Second, the better you get at identifying a need for, communicating, and holding your own healthy boundaries, the more easily you’ll be able to recognize when someone is doing that with you.

p. 332

By respecting their boundary, you’ll demonstrate your commitment to the relationship.

p. 333

REINFORCE THE RELATIONSHIP GOLDEN RULE. If it comes out later that their request wasn’t a healthy boundary but an expression of frustration or anger, call them on it. “I hear that you’re upset. I wish I had known that last night, so we could have talked it through. It’s hard for me to be respectful of your needs if you don’t share them with me. Next time, I’d appreciate a more honest conversation.”

[...]

LOOK FOR PATTERNS. If your conversation partner is repeatedly demonstrating any of the “red flag” behaviors, now might be a good time to initiate an honest conversation. Describe what you’ve observed, how this pattern makes you feel, and give them the opportunity to self-observe and course-correct.

All Excerpts From

Urban, Melissa. “The Book of Boundaries.” Random House Publishing Group, 2022-10-11. Apple Books.

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