Boundaries = Freedom

Welcome to Street Lights, a weekly dose of leadership insight that doesn’t dismiss or shy away from discussing power, identity, or belonging. Created by Aiko Bethea and the RARE Coaching & Consulting team, this is the place to disrupt your default thinking and status quo approach to leadership. This is also where we like to say the quiet parts out loud. Everyone’s invited to the party — just bring your curiosity and generosity with you! Now, let’s dive in.

Welcome back, y’all. I’m glad to see you back here for the fourth (and final) installment in our series on boundaries.

We’ve been developing our boundaries from the ground up. They can be hard to nail down, but when we anchor them in our values, boundaries become easier to set and hold. Last week, we talked about building steadfast barriers around our values by holding ourselves and others accountable to our boundaries. This happens through the intentional use of our “yes” and our “no,” being aware of how power and identity (our own and that of others) affect boundary imbalances, and actively striving to correct the asymmetry.  As an aside, I’ve never met anyone doing this work who defined their values as wanting to exercise power over others… kudos for striving for power symmetry. 

What’s on Tap

This week, we’re talking about how our blueprint for better boundaries is actually the key to liberation and freedom (beyond those Fourth of July celebrations in the US). 

Do you know that setting and holding boundaries is directly connected to:

• How you show up (or fail to show up) for others and yourself
• The time you have (and don’t have) to rest, play, and create and sustain healthy relationships (with others and yourself)
• How individuals (and businesses) treat you
• And even your life expectancy

Shaky boundaries can cause restlessness, anxiety, burnout, and other harmful impacts on your health. This ultimately impacts our life spans. So yes, this work is a matter of life or death.

Awakening to the Work and the Investment

Many clients seek me at a point in their lives when they’re in transition. They might be saying, “I hate my job. It seems perfect, but I just don't feel right.”  These thoughts can signify that we’re in the doldrums, defined as a state or period of inactivity, stagnation, or depression.  In my executive coaching practice, the client often discovers that their values and the way they show up in the world are misaligned. They realize that who they want to be and what is important to them, does not match how they spend their time, money, and even their emotional energy.  

This is the prime time to invest time toward naming your values and establishing and setting boundaries. When clients share that they just don’t have the time to do this work, I ask: What is the cost of you not doing this work? 

Therein lies the appeal to leaning in and investing in a life worth living, on your terms. Your terms translate to: (1) your values and (2) your boundaries. These are the ingredients to living a life free of the roles others have designated to you and shifting to a life you desire and are intentionally choosing and creating. 

The Price

This work sounds so straightforward, doesn’t it? I can make a list of my values and behaviors and then set the appropriate boundaries. I’m good to go. Did it really take four newsletters (albeit short) to get to this? Didn’t People magazine have an article that walked me through something like this?

Here’s the rub: Seeing and naming the story I’m telling (and have been telling) myself and being willing to disown it. Then, rewriting it and living this new story with fidelity. 

Harnessing your values and your boundaries in a way that will create a life-aligned will require you to reject expectations from your family and community of origin and even society. This work invites you to find new circles and communities that honor your vision for your life. This work also requires you to forgive past beliefs and choices that were harmful to you and to others. What are some of the consequences of this process:

(1) Loss of relationships. It will be confusing and difficult for many to understand this change. They may even feel personally rejected. Perhaps these are relationships that have been unhealthy and you’ve needed to shift. But it doesn’t necessarily make the impact on others less hurtful and it frankly doesn’t make the shift less hurtful for you in the near term. 

(2) New spaces. You may recognize that how you spend your time and engage with others will drastically change if you have fidelity to this narrative you’ve created. This may include discovering that your freedom requires you to leave your current job or company. Some of us don’t have the privilege of leaving our jobs, at least not immediately. We will have to be more intentional about our boundaries and identifying spaces to be centered in our recently named values and boundaries. 

(3) Emotional weight/churn. Loss of relationships navigating new spaces are examples of moments when emotional labor is required. The range of emotions that likely will need to be navigated include:

(a) grief due to the loss of relationships and even the shedding of the old You;

(b) anxiety from holding boundaries and being concerned about what “they will think” or do when you do; 

(c) shame from recognizing you allowed your boundaries to be breached and your values to be discarded, sometimes because you were simply at a loss on how to take a stance or perhaps you felt your boundaries (and you) weren’t worthy of protecting.  

(d) self-compassion and care for yourself, and accepting accountability for the decisions you made that were not good to and for you and others.

This section on emotional weight could be the components of a whole book. You can imagine how accountability of self and others would compound each of those emotions.

The Reward

The photo for this #StreetLights edition is intentional. To have space to be in community, play, and enjoy investing in projects and activities that give us joy means we have to have time and open headspace. Many have this privilege available to them, and they merely need to conduct a calendar audit and purge based on their values. No other worries.

Others must counter the years of programming from messages sent by the media, their community, and even their successful role models. Many will tell us that we need to be “happy to have that good job.” A good job may simply mean a position that provides a paycheck and health insurance while having no regard for us as people. 

Some may also have to counter the attitudes of those who they report to, who carry the benefit of power asymmetry, and who are also mired in ignorance concerning the power they have over others (usually based on identity).  This ignorance allows them to circumvent accountability. I hope that the exercises from the last issue will allow some to shift. 

What clients have recouped when their values are clear, their boundaries are secure, and they are vigilant in holding themselves and others accountable:

• Renewed connection with their spouse/partner
• More fun times with their children and regularly hearing them say things like: “Daddy you’re more fun than before!”  Or “Mama, I like you when you don’t have your computer.”
• Reconnection with their friends
• Vacations and staycations
• Consistent movie nights (even solo)
• A consistent fitness regimen
• No more anxiety medication, substantial decrease in migraines, clearer skin
• Full nights of sleep
• New careers in different sectors and roles
• Enjoying and being fully present at celebrations, events, and gatherings

The two moments clients shared with me that I’ll never forget (there are so many of them!):

• I now know what it feels like to be in my body. Before, I didn’t even know when I wasn’t fully breathing. I was “fit,” but I wasn’t even breathing. I feel sensations. I sense the world. I feel my thoughts. 
• Stepping down from being CEO wasn’t an easy decision. I kept thinking about how much I would be losing out on and giving up.  Now, I’m experiencing everything I was actually missing out on every day… learning, friendships, love. 

Flickering Lights

This is simple: What aspect of not naming values, establishing and setting boundaries, and holding yourself and others accountable is worth more than your freedom?  What could freedom look like for you?

Heads Up

In our next edition of Street Lights, we’re going to highlight one of our new favorite books. The first week of every month will be dedicated to creative expression. This may look like highlighting a book, film, painting, or other creative expression. I truly believe that creativity is the first path to liberation and joy. More about that later.  

Community Connection

I’m grateful you engaged with our series on boundaries. I hope you’re as excited as we are about the possibilities that can unfold. Share with us if you believe you have all the tools you need to fortify your boundaries and increase your freedom. Which piece of this journey feels the most intimidating? Please let us know your thoughts in the comments below.

Until the next episode…

RARE Coaching & Consulting works with organizations and individuals who are ready to push past their limiting beliefs and remove barriers to equity and inclusion. RARE helps executives and teams to become innovators and leaders in their workplace and industry. Discover how to work with RARE for executive coaching, team development, workshops, speaking engagements, and more.