Without Accountability, Just Throw It All Away

Welcome to Street Lights, a weekly dose of leadership insight that doesn’t dismiss or shy away from discussing power, identity, or belonging. Created by Aiko Bethea and the RARE Coaching & Consulting team, this is the place to disrupt your default thinking and status quo approach to leadership. This is also where we like to say the quiet parts out loud. Everyone’s invited to the party—just bring your curiosity and generosity with you! Now, let’s dive in.

Thrilled to have you here again. Welcome to the third edition of our boundaries series.

What’s on Tap

Last week, we filled your boundaries wheelhouse with an understanding of your core values. Recall that values are deeply held beliefs that are embodied by behaviors and actions unique to you. These beliefs show up as behaviors that inform our boundaries. Values serve as an anchor for the boundaries that help us live a life that honors our North Star.

But your values may as well be last week’s garbage if you aren't going to put in the hard work of protecting and honoring them by holding steadfast to your boundaries.

In today’s issue, we’ll explore what accountability looks like and the interplay of power and identity as additional factors that make maintaining our boundaries and holding others accountable challenging.

What makes it so hard to hold folx accountable? Go to our Nailing Boundaries issue to review the reasons why it’s hard for us to stay committed. Those are often the same reasons why it’s challenging to hold people accountable. Also, let's not forget the cost of not setting and holding boundaries.

[Y]our boundaries are a reflection of how willing you are to advocate for the life that you want. — Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

First, let’s talk about what our own accountability for holding our boundaries looks like. To be accountable for holding our boundaries (and protecting our values), we must:

• Be clear with our words and our actions
• Be intentional with our “yes”
• Do the work of understanding why we are afraid to say “no”

Be clear

Warning: I am going to hammer this point.

Have you ever asked someone something, then after a lot of words coming out of their mouth you still had no clue if they said yes or no?  Please don’t be that person. Don’t take people around the mulberry bush or require them to use Wayz to figure out what your answer is. Be clear. That’s all, be clear. I cannot honor your boundary when I have no clue what you said. Responding with a lack of clarity is hard on relationships. It causes anxiety and confusion.  And, it might as well leave you with no boundaries. 

In the workplace, if you want to have a lack of credibility as a leader or colleague — then be mush mouth. You use a lot of words but say a lot of nothing… Be clear. We all know that person who may have a lot of air time, but no one is listening. Instead folx are on their phones, meditating, sending chats, and checking emails. Why listen to someone who is just talking, talking, talking but it takes the skill of a neuroscientist to cut to what they are actually saying. (That could've been said in one sentence.)

My team repeats this infamous quote of mine: Words, words, words… what are you saying? Help me.

When someone takes me around the mulberry bush I ask for a timeout and ask them to give it to me like a two year old. Clear and direct. But, everyone will not request this courtesy of you. Many will turn away, check out, and even be turned off — or confused. Or worse yet, create their own meaning for you. Please, be clear. Don’t bury the headline. 

So, why the fear of being clear? We think cutting to the chase may be perceived as unkind or, may potentially damage the relationship. Or we’re afraid to hold our stance. Do the work of understanding what is at the root of your fear. Do you not think you have permission to have a boundary and say no? Do you fear losing a relationship? You are accountable for doing this inner work so that your boundaries are honored. 

When we hold ourselves firmly accountable to our “no”s, sure, some people might think we’re being curt, or acting selfish. But remember, being protective of your boundaries honors you and others. It allows you to live a life of self-love and, in turn, to treat others with generosity and care.

When you're saying “yes” to everybody and all things, there's less left over for you to give to the places and people that are most important to you. To the causes and relationships that align best with your values. There's less for you to put back into yourself. You're just out there being used up.

The Power of “Yes”

But I only know now what I now know. “No”s have certainly supported me in being my most aspirational self and in aligning with my values. But these days, instead of just defaulting to “no,” I am being more intentional.

Sometimes, honoring my values, my time, and my dime looks more like saying “yes.”  I can only say “yes” and honor my word when I’ve made space for it by saying “no” to the other stuff.  

Remember that the people who are able to live in generosity are actually the ones who have the strongest boundaries. This can feel counterintuitive because usually, we think we’re being generous when we’re saying “yes” to everybody. “Look how accommodating I am! Look at how much I give and help!” But tell me, when you think about the folx you say “yes” to all the time, and they keep on coming back again and again because you are the “yes” person, how generous do you feel towards them down the line?  You may begin to resentfully wonder, “Can’t they get themselves together?” 

This means, you've been saying “yes” to things that either don't align with your values or that you feel aren't respectful to you. You may also be enabling others and limiting their growth. And you’re now walking outside the lines of generosity (you’re taking a stroll near the dumpster.)

Be in alignment with your boundaries and values. Align your words and actions with your "yes" and your "no." As an incentive, recognize the emotional and time costs for not doing this. For sustainability, do the work of understanding why you don't hold your stance. There may be deeper work that involves community of origin narratives and irrational beliefs, systemic inequity, and even beliefs of self-worth at play.

The Friction Between Power and Identity and Boundaries

Those of us who have less power in a space can often receive the most punitive backlash when we hold our boundaries. Would you tell your employer you can’t stay late if you knew there may be consequences like no promotion, first to be laid off, or fewer choice assignments? 

Power comes in many forms. Proxies for power can include: tenure, elite credentials, proximity to the boss, largest budget, and a host of other factors. But here I want to call out power that is based on the bodies we inhabit. If you are in a Black body, you have less power in this society due to systemic and systematized beliefs and standards. If you are a person of color; if you are gay; if you are disabled; if you are…  Most of us who are disempowered in these ways are well aware of it, I don’t need to add caution tape here.  

But, I want to spend a minute talking to the folks who say they want to do better by us, but just keep on missing that train or need some more guidance. The inequitable standards and systems of society do not disappear in your 1:1 relationships or friend groups. Nor do they disappear in the workplace. However, you can do the work to mitigate these inequities by encouraging Our boundaries and honoring them.

Hold yourself accountable. Stop waiting for the person who has the most to lose (or more than you to lose), to have to put themselves on the line. Recognize that there is usually power asymmetry in relationships and workplaces, even when you try to show up as equitable. 

• Have you recognized your power based on your identity? This means you’ve weighed the potential punitive backlash others may experience if they attempt to hold boundaries. Are the consequences for saying “no” the same for everyone, or more extreme for certain folx, based on identity or power? 
• Is the space or relationship one where you have explicitly invited someone to say “no?”  (Do you have a track record of giving folx the cold shoulder or other negative treatment when they are clear or direct? If you don't know- ask someone while holding yourself accountable for being grateful for their time and input rather than punitive.)
• Have you exercised curiosity to understand the values of your friends and team members, particularly those of us who have experienced enough to know that it is dangerous to ask for help, ask for what we need, and to say “no.”  
• Have you sat and allowed others to use their power over folx? When you sit as a bystander, it let's others know that you are either okay with inequity or ignorant to the power asymmetry, and therefore ignorant of your own power and privilege. As a caution, I will not expect you to honor my boundaries or be interested in them.

Your Turn 

I want to use this section to help us all to become better at holding ourselves accountable to honoring the boundaries of others. (Not where you thought this was going, huh?)

1.  Write down the power you have based on positionality and identity. (If you are here on LinkedIn reading this, trust me, you have some sort of power.)
2. Write down instances of how these avenues of power can create a barrier for others to hold their boundaries with you.
3. What will you do to increase power symmetry?

Flickering Lights

(1) Answer the following questions:

-What are your clear “yes”s and “no”s?

-What boundaries aren't you setting or holding to honor these clear answers? And what's the price that you're paying? These are the consequences of your lack of accountability. (A good clue might be: Where have you felt generous until recently? Where do you feel depleted or exhausted? Where does your well of compassion feel like it’s running dry?)

Listen to that inner barometer. This is where you feel your time, dime, or value being wasted.

(2) Take this moment to consider how you got here. Then, imagine where you want to be, and give yourself permission to create a plan to get there. There will always be pitfalls along the way, and perhaps, you’ve been taking a few. Yet these reflections should help give context for where you are now on your journey toward living bigger.

Heads Up

Next week, we’ll work to get a grip on how better boundaries are the key to freedom. (I’m not big on Independence Day in the US, but we’re gonna have our own conversation about getting free.)

Community Connection

In the comments below, we’d love to know about any lights that flickered on for you about your own “yes”s and “no”s. Can you tell us where you’ve noticed you haven’t been holding yourself accountable to your boundaries, and the values on which they’re founded? Or, have you noticed how your power in positionality or identity can lead to breaching or nullifying the boundaries of others?

Are you headed in the right direction, at least? If you think you are, it’s a good start.

Until the next episode…

RARE Coaching & Consulting works with organizations and individuals who are ready to push past their limiting beliefs and remove barriers to equity and inclusion. RARE helps executives and teams to become innovators and leaders in their workplace and industry. Discover how to work with RARE for executive coaching, team development, workshops, speaking engagements, and more.