Break The Silence - Lets Talk Domestic Violence
This week hosts International Men's Day, and alongside the theme, Positive Male Role Models, IMD is a time to bring more awareness to issues that face men around the world and hopefully encourage positive action and conversations to help prevent them.
Although the world has changed hugely over the last few years, the conversations around the more delicate subjects involving men are still avoided which continues to leave a huge gap in men's care.
Today we wanted to tackle what is still considered a very controversial subject – domestic violence against men .
On this occasion, rather than the focus being women, we wanted to draw attention to the fact that abuse and domestic violence is not actually about gender. Many men are and continue to be victims of violence. Abuse is about power and control, and no matter what gender you are, anyone can experience abuse at anyone's hands.
For those of who watch Netflix, you may be aware of the documentary that was recently released called My Wife, My Abuser. The picture below is Richard Spencer who was the victim of over 20 years of domestic abuse.
This tackles the very real problem of abuse within a marriage, the only difference being that the abuser was female, and the victim was her husband.
This is an almost alien situation to be faced with so blatantly in today’s world, and although we know it happens, on most occasions, it is ignored or swept under the carpet because the idea that a man can be put through this is almost impossible to comprehend.
In a world that has encouraged a lot of its young boys and men to internalise emotion and not speak up when there are problems, the extent of this issue is something that we can only guess at. The belief is that there are many men who are currently in violent situations that feel unable to come forward. Whilst part of this lies in the fact that the report systems in place are not believed to be set up in a way that accommodates men, abuse against men also needs to be handled in a different way to women. The psychological impact hits very differently for most men and it is not in their nature to open up easily. Although this narrative is changing, there is still a long way to go.
Whilst we have a long way to go to protect everyone at risk, male victims are currently referred to as the ‘hidden victim’ population because in reality, we are only really starting to appreciate the depth of the problem.
According to a research paper published in 2022 ‘This is partly the symptom of a dominant narrative across academic and societal discourse, which has framed DVA as something unilaterally perpetrated by men toward women as a function of patriarchal structures; the so-called “gender perspective” . However, research from the opposing “violence perspective", and government statistics, have evidenced the existence of male victims of DVA for decades and in considerable numbers.’
(Link below for the full paper.)
So, the question is, how can we help those men at risk have the confidence to come forward, what do we need to be looking for and how can you help the people you love when they are suffering in silence behind closed doors?
As with most things, there are always signs and being aware of those signs is vital to picking up on abuse.
Warning Signs of Physical Abuse –
Warning Signs of Psychological Abuse and Isolation –
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Every one of the above can be a sign of abuse, but even when abuse isn't happening, these are all signs that something may not be right, and it is still important that time is taken to try and understand the cause of the changes and support the person in question where you are able.
Its also important to recognise that these signs are not restricted to men and changes like this, no matter what the gender, may be a sign that something is wrong and needs to be investigated.
So, how can you help someone you think is in a violent situation?
Its a very British thing to avoid getting involved and not ask when you suspect there is a problem, but in reality, whatever the gender, if you suspect something is going on its vital you speak up. Taking the plunge, expressing your concern and being open and honest reassures the individual in question that they are not alone and that someone does care.
Its important that any conversation raising your concerns is private, and that you are able to explain why you are concerned. Its also important to make sure that they know that you are not going to force anything, but that if there was something they wanted to disclose, you will be there for them whenever they are ready. Knowing that what you discussed will stay between the two of you initially will help develop trust and let them know you are there to help them.
No pressure, full support, listening and validating their emotions and reassuring them that this is not their fault and they are not to blame will hopefully help them begin to realise that this is not the norm. With the right help, they can move forward.
The police may not be an option immediately, but having that support in place and having someone else to talk to may give them what they need to finally report the abuse.
Its a long process and abusers are very, very good at control, manipulation and gaslighting. Someone coming out of that situation will have spent months, if not years trying to keep the peace. They will be physically, emotionally and mentally scarred and exhausted, and dealing with that exhaustion day in and day out to keep up the pretence of a normal life is a debilitating and devastating reality to be faced with for even a short space of time.
Picking up on the signs and having the courage to offer support and understanding can be lifechanging, giving someone the opportunity and help they need to start again.
There are some links below if you need advice for someone you know or are experiencing this yourself.