A Call To Bring More Respect & Gratitude For All: Reflections on Breaking Free From Toxic Masculinity & Femininity

As the Thanksgiving holiday in the US is celebrated, it frequently creates an opportunity to take a pause and reflect.  During one this time, I started reflecting on societal fabrics and how they can embed and infer how one should show up in the world.  And how those perceptions affect how one shows up in relationships and then by domino effect how it shows up in societies’ systems.  I am going to address this solely through the lens of my perceptions in the United States, as well as through the lens of how the traditional male and female gender roles play out as a result.  And as with everything that I tackle, I am going to come solely from my lived experiences with enough contextual detailing to understand what framed my reflections and philosophies.  I would ask as you read through this that you reflect both on your own experiences and also how you participated, either by inference or inaction, in supporting these false narratives that disperse the acceptance and embracing of all individuals in balancing their integrated masculine and feminine traits.

Toxic masculinity is running rampant in the US.  Toxic femininity is running rampant in the US.  I would purport that this makes us weaker as individuals, communities, and as a society. From my perspective, this is an equal opportunity problem that needs to be quickly solved.  It is time to change how we reflect and live;  this toxicity is permeating every community and every system and the condition is contagious.  It is time to take an immediate stand and put a hard stop to it…with gratitude.

Family Dynamics

This toxicity shows up in families and homes.  There are so many homes where people are not respecting and honoring their partners- with cheating, lying, passive aggressive behaviors, physical and verbal abuse, and so many other things.  Toxic masculinity manifests when one is operating out of their need to control, exert power, or in many cases, succumb to the pressure of needing to be the main breadwinner, whether perceived or reality.  Toxic femininity, on the other hand, enables this paradigm by suppressing their voice, mitigating conflict by "managing" things and smoothing them over, or self-sacrificing at their own detriment.  To be super clear, I am calling out both sides of the attributes- you assign the gender in your own story.  

The way that this manifested in my home was through abuse and traditional gender roles.  My childhood and family were filled with family dynamics of chauvinism and male domination.  Just for context that ranged from fear tactics through physical and verbal abuse to uncles telling me that women are “to be seen and not heard” (even if it was said in jest as an 11 year old it made an impact).  Thankfully, I was incredibly stubborn and hard headed (still am) so every time that was something that should’ve made me retreat or shut down my voice, it resulted in the exact opposite;  even from a small child I decided that I was going to get in trouble either way so I used my voice…even at my own detriment. 

In the last couple of years, this dynamic in my family is still present.  When I was gang-stalked by 20+ people and continually cyber stalked (still happening), and survived due to the grace of the universe, the males were convinced that it was conjured in my mind; cognitive dissonance.  Luckily, because of the resilience that I had developed throughout my early years, I was able to heal and develop self supporting mechanisms utilizing spiritual tools.  

During these times throughout my life, however, both my toxic masculinity and toxic femininity had to be reflected on.  My toxic masculinity has manifested many times throughout my lifetime by not asking for help when I really needed it (hyper independence), not sharing my deep emotions, and frequently not letting down my proverbial walls.  I just sucked it up.  At my own detriment.  My toxic femininity, on the other hand, has also manifested many times.  I have spent many years over giving and trying to play the "hero" in others’ lives, at my own self sacrifice.  Similarly, I made excuses for others, didn’t establish healthy boundaries, and trusted myself and my heart too fast without being discerning enough to protect myself.  During the trying past couple of years, when I was at my lowest, I really convinced myself that several males in my life would be my hero and help me solve the stalking.  And every time I told my story, I allowed myself to be devastated when nobody stepped up to help me.  In my own way, I thought some damn knight on a white horse would come to protect me;  in my head, all males were of course going to protect and be gallant for the women that they loved in any capacity.  But I couldn’t have been more wrong and learned to be my own hero again, step-by-step and day-by-day. I was strong enough, had my own voice, and was my own hero;  I just needed to remember that.

All of the above are just meant to serve as examples of how I continually need to balance the toxic traits of both of my masculine and feminine sides to achieve a healthy and integrated balance of both;  and show up as a healthy balanced human who simultaneously takes action to co-create my own world and is vulnerable enough to lean when needed.  Every single day reveals a new opportunity for lessons;  opportunities to reflect on how I show up versus how I want to show up...and be an increasingly better me.  While family dynamics and inferred nuances could’ve strongly suggested how I should be, ultimately, every second of every day is a choice.  And it is in every single decision, or non-decision, that I make about the narrative of my life and who I am that decides how my life will be.  I am the captain of my own life and painting the picture of my life’s experiences through the lenses of any blame or how I expected others to play into my story is disingenuous.  The only actions or emotions that I can control are my own.  And to expect anyone to be anything but how they authentically are because of my preconceived notions about how they should show up is not only unfair, but unrealistic.  

Workplace Dynamics

Toxicity also shows up in the workplace.  Across a variety of sources from the Pew Research Center to the Economic Policy Institute, women earn 20-30% less for full-time, year-round work.  Additionally, according to S&P Global, women only occupy approximately 25-33% of C-level and senior leadership roles in the United States.  Deloitte’s Women @ Work 2024 report stated 42% of women have experienced non-inclusive behaviors in the workplace in the past year.  And the McKinsey 2024 Women in the Workplace report identified systematic challenges remain to creating environments where their voices are consistently heard and valued” and require long-term efforts to reshape behaviors and organizational structures. 

So how does toxic masculinity enable these trends?  Many traditional notions of masculinity equate emotional expression with weakness, encouraging men to suppress or devalue feelings like vulnerability or empathy. They emphasize competition over collaboration, leading to environments where diverse contributions are undervalued;  this is the gateway for mindsets and behaviors that limit access to opportunities for women and others who challenge the status quo.  It can also manifest in a lack of tolerance for vulnerability, which shows up as avoiding seeking help, admitting mistakes, or addressing insecurities;  without vulnerability, connections remain shallow.  The same exact notion could be applied to those that do not radiate the same traditional dominant masculine traits no matter what the gender.

Toxic feminine traits, shaped by societal pressures and expectations tied to traditional gender roles are just as detrimental.  Prioritizing harmony can lead to reluctance to dissent or challenge systems or decisions, perpetuating subpar work or systems.  Similarly, instead of addressing conflicts directly, toxic femininity perpetuates subtle sabotage or passive aggressive methodologies instead of fostering communications.  Toxic relational behaviors end up creating an environment that lacks cohesion and stifles diverse opportunities and voices by nature of their nuances.

While I haven’t experienced a traditional career path, many lessons have surfaced throughout my times as both an employee and an entrepreneur.  As a coach honored to have worked with over 15K+ business leaders, I have observed and helped them navigate toxic masculine and feminine traits through the power of self-awareness, radical honesty, and self-empowerment.  While I won’t divulge the details due to confidentiality, that has ranged from self-identified aggressive and bullying tactics and communications to micromanagement and imposter syndromes.  This can show up as simple as not feeling valuable enough to negotiate more money during offer negotiations, or as complex as leadership and cultural nuances that are a daily practice across organizations.  The thing that they all have in common is a dedication to stopping the toxicity to do and be better.

Similarly, I have continually evolved in how I show up as a leader. Early in my career, my toxic masculine traits showed up as being overly aggressive or defensive in my communications. Over time, I adopted a more effective approach, focusing on being direct and data-driven. I also realized that managing teams twice my age or being the only woman with a seat at the decision-making table didn’t require me to constantly over-assert my voice. Not everything had to be a fight. I was overcompensating for my own lack of self-worth and making unfounded assumptions about what others thought of me. By shifting to a style that was direct but not overly aggressive, assertive but not defensive, I became far more effective.

At one point in my career, however, I overcorrected and my toxic feminine traits took over.  I was running my coaching business full-time but a small town that I was living in started a non-profit initiative for economic development and revitalization.  I wanted to help and was all-in with an additional 20+ hours a week.  For a while, my need to help make the town and community better completely overtook my own needs.  Due to the nature of the job, anywhere I went in the community (even if I was just trying to grab a quick beer with friends to relax) was filled with conversations about how to evolve the town.  And it quickly became the go-to methodology to solving any town issues even if it was outside the guidelines of our mission.  And for longer than I should’ve, I didn’t push back enough.  With a board, 120+ volunteers within a 2 month period of starting, and numerous voting committees and councils that steered the direction of all initiatives, I let it be a hot mess for too long at my own self-sacrifice.  I was working myself ragged because I loved the town, the people, and the mission.

When I realized things were out of balance, I understood that my healthy masculine traits needed to be utilized more effectively. I worked with the Board to establish boundaries for our mission and created more streamlined processes for idea generation, brainstorming, and volunteer roles. I also recognized the need to embrace the “fight” mode I had set aside earlier in my career—but this time, for a worthy cause and in a thoughtful way. I fought for absolute transparency in everything we did for the town and spoke out against the “back-end” meetings that had become embedded in the town’s culture. While those closed-door meetings weren’t maliciously intended, they eroded the trust of the townspeople. Building trust was essential for our mission to succeed.

Honestly, it made most days much harder—but some things are worth fighting for. Every single initiative—from town branding to parking regulations and laws—was presented and discussed in a public forum. While it was an arduous process, complete transparency became the standard for all committee and council decisions, and the town was better for it.

It didn’t make me popular with everyone in the town, but people knew I was fair. I treated John the farmer the same way I treated the developer who owned 50+% of the town. They both received respect and were held to the same standards.

Relationship Dynamics

Toxicity also manifests in relationships, both personally and professionally.  In love relationships in the US, adherence to perspectives on traditional gender roles manifesting as sole responsibility instead of an even distribution, for example with household bills or chores, creates long-term resentment or hostility.  This also aligns with traditional notions of male control or dominance in relationship dynamics and decision-making.  This decimates equality in partnership and instead creates an imbalance of power- resulting in one partner feeling unheard or undervalued and creates a lack of respect.  Many men also have a deep belief that was programmed into their subconscious that showing any vulnerability is a sign of weakness.  Suppressed emotions create an ever-growing iceberg that keeps creating tension, friction, distance, frustration, and eventually resentment.

Similarly, toxic femininity can be just as harmful in love relationships. It involves leveraging traditional stereotypes, such as using emotions to guilt or control others, often to manipulate outcomes or finances. This might manifest as using tears or passive-aggressiveness to influence situations.

Another example is what I like to call “the princess” behavior—feigning helplessness or relying entirely on a partner to make decisions or handle responsibilities. This dynamic not only places undue pressure on one partner but also stunts the growth and evolution of the other.

Finally, inferred social policing or internalized misogyny can quickly erode self-worth and confidence by enforcing misguided assumptions about appearance and behavior rather than embracing authenticity. This deepens the friction and undermines genuine connection.

This is the category where I have both done the most work and learned the most valuable lessons. I could share countless examples of how I have exhibited both toxic feminine and masculine traits. My toxic feminine traits manifested in my closest relationships because I lacked discernment, boundaries, and self-love when it came to the people I cared about. When someone had my heart, I was all-in—often to my own detriment. I overcompensated by taking responsibility for fixing others' problems, engaged in self-sacrificing idealism, made excuses for bad behavior, and suppressed my own emotions to prioritize theirs. I consistently over-accommodated and prioritized others’ comfort, desires, or emotions over my own, driven by deeply internalized shame and a lack of self-worth.

Similarly, there are many examples of how I expressed toxic masculinity in my relationships, rooted in past trauma and unhealed wounds. I was overly independent and refused to ask for help. I tolerated and even enabled mixed signals, gaslighting, emotional avoidance, and emotional neglect in my relationships for far too long. I also unconsciously reinforced traditional gender paradigms, such as avoiding explicit relationship labels while allowing my time and energy to be monopolized instead of walking away sooner. Furthermore, I was overly cautious about discussing my accomplishments or earnings when dating someone who society might not view as equally accomplished.

US Systems On The Whole

I have noticed that U.S. systems, as a whole, perpetuate toxic masculinity and femininity, as these dynamics are deeply embedded in our cultural and societal fabric. Toxic masculinity is evident across the board, with the glorification of "living to work," relentless competition, and the suppression of emotions, all of which are associated with success and rewarded behavior. Similarly, our systems often prioritize punitive measures over holistic rehabilitation, failing to establish a more balanced approach. This emphasis can reinforce hyper-masculine peer cultures, where loyalty to peers above all else, bravado, and a "code of silence" are valued over a culture of accountability and ownership.

Toxic femininity is just as pervasive in the fabric of our societal systems. Women are often rewarded for adopting overly nurturing or deferential behaviors, while being penalized for assertively advocating for themselves or voicing diverse opinions that challenge the status quo. Popular culture and societal norms exacerbate this by prioritizing beauty and appearance standards, reinforcing the idea that external appearance holds more value than intrinsic qualities. Furthermore, there is a societal expectation that women take on caregiving roles in all aspects of life, often at the expense of their own well-being and personal growth.

Over the past 18+ months, I have encountered both others' toxicity and my own while seeking support from law enforcement. When I was first gang-stalked, I was overly emotional and searching for a hero to save me as I filed reports with multiple agencies. In retrospect, I was likely dealing with PTSD, and I recognize that my heightened emotions may not have helped my own advocacy.

Toxic masculinity was evident in the lack of support I received, despite law enforcement acknowledging the egregiousness of the situation. In one instance, it was expressed through nuanced, aggressive body language and the complete dismissal of my voice when I attempted to file a report.  Given the lack of law enforcement support, I am still working to balance my own tendencies toward toxic masculinity. To maintain my personal safety until this is resolved, I remain hyper-vigilant and keep my interactions and trust very limited.

The silver lining in this experience, however, is my newfound commitment to advocating for stronger support, systems, and laws addressing both physical and cyberstalking when this has ended. This commitment will allow me to have a healthier balance of femininity (advocating for others) and masculinity (taking action).

A Call To Action

While you are reading about these experiences, I would ask that you reflect on your own.  And once you reflect on your own, consider joining me in strongly advocating for all of us to change the narrative and inferences; and allow everyone to authentically be able to showcase their integrated masculine and feminine sides in a way that is authentic to them.  Celebrate and appreciate all of them sans preconceived notions of how or why they should show up any other way.  And be grateful for the beauty of the unique soul.  Period.

Everyone is multifaceted—not just one thing or a single role in society. It’s equally important to recognize that people are intersectional. This means that various social identities—such as gender, ethnicity, experiences, and other factors—shape who you are, how you define yourself, and how you show up in the world. These identities influence your perspectives, actions, and the way you navigate life.

It can be helpful to think of this complexity as a mosaic made up of different components and elements. Unfortunately many people, due to overt or implicit societal pressures, suppress their ability to recognize and embrace this richness. Yet, understanding and honoring this complexity is essential for allowing people to embrace their truest selves, including the healthy expression of both masculine and feminine traits.

By taking the time to reflect and evaluate, you can gain a deeper understanding of how you are showing up in the world—and ensure it authentically represents who you are and who you aspire to be. And by taking daily actions to authentically balance both of your masculine and feminine traits in a healthy way, it will create a domino effect on those in your world.