The Case For Rebranding Mentorship
Jake Geller
I build companies & teams that turn BIG, BOLD ideas into actionable plans resulting in profitable businesses. SaaS Enthusiast. Startup Addict.
Mentors can guide us along our purpose-driven path...or cause an identity crisis.
A mentor relationship can be as impactful as a parental figure, for better or worse.
Some people search for a mentor from a place of codependence - almost desperation. Some have been conditioned from an early age - as an athlete, for example - and might feel aimless without structure.
True mentorship in early life (aka sports coaches) bridges the gap between coaching to empowerment and independence...but even still the transition can be tough. So, the result is not being picky, but being hasty with finding mentorship...
..and spinning our wheels, or worse - spinning out of control and out of sight of ourselves.
I believe that it’s not that people “find” the best mentors. It’s that the best mentors find THEM. If we look around, opportunities are everywhere. People want to help. It’s just a matter of being receptive or not.
It’s always a choice - hopefully guided by intuition and alignment, not fear of failure or aimlessness.
I’ve parsed out five areas to revamp how we think of mentorship:
We can’t truly know if any relationship is going to work out until we try it. Let’s start by investigating these five tenets.
Redefining a “Mentor”
The concept of a “Mentor” needs a revamp. Let’s start with an autopsy of its definition, to assess if it does this hugely powerful relationship justice.
According to Oxford Languages, a mentor is “an experienced or trusted advisor.”
Decent on paper...needs clarity in practice. Let’s dissect a “mentor” by reformulating familiar ideas:
The single noun in this definition, “advisor,” is loaded. That’s because it’s a synonym for “mentor.” Go figure.
The gist of this word is that we typically consider an advisor as someone who is: "older," "better, "more successful/wise." That’s just BS. A mentor can come from anywhere.
At any given time, multiple prospective mentors are extending out their hands to all of us. The thing about life is it’s OUR choice to accept them, or not.
I learned this after being stubborn from age 17-23. If not stubborn, I was scared to ask. But my dearest mentors found ME during that time, through ease of proximity and increased transparency on my part.
In a word, maturity.
Let’s loop back to the first adjective in the definition: “experienced.”
Even the most emotionally intelligent humans are restricted to their own life experiences. Regardless of their depth of relevant experience in what you *think* you want to do, they’re going to be biased by their personal journeys within that experience.
Best case, they’re able to contextualize and apply outside stories, trials and challenges with their own..but they still have their own lenses that to you, might look foggy, or worse…focused on the wrong things.
So just having “made it” in the field you aspire to, does not a fit make.
The second adjective, “trusted,” is a much more powerful indicator than “experienced” for finding synergy with a mentor... yet should still be re-examined.
Not every mentor has pure intentions. Some have ulterior motives, whether they are conscious of it or not. Some thrive on control, on living vicariously through their mentees.
Fostering trust takes time, effort and TRANSPARENCY. Being closed off or “veiled” as a mentee OR a mentor is a problem.
Trust should be mutual and fluid, so both parties in the relationship are able to build on the honest, beautiful momentum together.
*Trust does not equate to experience. Just because someone has been “in the game” for a long time doesn’t mean they deserve your trust.
Neither experience nor trust happen in a vacuum.
The last peppering I’ll do on the revamping of the idea of a “mentor,” is bring up duration.
This part is where the definition fails. We must start to think of mentors as long-term relationships, vs. short-term layups.
People that pivot with us, grow with us, iterate and stick with us when things get less than ideal.
These are the life-long mentors - and if we pay enough attention we can sort these from the crop of shallow opportunists. Not to knock all short-term mentorships, but what if you had clarity on which would be which from the start?
That way you could craft a dynamic mentorship community, and better balance liability with assets.
Lifting The Veils
So you don’t want to be an astronaut anymore, huh? Or a firefighter? ( Or insert childhood dream x).
Imagine if your parents clung onto that first dream, and didn’t understand your evolution since. Actually, what if you never opened up to them and shared your development? If YOU clung onto that dream for fear of disappointing them, and fear of uncertainty?
That would be “validation-seeking” behavior. You and your parents would be stuck in that representation of you, hidden from the truth.
This is an extreme example, but one that translates to the context of what I call a "veiled" mentorship - the opposite of a transparent one.
Imagine feeling like you had to keep up the act of something that you no longer identified with due to intimidation. It’d be exhausting.
What I mean by a “veil” is a front, likely sculpted by nerves in the face of someone whom you believe is more powerful than you. Who "knows best" for you.
Finding synergy with anyone is rare, especially someone we look up to, like a mentor.
When things are rare, we overthink, get self conscious, craft an impression based on others' opinions and reactions. We fortify our egos.
This is counterproductive to a blossoming growth experience for both parties.
Mentors do it too. Being in a position of influence carries its own reckonings, a different burden is on them to check themselves for “projecting.”
I hope the power of vulnerability is not at risk of becoming a cliche - because it’s a hot topic these days. But in essence, being vulnerable with the people you trust is critical. Mentees need to lift their veil - arguably this is more difficult with perceived “power dynamics.”
But the deeper the relationship between mentor and mentee, the more fluid the transparency. The alternative is a negative experience for both parties.
Mentees - saying what you think your mentor wants to hear is problematic. In truth, saying what you think ANYONE wants to hear is pointless. Both mentors and mentees need to seek answers to the hard questions, which begins with asking them.
This requires gazing beyond short-term goals and seeking to really know one another - to the point where “I don’t know” is actually the desired answer.
Where you embrace that as a human we're meant to evolve and question. The faster we can get to brutal transparency, “I don’t know”s and all… the faster we get to clarity.
I think many of us can relate to building facades to impress others. As much as we shudder, at times we all “catfish” through the streams of life. If we’re lucky, some people not only are transparent enough with us through that, but also see through our lack of transparency.
Mentors need to litmus test themselves, and mentees need to get raw.
As Irish politician Gerry Adams said, “one man’s transparency is another man’s humiliation.”
Otherwise, we are all has-been astronauts stuck in limbo.
Leaning Into The "Nuclei"
We can’t see the Summit when we’re about to reach it - but we feel it.
The entrepreneurial journey is a climb. We may start with a clear view of the peak, but as we trudge on and lose sight, it’s exiled to our mind’s eye; “playing house” with Resistance.
The further we go, the more keenly aware we’re made of our weaknesses and fragile energy. With the altitude, it gets harder to breathe. There are more clouds. Maybe even a lightning storm.
Recommended by LinkedIn
And it gets lonely at the top. Most people turn around to beat the sunset. But if you're lucky, you have a solid mentor in step with you.
A true mentor accompanies us on our trek: our faltering, ankle-twisting fumbles across changing terrain...and ultimately our temptation to surrender to Resistance.
True mentors constantly support and remind us of:
Psychology has long explored the causes and effects of Resistance. The main mission of therapy is to navigate it, and the same principles should apply to mentorship.
Mentors are there to belay us up the rock faces that block our paths, and to help us work through the possible reality that the summit wasn’t as glorious as we thought.
As Steven Pressfield, author of The War Of Art says, “the more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.”
But in his book The Basic Neurosis, Edmund Bergler claims that “unconsciously we’re ready and willing to participate in our own misery.”
This Pressfield quote combines these opposing ideas:
“Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance.”
Resistance is a human condition. It’s the automatic, often unconscious, psychological reaction to change - a defense mechanism for the ego.
We encounter Resistance when we’re headed towards what's best for us. It acts against our best interests.
Psychologist Abraham Maslow said “We naturally fear our highest possibilities…afraid to become that which we glimpse in our most perfect moments.”
But resistance sprouts from the fear that doing what’s right for us will fail.
Resistance is:
Therapists, family, friends and mentors alike play roles in helping us overcome resistance. It starts with recognizing it for what it is.
Fielding Resistance
Our Resistance to what’s good for us doesn’t give up. It doubles down.
It’s human nature.
But we shouldn’t fight fire with fire, fight through the resistance - but make space for it and learn from it. First, we need to understand it. Only then we can open the space for our mentors to work with us.
The concept of Resistance was central to psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud’s theory of psychoanalysis in the early 20th century.
It stems from our repressed beliefs that something “wicked” lurks within us. A twisted childhood misconception of our capacity to be loved.
In the context of both Freud’s and modern psychotherapy, resistance is an avoidance tactic, defense mechanism to our egos. The deeper the analysis of beliefs and patterns go, the greater the resistance we meet.
And if the strategy isn’t met with resistance, it isn’t really working. Our psyches are complex, tricky MFs.
The most challenging beliefs are exactly the subjects that we need to face most. A lot of the time, we find they are merely a house of cards, flimsy arguments against meating our fullest potentials.
I don’t think we give Resistance the attention it deserves. That’s because we usually don’t see the signs, see it for what it is.
In order to tackle resilience and have it work in our favor, we need to call it out in ourselves.
It can look like:
Resistance can be seen as the culprit for our greatest fears, or a beacon for inspiration. The fear behind it was evolutionarily beneficial, but nowadays we don’t just fear serious threats: We fear that which is our highest realization.
There is no destroying resistance. There is only making peace with it. We must cultivate self-awareness to recognize its signs - and good mentors can help.
It’s the delicate art of self-study - watching for resistance, feeling our tensions, and staying open to learning. We all have inner tensions. But what if instead of pushing back against it, and tightening up further, we questioned it? Pulled up a seat for it?
Instead of rejecting our fears, what if we saw them as an indication of what we’re seeking?
The only way we can do this is to be honest and transparent with ourselves, and the people we invite to help us.
Resistance is what we’re talking about when we refer to “inner demons.” After all, what epic story is without dragons and three headed dogs threatening the hero from fulfilling their destiny?
The closer the hero gets to victory, the more vicious the monsters get.
Checking In
Mentorship - like life - is not concrete. It’s more like sand.
At any given point during a mentor relationship, things can change. Evolution always brings resistance, and you have the power to translate it positively or negatively.
But evolution can also unearth realities of your mentorship that no longer serve you, and you have the power to flag it and pivot.
Trust can be built and survive on faulty grounds for longer than you can afford to sustain it. Some people are more aware of, or better at hiding, their true intentions than others. Ulterior motives can be hard to spot, especially in the early, exciting yet more vulnerable stages of a mentorship.
The wrong kind of mentor is one that aims to live vicariously through their mentee. If initial tests are passed and an outwardly transparent and honest relationship follows, the mask might still slip off…
And it can all be subconscious. This is not to say that we should live in cynicism or keep walls up - that’s the opposite of transparent mentorship. That’s veiled.
It’s to say we should constantly review the dynamics of our relationships. The first order of business in avoiding this type of relationship is to remind yourself that as a human, you’re allowed to evolve.
Actually, you’re expected to evolve.
But you can’t passively expect everyone to satisfactorily evolve with you. You need to actively cross reference your core values and your intake of guidance. You deserve advisors and guidance that supports your process, that accepts your evolutions and autonomy.
I cannot overstate the importance of staying in tune with yourself throughout all your interactions, especially where you’re on the receiving end of high-stakes advice. You must continue to ask ourselves, and your advisors, the good, hard questions.
“Last Stands” aren’t always weak - sometimes they’re powerful and long-lasting. But here’s the beauty: once we ask the good questions, formulate our values, and understand where we’re going…It’s the last 10% that we finish 90% of the work.
Roundup
Mentorships are relative, and they’re personal. No two mentor relationships are alike - even those with a common mentor.
But I think the true magic can be lost if we perpetuate and emphasize the wrong things:
A mentor can come from anywhere, and should know and appreciate their mentees darkness and truth. They should be there for the long, messy haul.
And they should help their mentees embrace uncertainty and resistance while realizing the relationship is not static - it should evolve along with both parties.