Championing You Through Coaching

In December 2021 I was going through my International Coaching Federation renewal process for my ACC accreditation and was working with two amazing women - Demetra Moore who is our mentor coach and Jasmine Hines who is my fellow traveler in this ACC journey.

Towards the end of the program, we were exploring the coaching competencies of Effective Communication and Evoking Awareness and I experienced a moment I will never forget.

I realized that as a content curator/creator online, and a coach, I am constantly facing the coach's conflict - whether my beliefs should be shared.

I am a coach and I am human

Like most if not all human beings, I have beliefs. I believe the earth is roughly spherical, that institutional racism is a real problem and not made up, that Covid-19 is also real and that on balance, vaccines and precautions in public are our best defense. I believe that the science of character from the VIA Institute on Character is one of the most useful tools we have to help humans navigate challenges effectively and wisely. I believe certain sources of information and knowledge are reliable, and others not so, I believe that the most fulfilling moments come from helping others achieve their purpose. I also believe that V for Vendetta is the best movie EVER and that Depeche Mode has performed some of the best songs.

These are just a smattering of my beliefs. They are also some of the many that I am aware of. There are others that are probably just as ingrained but not as apparent to me - I am not able to give examples at this time because... they are not apparent to me. (if anyone reading this has spotted some of my ingrained beliefs, I would love to know what you see!) And there are still other beliefs that have changed over time - such as believing that being a person who struggles to manage anxiety means I cannot be brave (I don't believe that any more), that I am broken because I have mental health setbacks, that there is something odd about me because family time is not my North star, or because I love my work so much that it is also a big part of my play! Yes I read positive psychology books and books about race history because I enjoy the experience of expanding my learning and deepening my understanding.

I am a coach and my beliefs are not important

When I am coaching you, the beliefs that matter are the beliefs you have. My job includes challenging the basis of your beliefs - to help you decide if they are useful, based on evidence, and are resilient to counter-evidence. My job as a coach also to disrupt beliefs not by questioning their basis or their value, but by asking you to think about what your world looks like if your beliefs are mistaken, or you choose not to act according to your beliefs.

And, my job is to put my personal beliefs aside - because what I believe may well be wrong and at the very least are not the subject of your coaching session. What I believe may not be true for everyone. What I believe may change in the face of new information or a good robust counterargument! My job is to create a safe space where you feel comfortable sharing your beliefs, and safe to explore what you want to do with them. Your psychological safety is my number one focus. Co-creating an environment where you can explore and experiment with new ideas is paramount.

Coaching is all about YOU

Many people come to coaching believing that the coach is going to "solve their problem", "share the solution", "provide advice" or "tell them what to do". And there may even be a moment of disappointment when the client realizes that none of those things are going to happen. Sigh.

So often we believe we want to be told the answer. And yet, if you think about times that you asked someone for advice, how often did you take it? And if you did take it, how did you feel about it later?

Is everything coachable?

Not everything is a coaching moment - for example, if you call the help desk at a computer company and ask them how to turn on your new laptop, you don't want a coach, you want a teacher - someone who can give you the instructions, will let you try the instructions while they stay on the call, someone who will wait to confirm that indeed the steps they recommended did, in fact, turn on the computer. You want an expert who can share their knowledge.

Now imagine you are deciding whether to relocate to a new city, or downsize your house, change major in college, change job, leave your life partner, report the behavior of your boss, get a dog, exercise more (or less), navigate a challenging period of parenting ...

You want an answer, a way forward, a solution - that you can believe in, commit to and pursue... Do you really want that answer from someone who is not you, does not have your experiences, priorities, preferences or... beliefs?

In these situations, you may want a coach. While it is quite likely that you want to hear about that new city from a local, you probably don't want them to decide if that city is right for you. While you may want to know about other's experiences of different neighborhoods and smaller properties, only you can decide how large a house you need, what you can afford, what your housing priorities are relative to other priorities you may have. You probably don't want someone with lots of experience of leaving life partners (or experience of doggedly staying despite really hard times or inappropriate behavior).

What we think we want vs what we get the most utility from

In these situations, what we often think we want is - for someone to give us the answer. "Just tell me what to do" we cry.

And yet, what we most often get the most benefit from is:

1. Someone whose only interest in the outcome is that you feel it is the best option. Their belief about what is or might be best for you is of no consequence.
2. Someone who is familiar with the process of EXPLORING challenging questions with openness and compassion - they believe you know what you need to make the best choices for you.
3. Someone who recognizes that the best choice for you may well look different to the best choice for them or for someone else. They don't believe in a one-size-fits-all approach or that anyone "should" or "shouldn't" make a choice that is good for them.**
4. Someone who will listen really closely to what we are saying, and not saying and help us feel really heard.
5. Someone who makes it safe to say out loud the things that are hard to say, hard to acknowledge or feel risky to share with others.
6. Someone who creates a sense of safety, possibility and non-judgment.

Coaching is incredibly powerful and effective precisely because the coach's beliefs are NOT the focus of the conversation. If we do give suggestions, it is most likely to be a menu of possibilities, or a wild idea to get the creative juices flowing, or a list of things that have worked for others. We will not use the words, "what you should do is" or "What I would do if I were you is..."

At the end of a session, or a series of sessions, you will walk away with what YOU want to do. You will believe in the choice, believe in yourself, and believe in the process that got you there. You will have reality tested your choices. You will have a plan - even if that plan is to do nothing. Doing nothing is, after all, a choice.

In May 2022, Ruth and her partners will be launching our Project Manager Burnout Coaching program focusing on burnout prevention for #projectmanagers. The team is working on a variety of exciting ways to help you to turn around and/or prevent burnout - that sense of exhaustion, disconnection and cynicism that is often the very opposite of how we felt at the start of a job.

For more information check out our PM-BoC website here:

Want to measure your own level of burnout? Take the free Burnout Assessment Tool here: