Cinderella CrankaTsuris

Cinderella CrankaTsuris

By Steven Joseph

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a little girl named Ella. Ella had a childhood everyone wished they could have. She had two warm and loving parents, Brucie and Frannie Wayne, and they lived in a big castle overseeing the largest city in the Kingdom. The City was called Gotham City.

Bruce and Frannie Wayne made their fortune in the shoe business. There was nobody else that could match the beautiful shoes that they were able to produce. The most precious of the different model shoes that they made were their special ruby red slippers. The ruby red slippers were the most coveted shoes in the entire kingdom, and many believed that the slippers contained special powers that would protect anyone wearing the shoes from any kind of evil or harm.

On the other side of the Kingdom lived the Wicked Witch. She spent her day doing all sorts of fun and wicked things. But even with her wickedness, she was not able to get her own pair of ruby red slippers. The problem with the slippers is that if you were already living an evil life, you could not wear the slippers that would protect yourself from yourself.

One day, the Wicked Witch concocted a plan to wait outside the ballet theater that Bruce and Frannie would always take their daughter, Ella, on Sundays. Ella was quite fond of the ballet, and she loved going to the ballet with her parents wearing her ruby red slippers. 

The Wicked Witch had just used a spell to turn Prince Frankie into a frog. It had worked so well. So now, the Wicked Witch decided that she was going to use this spell to turn the entire Wayne family into frogs. The Wicked Witch believed that if she turned Ella into a frog, and then do another spell to turn herself into a human form that looked like Ella, the ruby red slippers could then be worn by the Wicked Witch. The plan was that once the Wicked Witch had the ruby red slippers on her feet, she could then do another spell to change back into her old Wicked Witch self.

That Sunday, just as the Wayne family were leaving the theater, the Wicked Witch approached them. Quickly, she cast a spell on Brucie and Frannie, and they turned into frogs. But, because Ella was wearing the ruby red slippers that protected her from both evil and harm, the spell cast on Ella backfired, and the Wicked Witch herself transformed into a fly. 

Now that Brucie and Frannie were frogs, they quickly developed frog habits, and started to chase down the fly. They were able to catch the fly, who moments earlier, had been a wicked witch, and together they shared the fly as their first frog meal.

Ella was left alone. Ella lost the complete memory of her past, including even her name. Also, mysteriously, the ruby red slippers disappeared from her feet.

Frannie’s sister was a woman who lived alone with her three daughters. Her name was Maize Rapunzel, and her daughters were named Raize, Staize, and Traize. Momma Maizie, as the closest relative, took in Ella as her stepchild. However, she was not kind at all. She did not tell Ella the real story about her parents. She simply told Ella that her parents had abandoned her. Momma Maize immediately put Ella to work, cleaning the house all day, and preparing meals. Also, because all of the Rapunzels had very long hair, the sinks and bathtubs in the house would always get clogged up, and it was Ella’s job everyday to unclog the sinks and the bathtub.  

Momma Maize made Ella sleep in the basement where in was very dusty and dirty. Also, because the Rapunzels wanted the bathtub clear for themselves, it was only on a rare occasion that Ella was allowed to take a bath. Because Ella was always filthy, the Rapunzels all called Ella “Cinderella”.

Momma Maize took over the Wayne’s shoe factory, and renamed all the of the shoe stores that the Wayne family had previously run “The Marvelous Mrs. Maize’s Shoe Emporium.” However, nobody thought that the shoes were all that marvelous. No matter what Momma Maize tried, she could not duplicate the ruby red slippers that the Waynes had manufactured.

This got Momma Maize even more mad. One day, she decided that Cinderella brought her bad luck, and that was the reason that Momma Maize could not duplicate the magical ruby red slippers. Momma Maize concocted a plan to bring home a poisonous snake and put the snake in the basement room that Cinderella slept in. The snake would poison Cinderella, and once Cinderella was gone, Momma Maize would then be able to make the magical ruby red slippers. Everyone in the Kingdom would then pronounce her as “The Marvelous Mrs. Maize”!

That night, after Cinderella was fast asleep, Momma Maize snuck down into the room, and let out the snake that she had carried in her basket. The snake immediately slivered over to Cinderella, and just as the snake was about to take a bite out of Cinderella, Cinderella woke up startled and started speaking to the snake. The snake was excited that he was able to understand every word that Cinderella had said. They talked with each other all night long, and quickly became friends.

Cinderella was excited to have a new best friend.  Cinderella was even more excited that the snake was able to fit in the drains of the sinks and the bathtub, and help Cinderella unclog all the drains. When Momma Maize would check up on Cinderella and the snake, the snake always hid away. Momma Maize decided not to plot any further against Cinderella because she thought that Cinderella became quite good at unclogging drains, and Cinderella was needed because all of the Rapunzels had such long hair which, of course, clogged all of the drains on a daily basis.

The three sisters, Raize, Staize, and Traize were lazy and crazy, and also very mean to Cinderella. They would boss Cinderella around all day, especially to put away all the shoes that Momma Maize would bring home for them.

The sisters also spent most of the day either washing, combing or blow drying their hair. At least five or six times a day, the sisters would approach Cinderella and ask her if she thought that their hair was beautiful.

Raize would say; “Our hair is so shiny.”

Staize would say; “Our hair is so silky.”

Traize would say; “Our hair is so long.”

Cinderella would always just respond politely by saying that yes, of course, their hair is not only beautiful, but it is also so shiny, so silky and so so long. Because Cinderella was not able to bathe much, her hair was not so beautiful, or so shiny, silky or long. Cinderella never complained, and always did whatever tasks her three mean stepsisters demanded Cinderella to do.

On the other side of town, not far from the castle that the Wayne family had lived in stood the palace where the King, Queen, and Prince Frankie lived. As we have said, years earlier, the Wicked Witch used a spell to Prince Frankie into a frog. A year earlier, Prince Frankie, or how he was known back then as “Frankie the Frog” saw a delicious fly land on a young lady named Snow White.

Snow White, herself, had been put into a deep sleep when the Wicked Witch tricked Snow White into eating a poisonous apple. Snow White would only be able to wake up if a prince approached her and kissed her lips. Frankie the Frog was so grateful for the delicious fly meal that he found on Snow White’s face, he gave Snow White a big thankful kiss. Immediately, Snow White woke up and Prince Frankie turned back into human form.

Everyone in the Kingdom, including Snow White, assumed that Prince Frankie and Snow White would get married and live happily ever after. However, after nine months of dating, Prince Frankie broke up with Snow White. After the breakup, Prince Frankie paced every day through the castle, and it was obvious to everyone that Prince Frankie was feeling very cranky. The King and Queen, upset that Prince Frankie broke up with Snow White, summoned Prince Frankie into their private chambers.

King: You seem upset. Why don’t you just get back together with Snow White?

Queen: My dear Frankie, she seems like such a nice girl. Besides, a prince who was a frog cannot be so picky.

Prince: I told you the story. It just did not work out. First, she insisted on living with seven dwarves. What kind of a woman lives with seven dwarves?

King: You know. When I met your mother, she was living with four giants.

Prince: That was different. The four giants were guarding the castle. Snow White is always busy cooking and cleaning after these seven dwarves. I witnessed this. They may have been little, but they were all big slobs. The mess they make, it is crazy. It is like living with seven little children!

Queen: You have to understand. This is destiny. You had the magical kiss with Snow White. Everyone in the Kingdom wants to see you two married.

Prince: I will tell you again. It was not a kiss. It was a meal. The meal happened to be on Snow White’s lips.

King: I do not have to tell you again. When you were a frog, your mother cried herself to sleep every night. What kind of queen would have a frog for a son, she cried!

Prince: You know. Sometimes, all I want is to be turned back into a frog. It was not so bad being a frog. When I was a frog, this wonderful frog couple Brucie and Frannie Frog took me in, and treated me like their own son. One night, they showed me in their frog home a pair of ruby red slippers. They told me that one day, I would turn back to human form. They explained to me that when I do, I was to take the ruby red slippers and place them on the feet on the person who will one day be my bride. Once the shoes are placed on her feet, she has to say “there is no place like home.” Something magical is then supposed to happen, and I will know that this girl is the right girl for me.

King: So, did you ever try putting the ruby red slippers on Snow White’s feet?

Prince: I did, and Snow White did say “there is no place like home.”

Queen: So, that is good. What happened?

Prince: The seven dwarves came over and gave us a group hug. I can tell you. None of the seven dwarves ever learned how to take a bath. They all stunk like a sewer.

Queen: This is not important. Everyone is talking about it. You do know that Snow White came out with her autobiography “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” It was such a big hit, it became a major motion picture. They are playing it in all the movie theaters. I saw the movie. It was great! Do you know how the movie ended?

King: Yes. Snow White marries the Prince, and they live happily ever after.

Prince: This is what makes me crazy. This is why I am pacing up and down the halls everyday brooding. Do you really want to know the reason we broke up? Snow White always got insulted when I referred to the seven dwarves as “dwarves.” She would always try to correct me and say “They are not dwarves. They are seven cute little men.” Day after day, I had to hear Snow White complaining about that. I always had to hear how insensitive I was. And what does she do once we break up? She puts out a best selling book called “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” I tell you. Snow White is a vengeful person, and she cannot be trusted.

King: I understand. But do you have a plan B?

Prince: In fact, I do. I have been chatting on line on the computer recently with this girl named Cinderella. She lives with her stepmother, and three stepsisters. Apparently, they are very mean to her, and they never let Cinderella out of the house. When the three stepsisters are away, she sneaks on to the computer, and that is how we talk.

Queen: Cinderella. It sounds like such a dirty name. I already do not like her. 

King: Even if you chat on the computer, it is still not the same as meeting the person. You have to admit at least, the music in the movie “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves” is fabulous. Your mother ordered the album on Amazon, and she plays the soundtrack to the movie just before we go to bed.

Queen: It’s my favorite album. Snow White has such a beautiful voice.

Prince: I have a plan. Okay. I am going to throw a big party at the palace next Saturday night. I will have the servants send out invitations to every maiden in the land. I will even send out an invitation to Snow White.

King: Wait a second. I like the plan, but this Cinderella. You say she is never allowed to leave the house.

Prince: I know. But we have been talking. Cinderella tells me that she plans to hook up with a fairy Godmother that she read about in a book online, and this fairy Godmother will magically transform her into a beautiful princess. She will arrive in a stagecoach meant for a princess. Once she arrives at the palace, I will put the ruby red slippers on her feet. She will say “there is no place like home.” Something, I tell you will happen. You will see.

Queen: Son! You are living in a fairy tale. So, tell me. What happens if nothing happens.

Prince: If nothing happens, you have my word. I will get back together with Snow White, and Snow White and I will get married. I have to warn you that the seven dwarves will have to move into the palace so it may be a bit smelly here.

Queen: No worries. We will make sure they all get bathed.

That Saturday evening, the big palace ball blasts off. Everyone who is anyone is there. However, there is no sign of Cinderella. The three Rapunzel sisters approach the Prince.

Raize: Our hair is so shiny.

Staize: Our hair is so silky.

Traize: Our hair is so long.

The Prince, frustrated, thinks to himself that Raize, Staize, and Traize are indeed crazy.

Snow White then approaches the Prince.

Snow White: Did you see the movie? In the ending, we get married and live happily ever after!

Prince: No. I refuse to see that movie. And, we are not getting married. I told you. I do not want to spend the rest of my life with seven dwarves.

Snow White: They are not dwarves. They are cute little men. 

Prince Frankie walks away disgusted, and mutters to himself “dwarves.”

Snow White: I heard that. They are not dwarves. They are cute little men.

Meanwhile, at the Rapunzel home, Cinderella and her snake friend begin to chant following exactly the instructions she saw online to summon a fairy godmother. Sure enough, Cinderella’s fairy godmother appears.

Cinderella approaches her fairy godmother. 

Cinderella: Oh Fairy Godmother. You are here. Thank goodness! I am ready for you. Transform me into a beautiful princess. Take whatever you need, and turn a pumpkin, a potato, whatever, into a beautiful carriage. There are mice outside and you can tun them into well dressed horsemen. Hurry. I am late. I have to meet the Prince.

Fairy Godmother: Nope. No ball gown. No carriage. No horsemen. 

Cinderella: I do not understand. But, in the book….. I read the book on line. It was on the internet.

Fairy Godmother: First, you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. Second, I did bring you something. I will take it out of my bag. It is a megaphone. Try it out. I put in fresh batteries.

Cinderella grabbed the megaphone, and started to scream into it.

Cinderella: A megaphone? You brought me only a megaphone? You gotta be freakin kidding me. You think that I pretended to be nice all these years, being a martyr just to be given a lousy megaphone? Do you think I enjoyed cleaning and cooking up after these Rapunzel witches? Do you think I enjoyed listening to Raize, Staize and Traize everyday say repeatedly over and over again “Isn’t our hair shiny? Isn’t our hair silky? Isn’t our hair long?” Now if I do not get a prince tonight, I am going to report you to the Better Fairy Godmother Business Bureau. This is so unacceptable! I will tell you. This is beyond outrageous.”  

Cinderella was so loud cranking out her tsuris on the megaphone, it was heard above all the noise at the ball. Prince Frankie immediately recognized Cinderella’s voice, and sent his best horsemen to bring Cinderella to the castle.

Once at the castle, Prince Frankie brought out the rub red slippers, and placed them on the feet of Cinderella. He asked Cinderella to chant the words “There is no place like home.”

Cinderella chanted the words, and two frogs jumped through the window, and leap frogged over to the Prince Frankie and Cinderella. Prince Frankie immediately recognized the frogs as Brucie and Frannie.

Prince Frankie then turned to Brucie and Frannie, and asked them what they were doing there.  

Brucie and Frannie said together; “Give Cinderella a kiss, and you shall understand.”

Prince Frankie gave Cinderella a kiss, and Brucie and Frannie immediately returned to their human form. Cinderella looked at them as if she just woke up from a dream, and said “Momma! Poppa!” They all wept and gave each other a big hug.

The next day, Prince Frankie and Cinderella got married and they lived happily ever after. Brucie and Frannie reopened their shoe factory and once again, began producing beautiful ruby red slippers.

By the way, a year later, the movie Cinderella came out, and it was a big hit. Nobody wanted to see Snow White and the Seven Dwarves anymore. Apparently, everyone started to think that it was just not so nice to call those seven cute little men “dwarves.” 

For more great stories, check out www.StevenJosephAuthor.com, and Order A Grownup Guide to Effective Crankiness: The CrankaTsuris Method.