Confronting Toxicity: Navigating the Complexities of Family Dynamics

Delving into the intricacies of familial relationships, individually we grapple with the impact of toxic relatives and this article reflects on the enduring struggle for harmony and understanding.

Unraveling the Complexities of Family Dynamics

"The fact that we are relatives doesn't mean we are friends!" one of my cousins told me. So I went back into the pocket of my mind for a penny of thought,that is, if there was any left.I bet not. Even so, those words still rang in my mind like an iPhone's ringtone. I still had to ponder, meditate, and think twice, if not just to comprehend but to have each word understood in detail.

Toxic relativity is here and it has always lived with us.I can't lie,it's been part of our lives, lived and is growing with us,so we can't pretend.If you deny it, then it is on your living room couch; why do some of your relatives won't ever lay their asses on your comfy sofa.

The Uncomfortable Truth About Family Gatherings

If you don't accept either,it is why you never go home during Christmas and only for a few hours at funerals for close family only.If you don't see it,then its eyes are gazing up from your ceiling,why you won't ever see eye to eye with some blood of yours. Don't you still believe that you won't attend family meetings or talk on WhatsApp groups, but you'll use other means to be heard? Accept,agree and believe. In one way or the other you are the victim or villain. Are you the doer or the one on the receiving end? Who and where are you?

Sometimes you are growing bitter but you don't know why?I grew up bitter but I could never understand.I think the tears I let sink in my heart have been a tall order to wipe them away. Even though I tried until I sank into writing sad poems,but words could take away the pain,so I thought time would heal.Until then I have given time time and have been waiting on time until I got this time,to write a story that had stood the test of time.

Navigating the Stormy Waters of Family Relationships

"Why do we treat relatives,not the way we treat friends?" Once asked by an author in a book am yet to remember the title. This really sank deep ,it was ethereal,naked, vulnerable, tangible and relatable.I was like "aah" .Should that be the case,having that the author was white. So it was not only an African,a third world ,a black problem but universal, social,cultural issue indiscriminate of origin or ones roots. It got me the awareness of self,of who I am,that it was not only me into this conversation but it was a story we would all want told.With the whole wide and wild world at my back.

My identity has drawn into this story since some of the sentiments once made ,made me question my race and colour and I was like "who are they in the first place,is her marriage not a black to a black marriage?" Just like guiness' tagline -"made of black."That was it ,pure and bold,black I've always believed to be gold.Then I said to myself,"why are we racist in or own colour?"Is it that some brown people see themselves lighter in complexion,closer to white.

For once I felt like characters in books by my favourite feminist author Chimamanda,where they struggle with racism living abroad.I mean,why do words have to go too far,to even more personal and mind depressing. "Hey,I am proud to be African,black is beauty!" Reads my WhatsApp status that day after the verbal assault.I had to add another WhatsApp status to close up the day,it read;"sticks and stonesay break my bones but words never harm me,never will they!"

The Painful Dichotomy Between Relatives and Friends

The way they handle you is not the way they handle their friends. Mind you.If you they don't laugh with you (if either you meet or stay with them) they smile widely with friends.They will make noise all day only to come home silent with you because they naturally find you boring or not worthy to live with them.Even if you are older than them ,know that 21st century parenting has raised them -spoilt brats.

This lot whose parents say "guza mtoto wangu uone." They'll serve before you because you ain't a child of the house,they also have the entitlement to shout or insult you.Then this kind of toxicity is also seeded in the kids!So if your days are to be prolonged, the law states, "thou shall honor the father and mother plus the children for this is the first rule with a promise to lengthen your stay."

Staying with them is not an issue,the parent of the problem is "visits". Why should even visit in the first place yet you'll invade their privacy. The antidote to this venom is " don't you dare!".The first step to avoid toxic relatives. I was once asked "why do you keep coming here,do you see your agemates here?" Said the relative. How toxic can toxic be ,from such sentiments that may send you reaching for the door if not saving your patience to pay you.Staying up for the skae of your mission. On this particular event ,I absorbed the weight of these words and the bulk of it sank in my head.

The Bitter Pill of Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family

I came to see to it that,growing up,siblings develop cliques, and presumably, the parents may handle them. Unfortunately, all over Suddden, everyone is all grown, and this sync of blood ties passes on to the kids. So you find,it's not Aunty Phoebe or Uncle Paul who is toxic to all but some specific siblings with particular personalities.

It is always worse for you,if you are on the receiving end. For the guys like me who don't like drama,we walk away without a word.The stage is always set for the drama kings and queens,ready for action. It is from the insults that long hidden secrets are blurted out in the most abrupt and uncouth manner.

For one friend of mine ,during a fall out with an auntie, he knew he was not his father's son; sadly,he'd always boasted of the dad's wealth.I mean, auntie toxic why couldn't say this even via text or an email,now see the whole hood knows about what's between Baba "Nani"and the son.Poor boychild is broken to the core.

I know of relatives with their varying toxic levels on a pH scale.Ranging from toxic" auntie wa Harrier",toxic "uncle Big belly", toxic " city cuzos " and even toxic "grand paros"-the latter shocks me,but they exist.They come in different forms, ages, and surprises till you wonder if their drama adds up as the next big social problem after body shaming.I feel 2021 DC (during COVID) is enough for these!

I don't preach hate ,but tell me how to one day telly kids to love those that envy their progress.I don't teach selfishness but brotherhood despite our differences. I will always know my blood is my blood and our relationship should never get anything less thicker than the scarlet of our grandparents that held us as a cord.I don't want to see a divided lot but a union called a family where everyone is a friend to the other ;that our kids may one day harvest from the seeds of love we once sowed.

A generation that will live knowing how bad toxicity of relatives can get,to even break bonds bound by blood ties.That we may always find peace in our hearts to forgive the wrong and bitterness it caused.

Just for a moment,a second of soul searching would help to see,how toxic you have ever or longed to be in one way or another. It never pays the price for the value of joy you hope; instead, it costs a heart the pain.I being a victim in the hands of relatives,I have seen, heard and suffered much.

#End toxicity

By Isaac Oketch