Connection Through Conflict

While most of us dread conflict, by managing it effectively you may find that you have deepened a relationship and improved connection.

Katy, senior-level public relations executive at a southwest PR agency, had a problem: she hated confrontation, and found it challenging to convey to her highly emotional colleague how his irresponsible actions affected the team. With tension between them growing, she found herself avoiding the difficult conversation in which she would have to lay it on the line: become accountable or leave.

I coached Katy on how to engage in difficult conversations and mapped out a plan to have a direct and open conversation. She would require courage and preparation. After the conversation, which was handled with directness and humanity, her colleague clearly understood how he affected the team. From that point forward, their relationship grew. They are still close friends, although they have both moved on to other organizations. Most of us rank unpleasant workplace discussion a few rungs below shark attack on the universal ladder of enjoyment. Unfortunately, tough talks are a fact of business life. Without facing and managing conversations effectively, results and productivity are negatively affected.

You may be avoiding a difficult conversation that is driving a wedge between you and someone else in your business. What is distracting you from getting powerfully connected in conversation? This chapter will provide tools to help you create stronger relationship opportunities out of difficult conversations.

The only way to be an expert at difficult conversations is to have difficult conversations. We face these talks—performance gaps, firings, breakdowns in communication, trust fails—all the time. One thing we need to keep in mind is how to stay connected.

Imagine you have a valuable client who is terrorizing your team: angry emails, shouting in meetings, the works. Your team doesn’t want to work with this guy. But you fear that if you have to speak to him directly about his behavior, he’ll walk.

What do you do? You can avoid the conversation and allow the status quo, risking employee turnover and looking like a wimp. Or, you can have the courage to stand up for your team and risk the fallout.

I’ve learned many strategies regarding how to manage confrontations, verbal skirmishes, and tough performance conversations. Here are ideas from my first book, Those DifficultTalks for PR Pros: How to Best Say What Needs to Be Said to Clients, Colleagues, and Employees.

1. Let the other person go. People are emotional, and sometimes they “don’t want to hear it.” Instead of diving into a serious or potentially disconnecting subject, ask the person for his or her thoughts first. Then, be responsive, without wavering on your position or point of view, but leaving plenty of space and air around the words, so the listener does not feel attacked.
2. Recognize other people’s emotions and vulnerabilities, and use this information to connect better. Translation: listen closely.
3. Plan for every negative or emotional response.
4. If things get heated, shift the conversation.

Sometimes you can use humor or measured silence. But don’t stray off the topic. Take a breath and return to your key messages.

5. Get results following a strict DIETS methodology:

D—Detect your own feelings. Since our thoughts control our feelings and our feelings create our actions and results, we need to always tread carefully.

I—Identify other people’s feelings. Though we can’t read minds, we can tap into our intuition—our gut feelings—and read the body language of the other person.

E—Evaluate a situation. Put the facts up front. Then consider other interpretations of the situation.

T—Try a course of action. These skills are essential for all situations: active listening, clarifying, and validation.

S—Study the outcome and commit to improving. I call this the Thorns-and-Roses moment. Whenever we have any conflict resolution, I look squarely at the stuff that succeeded, a.k.a. the roses. We have to acknowledge what works. Then move on to what has failed, a.k.a. the thorns. I want to know what made people uncomfortable. I need to see how I can do my job better.

One of the most important things to consider is the personality profiles in your situation. The best discussion happens when you know the kind of person you are negotiating with, so you can anticipate how that individual will respond, and be ready to adapt accordingly.

There is often gold that you can mine out of conflict. It takes courage but can often be worth staying in the conversation long enough to find it.

Do you have an example of where by leaning into the conflict it resulted in greater connection and an improved relationship?