The Courage to be Disliked

Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga (2013 Japan, 2019 translated).  The courage to be disliked: The Japanese phenomenon that shows you how to change your life and achieve real happiness.  Simon & Schuster: Toronto

xv  None of us live in an objective world, but instead in a subjective world that we ourselves have given meaning to.  The world you see is different from the one I see, and it’s impossible to share your world with anyone else

5-7  Alfred Adler … I think it is fair to say that Adlerian psychology is clearly in line with Greek philosophy … Adler … proposed an “individual psychology” based on his own original theories … Though psychology primarily tends to be associated with Freud and Jung, Adler is recognized throughout the rest of the world, along with Freud and Jung, as one of the three giants in this field … Dale Carnegie

8-11  people can change … everyone can find happiness … If we focus only on past causes and try to explain things solely through cause and effect, we end up with “determinism.” … in Adlerian psychology, we do not think about past “causes” but rather about present “goals.” … the difference between etiology (the study of causation) and teleology (the study of the purpose of a given phenomenon, rather than its cause.)

13  In Adlerian psychology, trauma is definitely denied … The Freudian view … is that a person’s psychic wounds (trauma) cause his or her present challenges … But Adler … states the following: “No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure.  We do not suffer from the shock of our experience – the so-called trauma – but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes.  We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.”

18  anger is a tool that can be taken out as needed … anger is a means to achieve a goal

20  nihilism … Everyone has emotions … But … We are not controlled by emotion … “people can change”

23  The first step to change is knowing … You should arrive at answers on your own … that valuable process of arriving at answers through dialogue

27  “The important thing is not what one is born with but what one makes of that equipment.”

28-30  It is not replacement we need but renewal … “No one desires evil” … It’s a proposition generally known as a Socratic paradox … Every criminal has an internal justification for getting involved in crime … The Greek word for “good” (agathon) does not have a moral meaning.  It just means “beneficial.”  Conversely, the word for “evil” (kakon) means “not beneficial.”

31-35  In Adlerian psychology, we describe personality and disposition with the word “lifestyle.” … Lifestyle is the tendencies of thought and action in life … lifestyle is thought of as something that you choose for yourself … Your first choice was probably unconscious, combined with external factors … it happens around the age of ten … no one can choose his or her own birth … But what you do with it from here on is your responsibility … When we try to change our lifestyles, we put our great courage to the test.  There is anxiety generated by changing, and the disappointment attendant to not changing … Adlerian psychology is a psychology of courage

37-39  What do I need to do to change my life? … What you should do now is to make a decision to stop your current lifestyle … But if you change your lifestyle – the way of giving meaning to the world and yourself – then both your way of interacting with the world and your behavior will have to change as well … you, living in the here and now, are the one who determines your own life … because the past does not exist … read Plato’s dialogues.  The conduct and language of the disciples of Socrates are surprisingly loose.  That’s the way a dialogue is supposed to be

49-51  accept “myself now,” and then regardless of the outcome have the courage to step forward … this kind of approach is called “encouragement.” … it’s basically impossible to not get hurt in your relations with other people

52-54  Loneliness is having other people and society and community around you, and having a deep sense of being excluded from them … “All problems are interpersonal relationship problems.” … so-called internal worry does not exist

58-59  the feelings of inferiority we’re suffering from are subjective interpretations rather than objective facts … it’s an arbitrary assumption … value is something that’s based on a social context

60-64  feelings of inferiority are something everyone has … First of all, people enter this world as helpless beings.  And people have the universal desire to escape from that helpless state … the “pursuit of superiority.” … “hoping to improve” or “pursuing an ideal state.” … However, on not being able to reach one’s ideals, one harbors a sense of being lesser … the pursuit of superiority and the feeling of inferiority are not diseases but stimulants to normal, healthy striving and growth … an inferiority complex … “complex” refers to an abnormal mental state made up of a complicated group of emotions and ideas, and has nothing to do with the feeling of inferiority … Freud’s Oedipus complex … The inferiority complex … refers to a condition of having begun to use one’s feelings of inferiority as a kind of excuse … “apparent cause and effect.” … it’s scary to take even one step forward

66-71  The condition of having a feeling of inferiority is a condition of feeling some sort of lack in oneself in the present situation … The healthiest way is to compensate through striving and growth … The inferiority complex can also develop into … the “superiority complex.” … “giving authority.” … it isn’t that the “I” is actually superior or special.  It is only that one is making the “I” look superior by linking it to authority … But those who make themselves look bigger on borrowed power are essentially living according to other people’s value system – they are living other people’s lives … achievements? … “The one who boasts does so only out of a feeling of inferiority.” … one last example … bragging about one’s own misfortune … “In our culture weakness can be quite strong and powerful.” … in order to be “special,”

73-75  A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others; it comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self … Human beings are all equal, but not the same … When one is trying to be oneself, competition will inevitably get in the way

76-80  If there is competition at the core of a person’s interpersonal relationships, he will not be able to escape interpersonal relationship problems or escape misfortune … Before you know it, you start to see each and every person, everyone in the whole world, as your enemy … they should become more positive comrades … celebrate other people’s happiness … contribute actively to other people’s happiness

83-86  Righteous indignation … lasts for a long time.  Anger as an expression of a personal grudge is nothing but a tool for making others submit to you … once the interpersonal relationship reaches the revenge stage, it is almost impossible for either party to find a solution.  To prevent this from happening, when one is challenged to a power struggle, one must never allow oneself to be taken in

87-89  When you are challenged to a fight, and you sense that it is a power struggle, step down from the conflict as soon as possible … anger is a form of communication … no matter how much you think you are right, try not to criticize the other party on that basis … The moment one is convinced that “I am right” in an interpersonal relationship, one has already stepped into a power struggle … Admitting mistakes, conveying words of apology, and stepping down from power struggles – none of these things is defeat … when you’re hung up on winning and losing … It clouds your judgment

91-93  First, there are two objectives for behavior: to be self-reliant and to live in harmony with society.  Then, the two objectives for the psychology that support these behaviors are the consciousness that I have the ability and the consciousness that people are my comrades … And these objectives can be achieved by facing … “life tasks.” … three categories of … interpersonal relationships … “tasks of work,” “tasks of friendship,” and “tasks of love,” and all together as “life tasks.” … “three social ties” … First, let’s look at the tasks of work … there is no work that can be completed all by oneself … And the ones who get tripped up in the interpersonal relationships at this stage are the people referred to as “NEETs” (a young person not in education, employment, or training) or “shut-ins” (a person confined indoors)

95-99  the task of friendship … This is a friend relationship … It is a relationship that is difficult to initiate or deepen … There’s no value at all in the number of friends or acquaintances you have … If you change, those around you will change too … Adlerian psychology is a psychology for changing oneself, not a psychology for changing others … irreplaceable friend … the task of love … Think of it as divided into two stages: one, what are known as love relationships; and two, relationships with family in particular parent-child relationships … most likely it is the task of love that is the most difficult … Relationships in which people restrict each other eventually fall apart … I am not affirming someone having an affair … Restriction … is a manifestation of the mind-set of attempting to control one’s partner, and also an idea founded on a sense of distrust … It is fundamentally impossible for a person to live life completely alone, and it is only in social contexts that the person becomes an “individual.” 

101-103  people are extremely selfish creatures who are capable of finding any number of flaws and shortcomings in others whenever the mood strikes them … Adler called the state of coming up with all manner of pretexts in order to avoid the life tasks the “life-lie.” … Even if you are avoiding your life tasks and clinging to your life-lie, it isn’t because you are steeped in evil … It is only an issue of courage

104  Adlerian psychology is not a “psychology of possession” but a “psychology of use.” … Freudian etiology is a psychology of possession, and eventually it arrives at determinism

112-114  What is it about our interpersonal relationships that is robbing us of our freedom? …  Adlerian psychology denies the need to seek recognition from others

117-118  Adler was very critical of education by reward and punishment … we are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations … Judaism … If you are not living your life for yourself, then who is going to live it for you?

122-125  When one is confronted with the task of studying, for instance, in Adlerian psychology we consider it from the perspective of “Whose task is this?” … One does not intrude on other people’s tasks … In general, all interpersonal relationship troubles are caused by intruding on other people’s tasks … Adlerian psychology does not recommend the non-interference approach … If it’s studying that is the issue, one tells the child that that is his task, and one lets him know that one is ready to assist him whenever he has the urge to study … counseling … “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.”

127-128  Children do not become what their parents want them to become … learn the boundary of “From here on, that is not my task.”  And discard other people’s task.  That is the first step toward lightening the load and making life simpler

130  All you can do with regard to your own life is choose the best path that you believe in.  On the other hand, what kind of judgment do other people pass on that choice?  That is the task of other people, and is not a matter you can do anything about

134-136  the Gordian knot … The separation of tasks is not the objective for interpersonal relationships.  Rather, it is the gateway … forming good interpersonal relationships requires a certain degree of distance … We must not seek reward, and we must not be tied to it … “Children who have not been taught to confront challenges will try to avoid all challenges.”

140  It is true that there is no person who wishes to be disliked … This is like a politician who has fallen into populism

143-146  Not wanting to be disliked by other people … Kant … called this desire “inclination.” … “freedom is being disliked by other people.” … don’t be afraid of being disliked … One neither prepares to be self-righteous nor becomes defiant … One moves forward without fearing the possibility of being disliked … Not wanting to be disliked is probably my task, but whether or not so-and-so dislikes me is the other person’s task … The courage to be happy also includes the courage to be disliked.  When you have gained that courage, your interpersonal relationships will all at once change into things of lightness

149-150  I was always holding the interpersonal relationship cards … Many people think that the interpersonal relationship cards are held by the other person … changing one’s own speech and conduct as a way of manipulating other people is clearly a mistaken way of thinking … When one is tied to the desire for recognition, the interpersonal relationship cards will always stay in the hands of other people.  Does one entrust the cards of life to another person, or hold onto them oneself?

157-159  “individual psychology,” … etymologically speaking, the word “individual” has the meaning “indivisible.” … Adler was opposed to any kind of dualistic value system that treated the mind as separate from the body – reason as separate from emotion, or the conscious mind as separate from the unconscious mind … “holism.”

161-164  the separating of tasks is the point of departure for interpersonal relationships … what is the goal of interpersonal relations?  It is “community feeling.” … community … all-inclusive … all of humanity … the entire axis of time from the past to the future … plants and animals and even inanimate objects … the entire universe, from the past to the future … “an unattainable ideal.” … interpersonal relations are the source of happiness … community feeling is the most important index for considering a state of interpersonal relations that is happy … “social interest,” … “interest in society.” … Society’s smallest unit … “you and I.” … make the switch from attachment to self (self-interest) to concern for others (social interest)

169-170  People who hold the belief that they are the center of the world always end up losing their comrades before long … a sense of belonging is something that one can attain only by making an active commitment to the community of one’s accord, and not simply by being here

174-176  all of us belong to multiple communities … a storm in a teacup … “Listen to the voice of the larger community.”

178-182  “horizontal relationship.” … One must not praise, and one must not rebuke … praise … is unconsciously creating a hierarchical relationship … the vertical relationship … When one person praises another, the goal is “to manipulate someone who has less ability than you.”  It is not done out of gratitude or respect … Whether we praise or rebuke others, the only difference is one of the carrot or the stick, and the background goal is manipulation … If one can build horizontal relationships that are equal but not the same” for all people, there will no longer be any room for inferiority complexes to emerge

183-186  intervention … is the act of intruding on other people’s tasks … It is necessary to offer assistance that does not turn into intervention … “encouragement.” … Being praised is what leads people to form the belief that they have no ability … Because giving praise is a judgement that is passed from a person of ability onto a person without ability

187-189  convey words of gratitude, saying thank you … “I’m glad.”  Or … “That was a big help.”  … encouragement that is based on horizontal relationships … in Adlerian psychology, a great deal of emphasis is given to “contribution.” … “It is only when a person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage.” … It is when one is able to feel “I am beneficial to the community” that one can have a true sense of one’s worth … “I am of use to someone.” … “I can make contributions to other people.”

192-193  Without judging whether or not other people did something, one rejoices in their being there, in their very existence … in the here and now

198-200  It is certainly important to respect one’s elders … what is important is to be equal in consciousness, and to assert that which needs to be asserted … I have never befriended an older man like you.  I have no idea if a friend relationship with such a difference in age is even possible … Age does not matter in love and friendship … I don’t just want to take apart your argument – I want you to take apart mine, too

205-207  There’s this kind of cultish quality to it all that I just can’t shake … psychology is supposed to be a science, and here was Adler discussion the issue of worth … one has to stop being attached to the “I” and make the switch to “concern for others.” … My self-consciousness won’t allow me to behave in an innocent way … What is happiness?

209-211  Three thing are needed at this point: “self-acceptance,” “confidence in others,” and “contribution to others.” … It’s not self-affirmation that we are concerned with, but self-acceptance … No one is perfect … “affirmation resignation.” … focus on what one can change, rather than on what one cannot … Kurt Vonnegut … “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” … the Serenity Prayer

212-218  “affirmative resignation” … Resignation has the connotation of seeing clearly with fortitude and acceptance.  Having a firm grip on the truth of things … There is nothing pessimistic about it … distinguishing trust from confidence … the basis of interpersonal relations is founded not on trust but on confidence … Believing unconditionally … there are also times when someone deceives you … Unconditional confidence is a means for making your interpersonal relationship with a person better and for building a horizontal relationship.  If you do not have the desire to make your relationship with that person better, then go ahead and sever it … As long as you are looking with doubt in your eyes, everything around you will appear to be evidence that she is cheating on you.  Even if she is not … To believe or to doubt – the choice should be clear

220-221  people who think of others as enemies have not attained self-acceptance and do not have enough confidence in others … the third key concept – contribution to others … There is no need to sacrifice the self

223-226  Why won’t they give me a hand?  Or Why do I have to do all the work? … On the other hand, if I’m humming away to myself … in good spirits … At the very least, I’d be creating an atmosphere in which it is easier for them to offer their help … self-acceptance, confidence in others, and contribution to others … these three are linked as an indispensable whole, in a sort of circular structure.  It is because one accepts oneself just as one is … that one can have “confidence in others” without the fear of being taken advantage of.  And it is because one can place unconditional confidence in others, and feel that people are one’s comrades, that one can engage in “contribution to others.” … Further, it is because one contributes to others that one can have the deep awareness that “I am of use to someone” and accept oneself just as one is.     … “Understanding a human being is no easy matter.  Of all the forms of psychology, individual psychology is probably the most difficult to learn and put into practice.” … people can change, regardless of their age

227-231  not everyone in the world is a good and virtuous person … it is “that person” who attacks you who has the problem … People with neurotic lifestyles tend to sprinkle their speech with such words as “everyone” and “always” and "everything.” … lacking in “harmony of life.” … the workaholic … is an example of a person who is clearly lacking in harmony of life … Does one accept oneself on the level of acts, or on the level of being?  This is truly a question that relates to the courage to be happy

233-236  the greatest unhappiness is not being able to like oneself … You are not the one who decides if your contributions are of use … happiness is the feeling of contribution … There is no freedom in a feeling of contribution that is gained through the desire for recognition … one can have happiness only if one has freedom

240  Whether … trying to be especially good, or trying to be especially bad, the goal is the same: to attract the attention of other people … and become a “special being.” … “pursuit of easy superiority.”

242-243  Socratic paradox … no one desires evil … “the courage to be normal.” … being ordinary … One does not need to flaunt one’s superiority

246  Think of life as a series of dots … a series of moments … We can live only in the here and now

249  Life is a series of moments, which one lives as if one were dancing … The kind of life … which tries to reach a destination, may be termed a “kinetic (dynamic) life.”  by contrast … dancing life … could be called an “energeial (actual-active-state) life.”

255-257  live earnestly and conscientiously … do not confuse being earnest with being too serious … When one has adopted an energeial viewpoint, life is always complete … The greatest life-lie of all is to not live here and now

258-264  “Life in general has no meaning.” … But being confronted by … incomprehensible tragedies without taking action is tantamount to affirming them … we must take some form of action … “Whatever meaning life has must be assigned to it by the individual.” … if “I” change, the world will change … “The world is simple, and life is too.”

268  in its original meaning, philosophy refers not to “wisdom” itself but to “love of wisdom,” and it is the very process of learning what one does not know and arriving at wisdom that is important