Daring to be transgender (in public)

So today is transgender awareness day and is perhaps a good day to share a little fragment of my life since I socially transitioned two months ago.

My very existence seems to be a political and social provocation to swathes of the population. As a non-passing transwoman, I get a broad range of reactions. I literally have random strangers asking if they can have their photo taken with me. I have small groups of certain types of men point at me and laugh. I have women come up and tell me I am beautiful. I have people shout abuse at me. Some people get up and make a point of moving away from me, others get up and sit next to me (often in a creepy way).

I am mis-gendered by accident and on purpose from day to day. Two days ago a car stopped next to me, the window rolled down and a woman yelled at me that I looked great, I had a small moment of panic not knowing what was going to happen before then giving her a smile and gracious wave.

Some days I know I will struggle to get even close to "passing" and while I don't see my identity as a test to pass or fail, I do get judged by almost every person I meet. Other days I feel great and feel that I look good but it doesn't mean the world feels the same way. If I show a lack of confidence or belief in myself I can quickly lose perspective and feel scared of stepping out in public, not knowing what random abuse or compliments I may face that day.

 I feel that I cannot make the smallest mistake or show the slightest weakness in case it is used as a case against me and transwomen as a whole.

And yet, I am not a one dimensional being. My transgender aspect is just a part of who I am. I speak several languages, have done photographic exhibitions in multiple continents, written on art theory, have a master's degree in a STEM field and another degree in international politics and am seen as an expert in a variety of fields and am a goddess in the kitchen.

I have had two very successful careers in different sectors, never been convicted of an offense, lived and worked in over a dozen countries. I care for people, I am socially engaged, I strive to get better and be better and to help those around me on a daily basis, and I treat all people with affection, respect and professional courtesy.

I did not choose to be transgender any more than you chose to be a man, a woman, black, white, gay or straight. I chose to transition, because the everyday pain of being in the wrong body was becoming too much to bear after decades of it; and the choice narrowed down to quite a stark set of alternatives.

I know that I must take myself seriously to be taken seriously by others. Where passing transwomen and cis-gendered women can afford to have a "lazy day" or be relaxed about their appearance, I cannot. If I do, then the difference in the amount of abuse directed at me is palpable.

So each day starts with a strict regime of skincare and a studious application of cosmetics, then meticulous efforts to put together a well coordinated outfit that is appropriate for the business of the day.

Laser hair removal on the face takes 8 sessions, 6 weeks apart and costs around $1000 a session, and feels like having liquid napalm injected under your skin and leaves your face raw for a week afterwards. I am half way through and so have to apply foundation, powder, concealer and whatever else I can to shade, and hide the tell tale patches of bristle that still remain and will do for another 4 or 5 months and this is only one of many such hidden, expensive, painful and slow activities required to even get halfway to feeling comfortable with my gender presentation.

The evidence increasingly shows, if you scan the brain of the average transwoman (before or after transition makes no difference) our brain structures and chemistry is more like a cis-woman than a man. We are literally women born into the wrong bodies.

I want to keep the pressure up, I want us as a group to be taken seriously. I want the barriers to break down. I care that every person, regardless of their individual obstacles in life, has the space and respect required to become the best they can be, the happiest they can be and to feel comfortable walking in the sunlight in their own skin.

Is that too much to expect of humanity?

The journey of transpeople is long, challenging, filled with many factors far too complex to explain here. We have already had to confront many things most people know nothing about before we then have to expose ourselves to the judgement of the world around us every minute of every day anytime we are seen by other people.

I love those who are supportive, I love those who reach out to try and make me feel good or pay a compliment, but what I love the most is to be seen and accepted just as another person, like any other, without having to face random acts of abuse or feel like I have to perform as a celebrity to those who want to share a part of who I am. However, anytime someone wants to make it known to me that they support me, I will force myself to smile and hug them and show them a little warmth because I want them to feel good about having met a real transwoman in the wild.

So, my friends, my colleagues and the public at large, all I would ask is that when you meet a transperson, or any gender non-conforming person, just focus on the word person, rather than any label. Just speak to us like the humans we are. It's all we need, and really it's what we should get.

Thank you for reading this.