My journey of becoming a Trans Ally

This week is Transgender awareness week (November 13-19) and I take this opportunity to share my journey of becoming a trans ally and an activist, with a hope that I can inspire more of you to also become an ally for transgenders.

Watch this video to understand more about Gender and Sexuality. Transgender people are most marginalized yet visible to many and most misunderstood yet misrepresented among the LGBTQIA+ community. Here are some data points to convince you of the above statement:

• 2011 India Population census data reveals 500,000 of them and I’m sure the number is much higher today.
• 50-60% never attended schools and those who did face(d) severe discrimination.
• 92% of them deprived of the right to participate in any form of economic activity and 96% are denied jobs and forced to take low paying or undignified work for a livelihood.
• 236 Trans person victims of crimes were recorded in India in 2020 – a lot of crimes (hate, rape, murder) and violence against them go unrecorded and unreported due to apathy, indifference, lack of recognition in a binary society and access to justice.

 Now coming back to my journey as a trans ally; Friendships are hard to come, and it becomes more difficult to maintain when there is a physical distance. Further on, it becomes complex when involving gender and pronouns’ changes.

 Chennai, June 2012: I walked the 3rd pride march with my friends in my hometown, right before departing for a long-term assignment in Paris. While my friend Deepak gave me hints about his pride look, I wasn’t prepared to see him in a saree (a long, draped material worn conventionally by women). He was draped in a gorgeous saree that bore the National bird of India (Peacock) in the pallu and was meticulous with his makeup, nails, hair wig, footwear, etc. turning the pride walk into his personal fashion ramp. He exuded confidence, courage and elegance than usual and I probably looked paler, impoverished and ignorant next to him than usual. A decade later, I still remember taking pictures under the multicolor pride flag, holding hands and waving at strangers, onlookers, media and paparazzi.

It was hard to say goodbye to Deepak and others after the march and we ended up in a coffee shop for hours afterwards.

We started to call Deepak “Peacock” because he looked stunning and more beautiful than the real one but had no idea that this was just a curtain raiser to more transformation at Deepak’s end.

Peacock vanishes

I moved to Paris at the end of the month, but I did my best to keep in touch with my friends despite distance and time difference. We spoke often and I shared my experiences on my blogs, captured pictures of the community and ensured we keep the friendship intact. Soon life started to get busier, our calls became more sporadic and eventually stopped. While I had no idea what was happening at Deepak’s end, I assumed the Peacock busy like me and doing okay.

Transform into a Peahen

While still in Paris, I again tried reaching out to old friends, calling Deepak on his phone but he had changed his number. I asked for his address and our friends told me that he moved out of his parents' as they had a fall out. When I asked about his workplace, they said his employment was terminated. I felt confused, helpless and lost.

Two years went by and finally I heard from a friend that Deepak underwent gender reassignment surgery. Furthermore, I cringed upon hearing about the harrowing time he had after the surgery. They told me it wasn’t a pleasant experience for him and how they retrieved him from the jaws of death.

“But why would Deepak do this to himself?” I was muddled, in denial and angry. Why would someone transition? Did he even think of the repercussions?

While I could always catch glimpses of his feminine side, I never realized his gender identity. Why didn’t he ever give us a hint about who he identifies himself as or his plans for gender affirmation surgery?

Somehow, I managed to track down his number and exchanged a few texts with him. He revealed nothing about his life, where he lived, what he did for a living and I was careful not to pry or give advice (something that comes as second nature to us Indians), rather told him how much I missed him.

I also informed him about my plans to visit Chennai and expressed my wish to meet him in person. When I asked him if I can bring him something from Paris, but he didn’t take me up on my offer. Soon after I landed in Chennai, I texted him to confirm our date and time of meeting and he responded after a week.

Coming a full circle

He confirmed we would meet me at the same spot where we last met 3 years ago during the pride month – at Besant Nagar Beach. I asked him if I should pick up him, but he said he would be there on his own. I sat on the beach thinking what he would look like this time around and I nervously scanned every auto that pulled by the sidewalk but didn’t see him in any of them.

Is he really going to show up or was he playing a prank on me? I texted him and he said he was having trouble getting a transportation and will soon be there. With curiosity and questions in my mind, I was filled with nervousness too and became conscious of what public would think when they saw me with a transgender person.

 After a ninety-minute delay, ‘he’ arrived in an auto. The charm, confidence and suave he exuded the last time we’d seen each other seemed to have vanished and I too was nervous and consciously looked around to see how people reacted to our hugging and holding hands. I didn’t want us to stay in the open for long and asked him to get into my car and we drove to a nearby restaurant for dinner.

Not foot in my mouth

I was scared when I saw the restaurant staff roll their eyes upon seeing Deepika and shocked when they ignored her by not giving the menu card. Such behavior infuriated me, making me summon the manager to show respect and alerting that Deepika would be paying the bill and not me. The manager realized this matter to be sensitive and decided to wait on our table personally. Now we had more eyes than before peering at us with judgement and prejudice.

Nevertheless, I tried as much as possible for me to make the night pleasant and memorable for Deepika and for our ‘reunion’. We spoke of my Paris days (nothing as fancy as Emily in Paris) and I let her share whatever she wanted to and refrained from asking any questions. That was the first time I kept putting more food in my mouth so that I don’t put my foot in my mouth.

The only privacy we had away from prejudiced eyes, was when I drove her home in my car. During the ride she narrated how her life became so difficult and painful starting from since her parents and siblings disowning her, employer terminating her to facing disrespect and harassment from public every day. I kept shedding tears throughout the journey and she kept asking me to stop getting so emotional.

Finally, I dropped her in the neighborhood as she didn’t want me to know where she lived lest it invites us more trouble and attention. Once again, it was so hard to say another goodbye to Deepika.

Transformation is tough

While Deepak transitioned to Deepika 18 months ago, I needed more time to make that mental and verbal (vocabulary) transformation. I struggled with my thoughts and words and failed miserably with my friend’s new name and right pronouns. It was an awkward night for me as I pleaded for forgiveness many times after deadnaming and using the wrong pronouns.

I slowly began the transition by changing the contact name on my mobile phone. With this first step, I could see my denial coming to an end as I started to accept the reality by grieving. Deepak was no more in my life and all the old memories had to be erased. Sadly, I had little view of my new friend Deepika, where she lived, and I felt helpless and useless.

That was the first and the last time I met Deepika and I later heard from our friends that she was married to a man. She didn’t want to stay in touch with her male friends and parts of her older life, as she didn’t want to invite trouble into her married life.

 Friendships happen for a reason and more often than not leave an indelible mark. I didn’t realize Deepak’s friendship and transformation will end up transforming me and make me a better human. Her becoming herself evolved my being and she is one of the primary reasons why I’m a Trans Ally/activist working for their inclusion, equality, upliftment, happiness, dignity and rights.

Not just straight people, every alphabet in the LGTQIA+ spectrum must be an ally for each other. So, let’s all go beyond liking/commenting on this post and transform our connection into a friendship and turn the friendship into something meaningful for the society.

November 20 is Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR) observed in memory of the trans lives lost due to self-harm, suicide, and other crimes committed by people and the society against them.

Let’s become friends and supporters of Transgender people and take a pledge to work collectively for their equality and inclusion. If you need help connecting with them and kick starting the trans inclusion journey in your organization, don’t hesitate to reach out to me. 

November 27 is Bengaluru Pride and I wish to see you all at the march, standing together for the inclusion, diversity, and equity of all.