Declaring Independence From “Should”

Dear Readers,

Hoping you enjoyed some time to rest, reconnect, and recharge over the past week, even for a few hours.

In our city we have an annual event held each year on the 4th of July called World One. It’s a lovely, all-ages festival with live music from all over the world, food + drinks, and booths filled with local crafts and community groups. Its focus is on celebrating rich multiculturalism, and the event leaders offer us to imagine living in a state of mutually supportive “interdependence” as we celebrate Independence Day. 

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Here's a question for you. 

What’s your relationship with the word “should”?

For years mine was fraught. To be honest it still is sometimes. I was raised Catholic, and being a good and service-oriented child was expected. These qualities are great, to a certain point. After that, they become obstacles to knowing and caring for ourselves, as we become so habituated to putting the demands of others and society first that we lose touch with our own inner compass. 

Sure, there are some basic things we “should” do to build a healthy foundation: make time and space for adequate sleep, exercise, and nourishing food, tend to our mental and emotional wellbeing, support our loved ones to the best of our ability, stay off the hard drugs…

But what about the countless other “shoulds” that we’ve absorbed over the years from culture, family, friends? The things that often dictate our choices and actions, even if they are not actually related to our wellbeing or that of our loved ones or even our communities? 

Here are a few you might be familiar with, particularly if you are a woman. 

What about those? And so many like them? 

The ones that keep you “in your place”, that keep you small and quiet, that urge you to put yourself last on your to-do list, that keep you from making waves, and that often lead you to betray yourself in the interest of complying, serving, or achieving that elusive (and ultimately imprisoning) state of dependence on external approval. 

Well, on this Independence Week, I invite you to declare your independence from the word SHOULD.

Here’s how:

1. Notice when you think or say this word to yourself. 
2. When it happens, pause and ask yourself some questions to see how you really feel about it: is this true? who says? is it essential? is it healthy and safe for you?
3. Once you’ve asked those questions to weed out the stuff that merits a hard and fast rejection, ask these questions of the ones remaining: do I want to do this? what might I prefer instead? what feels right? what might happen if I choose differently? what choice leads me closer to a life spent on what matters most to me? 
4. So, if you were in charge of your own choices (which you are!), which would you most want to pursue? What matters most to you right now? What will you look back on in 1, 3, 5 years and be happy that you spent time and energy on today? What do you choose to do? This simple reframe restores our agency and puts us back in the power seat of our own lives. 
5. Now here comes the hard part. Release your attachment to the unhealthy “shoulds”. They are merciless and if you allow them, they will bludgeon you into submission. Old thought patterns and mindsets die hard and require gentle (repeated) practice to rewire your brain. Accept that regardless of your choices, it’s impossible to satisfy everyone. Value yourself, your worth, your health, your choices, and your inner compass. These will guide you toward building a life in alignment with what matters most, one choice and moment at a time.

Want to share a “should” you are releasing? I’d love to hear about it. You got this!

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Hi! I'm Cara, a Career Strategist and Empowerment Coach helping high impact women leaders step into their power & go from burned out to lit up in their lives and careers ✨ 

I'm also writing the playbook on recovering from burnout, to be released in 2024. 

Hit + to follow for more posts on burnout recovery, life/work balance, wellbeing, and stepping into your power. DMs welcome. Looking forward to connecting, sharing learnings, and supporting your journey.