The Difference Between Fitting In And Belonging

Our relationships, and the people we associate, with are among the most important and influential aspects of our life. Wired into our DNA is a need to be in community because evolutionarily it offered humankind safety. In today’s world, that urge is still very much alive. But since the stakes aren’t as high, it is being expressed in a different way.

This is where I want to outline the difference between ‘fitting in’ and ‘belonging’. To ‘fit in’ is to be like everyone else. Your look, interests, preferences, and mannerisms aren’t that different from what other people got going on. You blend in with the crowd. But the problem is that you still feel separate, just one of many who isn’t drawing attention to themselves. To ‘fit in’ feels safe, but it’s also lonely.

To belong is to be part of the shared experience if the crowd. You don’t feel lost or looked over in a sea of people, and instead feel safe to express yourself freely. When you belong you don’t need to ‘fit in’ because your uniqueness is accepted. And while you naturally share interests and values with the other people in your group, you have the freedom to be different.

When we seek community in our lives, we naturally try to ‘fit in’. It’s the hardwired setting that we’re pulled toward because it keeps us safe and alive. But we don’t want to just be alive… We want to live! And it takes effort and courage to be above what’s expected of you and express yourself vulnerably and fully!

In the book “Belong”, Radha Agrawal talks a lot about how building community is an intentional process, and that the only way you find your tribe is by taking action and showing up. As simple as it is, a good litmus test is to ask yourself if the people around you make you feel good about yourself when you’re with them.

My favorite quote as a kid is relevant here. It’s from Dr. Seuss and it goes “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

Will some people disagree with, be resistant to, and not vibe well with the fullest expression of you? Of course. But they aren't your people. Find those who embrace it and love you for it.