Do you numb?

It’s the end of the workday, you finish your last task, breathe a blissful sigh of relief, and get 30 seconds of peace before the negative thoughts start to creep back in. 

Instead of sitting in an uncomfortable moment, you do everything in your power to numb yourself. You pull out your phone or turn on the TV, you make a cocktail or engage in some retail therapy…you look for anything you can grasp onto to ease some of the pain.

Not wanting to feel discomfort is completely normal. Last week, I had a tough call with Evan where he yelled and hung up on me. I was sad, hurt, and frustrated, and all I wanted was to not feel icky. So I numbed. I ate too much pizza, had a couple of cocktails, and buried my head in my pillow and fell asleep. Only the next morning when I woke up, not only did I still feel icky, but I also felt shame for how I dealt with my uncomfortable emotions - because I didn’t deal with them.

Why numbing yourself can be harmful

How do you numb? Whether it’s numbing with your phone, pizza, or the pub, it seems we’re all struggling with the desire to find relief from life’s troubles. 

The amount of time we spend on our phones is skyrocketing. Obesity in America is at an all-time high. Alcohol consumption has soared in the last several years.

This desire to constantly numb ourselves from the uncomfortable can interfere with our mental well-being, stop us from focusing on other areas of our lives, and hinder self-growth. It makes us isolate ourselves — from all the bad, but also all the good. Emotions are not selective. When you numb one emotion, you numb them all. 

Sure, we all want to press the “off” button sometimes. But constantly seeking to numb, escape, or avoid the uncomfortable is a form of emotional suppression, not emotional regulation. It is a coping strategy, not a solution to our problems. It is the opposite of mindfulness.

In an attempt to escape, we unintentionally magnify what we don’t want to feel in the first place and add an extra helping of shame to go along with it. We increase the intensity and the duration of our discomfort.

When you want to numb, what can you do instead?

The next time you want to run away or drown your sorrows, here are a few things you can do:

1. Sit in the suck. Instead of doing something that pulls you away, try to do something that puts you in the present moment. Sit with your uncomfortable thoughts and recognize that even though you may feel uncomfortable, you are safe. Remember: Your feelings and thoughts are not facts; they are simply information. Recognize the sensations you feel in your body, take a few deep breaths, and know that this is not permanent.

1. Find a replacement. What can you do instead? Instead of numbing and trying to escape, what is something pleasurable that keeps you in the present moment? Like taking a walk and noticing the sights and sounds around you, or journaling to help make sense of your thoughts. This looks different for everyone, and it can be helpful to write down a list of mindful activities that make you feel good but are also good for you that you can turn to in moments of discomfort.

1. Focus on what’s right. When you are struggling, your brain’s negativity bias is in overdrive, making you more likely to focus on everything that’s wrong. Offset this by making a list of what’s right. Get as specific as possible. For example, if you have running water, you are doing better than a large portion of the world. You can flush your toilet, drink clean water, and keep your plants alive. 

1. Challenge your beliefs. Is it really as bad as you think it is? Is it possible that things may improve in the future? How can you reframe your thoughts and the story you are telling yourself to make it better serve you? A few of my favorites are, “It is what it is” or “I’ll figure it out”. 

1. Seek support. Reach out to a friend, loved one, therapist, or even a pet. One of the hardest parts of negative emotions is feeling like we are dealing with them alone. 

1. Practice radical self-care. Other than destructive behaviors, what is something kind you can do for yourself? This doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, but the more you can do to treat yourself with kindness and compassion, the better you will feel. 

Moving forward

Instead of drowning my sorrows, I wish I would have practiced the strategies above. Here’s what it could have looked like:

Acknowledge the emotion: “Anne, anyone would feel sad right now. It’s okay to feel sad.”

Be mindful, noticing that my heart and chest literally felt heavy, I was clenching my teeth, and I was holding my breath. 

Then, I could have focused on all of the things that are right, taken a walk, taked with my husband, hugged a donkey, and played with my dogs.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to escape discomfort. Getting lost in a good book, watching funny videos, or taking a nap can be healthy coping behaviors. But when you use unhealthy coping strategies and try not to feel what you’re feeling, you unintentionally create more of what you are trying to avoid.

Numbing turns negative when it becomes something we do each and every time we have to face something uncomfortable, sucking our time and energy away from things that keep us in the present moment — things that help us see the joy and beauty in life.

How do you numb, and what can you do instead?