DON’T PLACE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR HAPPINESS ON YOUR CHILDREN DURING THE HOLIDAYS

Especially this time of year, as the holidays approach, one of the things I often

observe of parents going through separation or divorce is the parent imposing

their sad emotions on their children, thus making the child responsible for the

parent’s happiness. Parents will often say things to the children when they speak

with them on or around the holiday such as, “I am really sad being without you

this Christmas”, or, “I really miss you and wish you were here”, as the parent

starts to cry. This will often cause children to feel sorry for the parent and it is not

an appropriate thing for parents to do as it is unfairly placing responsibility for

their happiness on their children.

It is understandable that parents are indeed sad that the children are not there, if

this is their Christmas to be without their children. But exposing your children to

that emotion and placing responsibility for your happiness on your children is not

fair to them. Those types of statements should never be made, and while it is

acceptable to show a little bit of your genuine emotion, a little bit goes a long

way. When a parent breaks down and sobs to their children, it is overwhelming

to the children and places them in an uncomfortable position, often causing them

to feel responsible for your unhappiness.

So what should you say if you talk with your children on a holiday when you don’t

have them? There’s nothing wrong with a quick, “wish we were together”, but it’s

important that it be followed up with something along the lines of, “but I know

you’re having a great time with your (mom/dad)”, or, “but your (mom/dad) wants

to spend this time with you, too”, or, “but we’ll be together again soon”, and then

quickly move on to asking them about their day. Ask them what they’re doing,

without prying too much, of course, what they got for Christmas, what they’ve

been playing with the most, because you know they got new toys or games as a

gift, and let them share about the fun they are having. Most importantly, be

excited for them! After all, all kids love Christmas and you don’t want to be a

downer on this day. Be the one who they know they can share anything with and

you are going to respond with excitement and positivity. That is the best

Christmas gift you can give your children, and the response you’ll receive from

them is the best gift you will receive as well.