Family Holiday Dysfunction of Absence vs. Dysfunction of Presence

Step outside of the happy holiday cheer for a moment and we can investigate some realities that many families face during the holidays…even if yours is peachy keen. Understanding what is happening in other households can help us build appreciation, gratitude and empathy at the least. When talking to a friend of mine (or maybe a family member, ya never know) I got to thinking about a different way to articulate the potential negativity that some experience during the holiday. When all is said in done, dysfunction either way isn’t good and it is our job to course correct. But which is worse? Not sure, what do you think?

“Dysfunction of Absence” – Some of us come from families that are lacking members due to generational, decades long family in-fighting, silent treatments, divorce, travel distance, avoidance, life-long disconnection, lack of care, death, abandonment and others. Simply stated, there is an absence and a void…not always felt as a negative emotion, yet noteworthy on the journey, most people wish they had more LOVING family around.

“Dysfunction of Presence” has to do with the negative behaviors and communication that can happen when a group (family) gets together and: bothers each other, fights, relives old wounds, talks about subjects that lead to conflict, ignores, all time is digital focused, maybe…doesn’t really even want to be there because they feel like they are re-living their near or distant past (like they were in the under 18 household all over again.)

So, the question really is Which is better? Which is worse? Clearly, neither are ideal and both don’t feel great. Which one is worse is determined by you and your experience. While my holidays are often shared with fewer people, I have far less drama, conflict and negativity then I hear about in other houses. As someone once said, would you rather be lonely or annoyed?

Hopefully you are on the path and realize that whatever life experiences have set you up for where you are now, the best way forward is…keep it moving forward with introspection, empathy, self-love, gratitude, reflection and the desire to self-heal from whatever past, present or future holiday.

Much love and all my best,

Dave