Don't treat others how you want to be treated!

Why do some of your managers or staff seem to ask you lots of questions and seek your feedback even when you know that they know the answer? And why is it that other members of your team seem to resent you telling them anything, feel patronised when you give them a pat on the back and seem impervious to feedback?

It’s very easy to fall into the trap of ‘treating people as you want to be treated’ because we had it drummed into us throughout our lives. On one level it makes sense, but it is interesting to note that the original context of this message is about not causing physical, mental or emotional harm. No one should do that.

However, when it comes to communication, the latest thinking from applied psychology and neuroscience is to treat everyone according to their motivational patterns and preferences. There is no one who is exactly like you. We all have our own unique experience of life that gives us our particular set of idiosyncrasies and our own particular motivational preferences. If our motivational preferences are not met we feel it at the deepest levels and it can have a dramatic impact on our performance and sense of fulfilment.

The trouble with these motivational preferences is that they operate at a below-conscious level.

One of our clients Annie (not her real name) was confused by the fact that Jack (not his real name), always wanted to check with her even though he was one of the more competent members of the team! In fact, Jack’s performance was beginning to suffer and it was becoming rather frustrating. On the other hand, another member of Annie's team (let’s call her Jill) was frequently marching off in the wrong direction certain that she was on the right track and needed to be constantly reined in.

Jack enjoys bouncing ideas around and values input before making a decision. He is motivated by the opportunity to involve others. He will be open to ideas and suggestions because he feels that two minds are better than one. However, his approach comes with some doubt about whether his ideas or plans are the best ones. He remains somewhat uncertain of his own competence and likes to check with others. He also needs plenty of feedback in order to stay motivated. Without it, he feels undervalued and unappreciated.

Jill is pretty certain that her ideas are the best ones. She evaluates the situation and makes a decision based on her own values and experience. This can be very productive when it is combined with high levels of competence but can cause problems if the situation requires openness to feedback and making adjustments. It can become a significant problem when Jill simply does not respond to the feedback she is given!

Listen and Observe

After uncovering the underlying motivational pattern by simply observing their behaviour and listening to the way they speak, Annie was able to transform this situation. By treating them both as unique individuals and managing them in ways that dovetailed neatly with their below-conscious motivational patterns she removed her frustration and now has two highly motivated people fulfilling their potential.

Below conscious motivational patterns

In the terminology of the Language and Behaviour Profile, the source of Jack's motivation is 'External'. He is motivated by external feedback and he knows she is doing a good job on the basis of that feedback. Without regular feedback, Jack will wilt like a flower deprived of water. In order to address this pattern of motivation Annie gave Jack very specific opportunities to gain feedback i.e. setting a time of day to ‘have a brief chat’ (the emphasis was on ‘brief’ in order to manage Annie's precious time!). She also made a point of giving him lots of informal feedback in the form of comments, emails and even texts when she was out and about. Not all of the feedback was positive but it was always constructive. Annie noticed that over a period of about three months this approach gave Jack a significant boost and he became far more cheerful and confident in his attitude to his work. He still likes the feedback ‘chats’ and these are now part of the way Annie manages him.

Food for thought:

• Are you identifying which members of your team need plenty of feedback to stay motivated?
• How can you create simple opportunities to satisfy that need?

Sometimes it is the simplest solutions that can provide the best results!

When feedback is ignored

Some people seem impervious to feedback. They are not being difficult, they just have a different frame of reference. Jill had a very different attitude than Jack to feedback; she felt it was patronising. She had a lot of strong opinions and was always very sure that her way was best and that she knew better. She also 'just knew' when she was doing a good job or not, so didn't need to be told. This was becoming a problem for Annie because she was not heeding the guidance given and was always shifting the reason for her inconsistent performance to other people or other circumstances.

It was interesting to notice how this was frustrating Annie and how their relationship was suffering; things were becoming personal.

As before with Jack, Annie was able to diffuse the situation because she was coached to to notice that the source of Jill's motivation was 'Internal'. Jill had her own internal frame of reference and would rely on her own internal set of standards more than the standards of others. Jill had very high levels of certainty that her ideas and opinions were the best ones because she evaluated a situation and made decisions based on her own values, feelings and experience.

This can be very productive when it is combined with high levels of competence but can cause problems if the situation requires an openness to feedback and making adjustments. It was becoming a significant problem for his manager when Jill was not responding to the feedback she was being given.

An interesting approach

After recognising that this was simply her brain at work creating a motivation pattern and not her 'personality', Annie was able to match the way she spoke to Jill so she could listen to her ideas in a meaningful way. What Annie did was use the language of suggestion; inviting Jill to consider, and process for herself, how the results that others were getting were because of the way they adjusted to their client’s needs and took feedback on board as an opportunity to become even more successful. Annie needed to let Jill see it for herself by encouraging her to make up her own mind that adjusting her behaviour would enable her to get more of what she wanted. Another key thing Annie did was to link the need for Jill to change with what was most important for her – which happened to be earning a regular bonus because she had recently taken out a mortgage.

The interesting thing about Annie’s approach was that she did not just ‘Tell Jill what to do’ because this approach was making her defensive and full of reasons why things were not working that had nothing to do with her (from her perspective!).

By first linking the required change in behaviour to what was of utmost importance to her, and then making suggestions for her to consider (because only she would know what was right for her), Annie was able to shift Jill's behaviour. Jill simply decided for herself that she wanted to adjust because it was going to make her more successful. This success was linked to her paying her mortgage and she was able to make a strong internal link for herself.

Food for thought:

• Do you have any internally referenced managers or people in your team?
• How can you link the behaviours you want to see to their most important personal values or goals?
• How can you use the language of suggestions to help them decide for themselves to take the required action?

Identifying motivational patterns

We need to be very mindful of our own preferences and avoid thinking that everyone else wants to be treated in the same way as we do. By listening to the language people use and observing their behaviour, it is possible to identify a number of motivational patterns and how they can be addressed. We all have our own preferences and if the way we communicate is using a different pattern from the people we are speaking with, no matter what we say, we won’t motivate or influence them.

If you would like a cost-effective shortcut to find out what really motivates your people, consider doing a Harrison Work Preferences Questionnaire with them. This will provide priceless information about how important feedback is and whether they are fulfilled or not. You will also get detailed information about 7 other key expectations (outlined in this 150 Second video).

I am always interested to hear your thoughts and opinions about any of the above so please drop me a line at David@talent4performance.co.uk

Remember, when it comes to giving feedback . . . Stay Curious!

With best regards, David Klaasen

www.talent4performance.co.uk

Updated December 2022