Don’t try to believe you are good enough

There seems to be a pervasive “I am not good enough” syndrome.

And it isn’t reserved only for the low-ranking, the unsuccessful, the dropouts, the demoted, the laid off.

Conventionally successful people are not immune to this ailment, either: the highly educated, the revered experts, the business owners, the newly promoted, the champions, the company leaders - all have a tendency to suffer from a deep suspicion of not being good enough.

With my coaching clients, I notice this belief in two forms:

1. They either believe they are not good enough for their dreams (“Who am I to deserve such happiness?”) 

1. Or, they have an imposter syndrome (“I got here by pure luck and sooner or later everyone will realize I don’t deserve this success.”)

In the first case, they miss opportunities and don’t realize their ambitions or their true calling. They play small.

In the second case, they live in fear of exposure of their incompetence and consequently, the loss of other’s respect. They do play big, but don’t feel big enough for what they’ve got.

What evidence do you need?

I too have battled this feeling my whole life.

I’ve always had a nagging suspicion that I just got lucky with every result I achieved. 

And I rarely dared to dream big because I thought great things were only reserved for great people, not those like me.

And so I know that if you feel like you’re not good enough, and someone tries to convince you otherwise, that’s not going to be enough. You need to really believe it. 

So what we usually do, and what I’ve always done, is this: look for the evidence. The ultimate proof that we are, in fact, good enough. We usually look for it externally: in our life and career achievements. 

That seems reasonable because...

we’ve been brought up to associate our worth with our performance. The better we perform, and the more we accomplish, the more we’re worth.

However, for me, no amount of evidence would suffice. 

Despite all my diplomas, degrees, praise or promotions, I would still have that worm of doubt crawling through my mind every time I wanted something out of my usual zone of reach, whispering: you’re not good enough…you’re not good…you’re not enough.

The problem is that this isn't the type of negative self-talk one can simply dismantle with facts.

If it were, the ‘not good enough’ narrative would be restricted to areas for which we have no skills or experience. And it would change over time as we accumulate the needed skills and experience. In other words, it would be a question of competence. 

But if this narrative is a pervasive, overarching theme in your life, then it is more likely a question of something else: fundamental self-worth.

And while doubts of self-competence stand a good chance of being resolved by success, the belief in personal worthlessness is so deeply entangled in your identity, like a Gordian knot, that you cannot untwist it by simply pulling at loose ends. 

So how do you untangle a Gordian knot?

You don’t. You cut it.

Cut the Gordian knot

In my own life, I wanted to believe I was worthy so badly that it felt like trying to make myself believe in Santa. But how do you make yourself believe in something you so deeply suspect?

You just can’t. The desire to believe (or any desire) doesn’t obey a command. 

Here is something I realized:

I have been asking myself the wrong question all along.

“Am I good enough?” is intended to be answered with a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ depending on what the truth is. But in reality, there is no objective answer.

And if there is no objective answer, there is no truth to discover. And if there is no truth to discover, there is no point in searching for it or trying to believe in it.

To cut this Gordian knot, I realized I had to change my whole approach.

Instead of believing I was good enough, I needed to decide it. Day in, day out, in every action I take, in small and big ways. I decided to act as if I were good enough for whatever I desired. I made a commitment to myself to make choices with this intention in mind, regardless of how I felt.

This may sound like self-deception 101. How do you decide you are good enough? And how is that even different from believing it?

Try to think about it this way: how many times have you decided you were not good enough? 

• That time when you decided not to apply for a job because you doubted you were qualified since you didn’t meet 3 out of 14 criteria (“Who am I to think I could do this? That would be arrogant.”)
• That time when you decided not to ask for a raise because you felt you didn’t deserve it (“Who am I to ask for things? That would be selfish.”)
• That time when you decided not to mention or take credit for your success because you were too embarrassed to be a star (“Who am I to brag or be admired? That would be conceited.”)

And this is only one side of the not-good-enough syndrome: the shy, humble and self-denying.

There is another side to it as well, not as meek and subordinate:

• That time when you micromanaged your team out of fear that you would look incompetent if they made a mistake

• That time when you reacted defensively in a disagreement out of fear your authority would be brought into question
• That time when you neglected your well-being and your relationships as you were chasing your career goals out of a compulsive drive to excel and therefore be admired

All of those actions were reflections of decisions made by you, even if at the time they felt like an automatic response.

Every time you act like a person who does not think they are good enough, in that instant, you decide that you are not.

After those decisions, of course, comes the evidence:

The job, the promotion, and the praise that you deserved, but never got are the evidence of your not-good-enoughness (it’s a word). And so is the uncreative, underperforming team, lack of honest communication and trust, or alienation from your close ones.

As a result, that evidence only reinforces your belief that you’re not good enough, along with the likelihood of acting accordingly in the future.

It’s a vicious cycle.

How would you behave if you believed you were good enough?

The good news is that you can revisit that decision and break free from the cycle. 

When I revisited my decision that I wasn’t good enough, here is what happened:

• I decided to go for a job I had doubts I could excel at and negotiated my salary like a pro (not like me at all)
• I took on a challenging project I’ve never done before, that would affect the whole company - and completed it all on my own (not like me, either)
• I decided to completely change the course of my secure corporate career which was on a steep upward trajectory to pursue my dream of coaching (so not like me, it felt earth-shattering!)

While doing all this, I skipped the whole belief part. I was not going to wait until I felt like I was good enough. I was not going to wait until I finally believed it. For once, my impatience paid off.

I suggest you try the same.

Because by aiming to believe you’re good enough, you end up relying too much on the evidence - the external validation in the form of praise, promotion or accolades. Those usually evoke feelings of joy, pride, and confidence, but such moments are fleeting. And you find yourself stuck on a hamster wheel of constantly chasing achievements to convince yourself and others of your worthiness.

Instead, I suggest this:

Define how you would behave if you really believed that you were good enough - and then act like it.

One decision after another, one act after another, and the belief might eventually emerge.

At first, it might feel awkward, as if you’re faking it. And “fake it till you make it” mantra has a kind of a bad reputation. No wonder it does, as we live in an era of authenticity: it’s an imperative that we need to present ourselves as we truly are, in contrast to an overwhelming amount of fakeness that surrounds us.

But this approach doesn’t require you to project an aura of bloated confidence. This is not a question of appearance. It simply invites you to stop acting in alignment with how your small insecure self feels, that is - out of fear. And instead, to act in alignment with what serves you the most. It invites you to choose your actions intentionally to align them with your aspirations in life.

And how does a person who knows they are inherently good enough act?

Here are some of the ways, and here I'd like to invite you to think of some more:

• They apply for a job they want even if they don’t meet all the criteria because they know they’ve got a lot of value to offer, and all else can be learned.
• They ask for a raise because they know they are worthy of being rewarded for their contributions.
• They take pride in their work and success and don't shy away from praise
• They trust their team to do their best and offer support and guidance on the way.
• They accept disagreement because they know it will help them get a better understanding of the situation.
• They permit themselves to take a break; they don’t need to constantly over-deliver to feel like they didn’t disappoint.

Create your own reality

In a nutshell, a good enough person does not tie their self-worth with their performance. Deep down, independently of their successes and failures, they know they are worthy of good things. But more than anything, they act in self-affirming ways.

If you take self-affirming action only when you feel and believe you are good enough, you probably miss good opportunities. And you also probably lose faith in yourself when faced with a setback, needing a new boost of evidence to get you back on track. 

On the other hand, when you stop waiting to feel good enough in order to act like it, you take charge of your life, and you pave the road to the outcomes that you desire the most. And you don’t have to worry about what the real truth is.

You create your own reality. 

—

I am Anita, ICF-accredited Career Coach helping people do the work that makes them come alive without the grind.

I am devoted to discovering underlying patterns in people’s mindsets that keep them stuck in jobs and careers that don’t serve them. If you suspect your career choices are based on the ‘not good enough’ story, you might benefit from support in the form of coaching. 

Eager to break free from your Gordian knot? Book your free discovery coaching session with me today!👇        

tidycal.com/anitacavrag/career-coaching