Eleven tips to keep your ego at bay

When I get up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror for the first time, I usually look less ugly than I am (I had an impulse to say "more handsome than I am”, but I preferred to apply a dose of humility to control my inner self). At that moment two very important brain mechanisms become evident: self-awareness and self-esteem.

The ability to recognize one’s self is a function of self-consciousness that only nine animal species possess, including homo sapiens sapiens. Seen in this way there is not much room for the ego when you think you are on the same brain level as a chimpanzee, a bonobo, a bottlenose dolphin, an elephant, a gorilla, an orca, a magpie or an orangutan.

However, self-esteem helps the mirror return a hopeful message: "You really are not as ugly as you think". In my case, I return to the moral of the Disney movie "Beauty and the Beast" to comfort me: "Beauty is inside".

Self-esteem has the same effect as corporate communication: to see the best in everyone. In fact, if we do not suffer from psychological problems, then whenever we look at each other we look a little better than we actually are. A slightly inflated ego is a necessary capacity to face day to day difficulties, because it is rare that you do not find an overexcited ego, a propagator of misfortunes or an envious projection. A deficit of self-esteem can become a problem if it is not stopped in time.

In contrast, that first look at the outer self can wake up the inner self and force the brain to secrete a dose of narcissism. We all know someone who looks in the mirror in the morning and sees himself as George Clooney. Moreover, his crush on himself is such that when he goes out, he believes that people look at him due to his enormous appeal. The pity is that such personalities are expansive, of such (bad) luck that they focus their exploits on the first clueless or excessive courteousness that crosses their path.

For Sigmund Freud, the ego is "the representation of reality and reason". The father of psychoanalysis differentiated between "the id," "the self," and "the superego", psychic instances that must be in balance. A well-balanced person is one who is able to arbitrate between the animal instinct, the social dimension of the person and the moral rules that govern their relationships.

On its positive side, the ego projects dreams, ambitions and goals, while the negative side expresses frustrations and complexes. It is that balance between reality and fantasy that allows us to place ourselves above others or, at least, not let ourselves be crushed by invasive egos. A colleague by profession recently told me that he has come to the conclusion (though he admits that it is "unscientific") that personal relationships are basically driven by the psychological principle of "who is above who".

Since our relationships can be understood as a struggle of egos, the beginning of the management of our image is in the control of our own self. The first capacity we have to develop is how to have our ego caged; the second is how to expand the cage.

At the service of this double objective I have gathered the following tips:

1. Laugh at yourself. Laughing at others is a symptom that your self develops. You have to laugh a lot with others, not at others, and a little at yourself. Humor causes the gaze to purify the tensions caused by the need for recognition. Let the irony play with your ego.

2. Listen more and talk less. You will be wiser the more and the better you listen. Attending to others, listening to their words and their emotions is a fantastic way to limit the space of that inner voice that gives you answers for almost everything.

3. Enter humility into your language. The essential principle of ontological coaching, the main reference of which is Rafael Echeverría, argues that "language creates reality." If you introduce humility in your words you will end up infecting your being. Even pretend humility is less harmful than the absence of modesty.

4. Do not talk about what you were, but what you would like to be. Share dreams, goals and banish the "I was". If you were, you are no longer, which does not imply that your merits are not recognized. Let others attribute the past achievements to you. By sharing your desires, hopes and goals you are giving others the opportunity to contribute to them. Your past is of little interest to others, unless they can learn something from it.

5. Minimize the size of your knowledge. You may be an expert on something, but don't brag about it, show it with your technical skills. Think that when you are part of a large group there will always be someone who knows more than you, whether they really do or not. The desire to learn is an expression of humility and ambition (in the form of personal development) at the same time. Remember that knowledge is a tool, not an end.

6. Look for learning opportunities. If you tell your stories as lessons learned they may interest the audience. And learn from those who learn. Boasting is the sign of a know-it-all who easily skips the curves of knowledge.

7. Embrace your vanity when you put your head on the pillow and have fun when you wake up. It is not a bad practice to reflect on the things you have done well when the day ends. But that vainglory concession must disappear as soon as you wake up. Rewrite your story with the episodes of the new day.

8. Celebrate your moral victories. Congratulate yourself internally on those times in which you acted as you should. Let your ego rest on the effort made to overcome a desire that surrounded the limits of your ethics. Give a platform to the voice of your conscience.

9. Choose your Jiminy Cricket. Ask for feedback from those people whose criteria help you build your person. It is key that you identify mentors and coaches who can advise and accompany you, respectively. Do not be angry when they tell you what you have not done well. Their opinion is a gift.

10. Rejoice in the success of others. Envy is a habitual companion of egocentrism. When you recognize other people for their achievements you are being generous and creating a stimulus that, like a boomerang, will return to you.

11. Recognize your limits. Although the triumphant social discourse whispers that there are no impossiblities, the truth is that there are. The sooner you recognize them the sooner you will reduce the levels of frustration at the impossibilities that manifest in your life. For example, I am a mountaineer, but I have to admit that mountains above 6,000 meters are not within my reach. This recognition hurts because it reminds me of my limitations, including my age, but also reconciles me with reality. I can train to raise my limits, but not to overcome them. When it meets reality, the ego tends to run away.

If you apply these tips when you look in the mirror in the morning you will see a beautiful person, a self in balance. And, most importantly, when you go out on the street, others will recognize you as you are: authentic.

Note: Perhaps the reader wonders why there are eleven tips and not ten, the decalogue being a more round format. The answer is simple: I don't want this article to have the slightest dose of intellectual arrogance and eleven is a less grandiloquent number than ten.