Embrace Conscious Masculinity This Valentine’s Day

What kind of man are you when no one is watching?

With Valentine’s Day around the corner, I’m sure many men are thinking about dinner reservations, roses, and how to make their partners happy. Happy wife, happy life… right? 

While that may be true for some, I think that during this time it’s incredibly important for men to share themselves. Stay with me.

Over the course of my career and life, I have been committed to conscious masculinity. Much of my expansion around my masculinity has been through the training and coaching offered at the Wright Foundation. The world is changing and we are seeing a major shift towards more feminine energy. We’re also seeing the formation of a broader definition of masculinity at large.

Models of Masculinity

Through my personal growth work, I’ve learned that there are two models of masculinity: the old model and the new model.

When thinking of traditional masculinity (the old model), men often felt a need to mask their true identities and feelings. We see it in times of war—soldiers willing to die for a cause or a country. We see it with superheroes—fictional men willing to risk their lives to protect humanity. 

This old model of masculinity has often meant that while men were brave, strong, and courageous, they were also stoic and non-expressive—seeing emotions as signs of weakness and pretending to not have feelings.

This creates limits for men, both socially and interpersonally. This model of masculinity doesn’t work very well in relationships, which require a higher level of social and emotional intelligence.

Beyond that, it’s just not true. I’m not always brave or tough. Sometimes I am hurt or sad. While courage is a major theme of the old model of masculinity, courage is a common theme in the new model as well. Without fear, what would courage mean?

Conscious masculinity (embracing the new model AND the old model) is shaped by experiencing and expressing your emotions, being in relationship with others, living from “both and” rather than “either or”, and working through challenges in relationships. In this model, fighting is good as long as we are both fighting for something. 

Embracing the New Model

Whether you’re a married man or single, the most important step in embracing your masculinity is being able to risk sharing your feelings.

Did your partner or friend do something recently that may have hurt your feelings? Are you reluctant to bring it up? If you answered yes to one or both of these questions, keep reading. 

All feelings are good, and we are always having feelings whether we are aware or not. We’ve been socialized into believing some feelings are better than others. What if it was just aliveness? At the end of the day, feelings are really just data points. They let us know, “Yes! Something amazing just happened,” or “Wait a minute… that didn’t feel good.”

The times that I have been able to share my feelings with my wife and family have brought us the closest and nourished me the most. Being a father to daughters has encouraged me to navigate my feelings—not just for their sake, but for mine.

Feelings present opportunities to grow and transform. Sharing love is common. Sharing fear or hurt is important too. We often want to blame others for these feelings in our life, but as I’m sure you may have experienced, this strategy often repels people. Instead, create a space where you can openly explore your feelings alongside your loved ones in order to learn more about them. The difference here is that no one is right or wrong, or at fault. Everyone is empowered to be in their emotions and grow through them. No matter the feelings, sharing them responsibly will bring people closer together.  

Another way we can embrace conscious masculinity during this time period is by realizing that intercourse isn’t always physical. We are constantly in and out of connection and relationship with our loved ones. While Valentine’s Day may be a “Hallmark holiday,” it highlights the very real need for emotional connection and intimacy. 

Covid has taken much of the planning out of life (which in many ways reinforces the old model of masculinity). Now we are called to put more effort into being in relationship with our loved ones. Can you create spaces within your couple or amongst your friends to truly BE with them? To put the phones down and really take the time to have a conversation with them about meaningful things? This will allow you to learn more about your relationships and how you can explore the connection you have to your partner, your family, and your friends.

Who are you REALLY?

When I think about the kind of man I am when no one is watching, I am reminded that I am a multifaceted man. There are times that I feel small. There are times where I feel threatened and therefore I feel that I have to overcompensate. There are times when I feel broken and unwanted. I can be stoic and reserved. I can also be a beam of light. I can be a gift. I can have an array of emotions. I can be loved and show love to those around me. On the flip side of this, I can also let my emotions overpower me and influence me in negative ways. 

When I remember this, I am reminded that I ultimately have a choice in how I show up every day. And I should use it. When I act with the entire knowledge of who I am by myself, when no one else is watching, I am able to have a better impact on the people in my life and in this world. 

So, this Valentine’s Day, examine and dive into yourself, men, and reimagine your ideas and relationship with masculinity.