The Emperor's Single Mom

“It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.” 

-Ann Landers

Many of you know that I spend A LOT of my time writing about the philosophy of Stoicism and how LEOs can use it to have a positive impact on both their own lives and the community as a whole. I seldom write an article, teach a class, or make a video without mentioning Marcus Aurelius. I take a lot from his writings in Meditations. I am fascinated by how someone with so much power, so much temptation, and such a difficult  life, can be so kind, wise, resilient, and so at peace with the harsh world around him. The study and practice of Stoicism is the obvious first answer, but there is a deeper cause. There is an advantage that Marcus Aurelius had which predates his discovery of Stoicism. That influence, that root cause that set him up to live a happy and productive life was his mom. The world owes a lot to Domitia Lucilla and she is often overlooked as just being the mother of a famous person. She was much more than that:

Domitia Lucilla was from a construction family, and was to married to a politician (Marcus’ Father) After having Marcus and a daughter (Anna Faustina), Lucilla’s husband died leaving her a single mother with two young children. Not the position you want to find yourself in while living in ancient Rome. She could have given up and she could have despaired, instead she persevered and left a legacy that we all still benefit from today. 

How did a single mom pull off this feat in a time when women's rights were nearly nonexistent? How did she raise intelligent and kind children at a time when the world was mostly ignorant and cruel?

She prioritized her children- Like many single mothers Lucilla did what she had to do. In her case it meant moving in with her in-laws. She swallowed her pride and moved young Marcus and Anna, in with the grandparents. Later, when she learned that the environment was unhealthy for young Marcus, she gave up that newfound security opting to go live on her own which is a big ask in any age.

She invested in her children- Lucilla spared no expense obtaining tutors and training for young Marcus. From an early age he had an excellent education, because his mother wanted to set him up for success. She knew that if he was going to have a good life, he would need to be armed with knowledge.

She provided an excellent example- In “Meditations” the chapter titled “Debts and Lessons” Marcus expresses gratitude, explaining what he learned from the most important people in his life. In this one entry we can see that a strong moral code, and abstaining from excess were character traits that she possessed and taught to her children. 

“From my mother, piety and beneficence, and abstinence, not only from evil deeds, but even from evil thoughts; and further, simplicity in my way of living, far removed from the habits of the rich.”  -Marcus Aurelius (Meditations 1.3)

She supported his interest- Young Marcus Aurelius was a weird kid. He became fascinated with philosophers. He started wearing a tattered philosopher's robe instead of the nice clothes that she purchased for him. He started sleeping on the floor like a monk. Instead of forcing him to conform or demanding that he act like his peers, she supported him in his interest. She let him figure things out, and find his own way while providing guidance and boundaries when he took things too far and tested his limits.

She was a loving mother- In Roman society at this time ( year 121-130ish) mothers were not commonly warm and loving. It just wasn't the cultural norm. The relationships between mothers and their children would seem very harsh and cold to us today. Lucilla was the exception. She was described as devoted to her family and having a great love for her children. This loving relationship continued for the remainder of her life, and his letters make it clear that Marcus loved his mom. 

Domitia Lucilla made all the right moves as a mother. She made her children her priority, she invested in education, she set a great example, and most importantly she loved them. She raised good people by being a good person. She taught resilience by being resilient.  In being loved and shown kindness, children learn their own capacity to love others. I think it’s important to recognize that behind this philosophy and this great man that so many admire and benefit from, is the single mom.