The Ethics of Self-Compassionate Leadership
Massimo Backus
Self-compassion is a leadership epiphany. Author of "Human First, Leader Second: How Self-Compassion Outperforms Self-Criticism". Executive coach. Speaker. Husband. Father.
Imagine if leadership were less about pushing and more about pausing. Less about what we sacrifice and more about what we protect. For years, we’ve celebrated leaders who drive hard, critique themselves relentlessly, and prioritize everything and everyone but their own well-being. But here’s the real question: when did self-sacrifice become synonymous with leadership? And more importantly, why have we allowed it to?
You're not alone if you’ve questioned whether relentless self-sacrifice and self-criticism truly serve your team or yourself. This piece explores a leadership philosophy rooted in compassion—for ourselves and for the people we lead.
In Human First, Leader Second, I challenge the outdated belief that self-criticism is the path to greatness. Instead, I argue that true leadership starts with self-compassion—a radical yet ethical choice that reclaims our values of empathy, integrity, and respect. When we lead ourselves with compassion, we set a standard that empowers others to bring their best selves, not their exhausted ones, to the table. This is the work of ethical leadership: aligning our actions with the values we say we believe in, and creating cultures that reflect a deeper commitment to humanity.
“We are already human; we just forget that sometimes. We are humans first, leaders second. To be human is to be imperfect and fallible and still know that we deserve love and respect.” — Human First, Leader Second
Why Self-Compassion is the Ethical Core of Leadership
Traditional leadership myths have long told us that excellence requires self-sacrifice and endless self-critique. Yet, when we examine this belief, we find it fundamentally at odds with the ethical principles we value most—empathy, respect, and care. In Human First, Leader Second, I propose that a compassionate approach to leadership is not only ethically aligned with these values but creates a more effective and sustainable form of leadership.
Self-compassion allows leaders to act with integrity toward themselves, setting a precedent for how others in the organization treat each other. It’s a powerful reminder that ethical leadership begins with the self. When we approach ourselves with kindness, we model a way of being that encourages others to be fully human, fostering an environment where people feel safe to bring their authentic selves to work. This is not about lowering standards but raising the standard of care, creating a culture rooted in our stated values.
A Story of Transformation: How Self-Compassion Changed My Approach
Recently, I was coaching a CEO who was, by all traditional measures, highly successful. But his team was struggling, and he couldn’t understand why. He had built a culture of hard work, constant feedback, and high expectations, but something essential was missing. As we spoke, it became clear that his self-critical nature had set the tone for his entire organization. He was leading with self-sacrifice, and his team felt pressured to do the same, resulting in burnout and disengagement.
Through our coaching, he began to realize that his relentless pursuit of excellence, always pushing for “more, more, more,” had worn him down like a car running on shot tires and burnt brakes. For years, he had been the leader who drove his business forward, high-fiving after each milestone only to demand more from himself and his team. But this “horsepower” he relied on was exacting a toll, leaving him exhausted and his organization’s culture strained.
Starting with the simple act of acknowledging his own humanity, he explored self-compassion and discovered that by showing kindness to himself, he could begin to ease up on the relentless pressure. This shift from self-sacrifice to self-compassion became transformative—not just for him, but for everyone around him. As he began to lead from a place of inner kindness, he noticed a ripple effect in his organization: his team became more engaged, resilient, and trusting. No longer running on empty, he found that self-compassion didn’t slow him down; it refueled his leadership, making his drive sustainable, his culture stronger, and his team truly energized.
“Leaders who embrace their humanity with self-compassion are showing up with their armor off…They allow themselves to be fully human, giving permission to everyone around them to do the same.” — Human First, Leader Second
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Dispelling the Myths: Leadership Beyond Self-Sacrifice
The myth that true leaders must give everything of themselves, leaving little behind for their own well-being, has pervaded leadership culture for far too long. This belief runs counter to the very values we champion: empathy, respect, and integrity. Leadership steeped in self-sacrifice may achieve results in the short term, but it rarely fosters a culture that people want to be a part of long term. When we lead from a place of self-compassion, we show that caring for ourselves is not selfish—it is ethical.
That’s why I’ve become such a vocal advocate for a paradigm shift: one where leaders prioritize self-respect, not self-critique, and where a leader’s humanity is an asset, not a liability. This approach calls us to lead not just with skill but with our whole selves, creating a culture that reflects our deepest values.
A Practical Exercise for Building Self-Compassion
Self-compassion isn’t just a philosophy; it’s a practice. If you’re looking to integrate this approach into your own leadership, try this simple daily “3 A’s” check-in :
This exercise builds awareness and reinforces a compassionate mindset, helping leaders practice an ethical alignment with their values daily.
The transformation I experienced in my own journey was profound. As I replaced self-criticism with compassion, I noticed a newfound resilience and openness. It was as if a weight had lifted, freeing me to be present and connected in my work and with my team. In Human First, Leader Second, I write about this shift because it’s a universal experience. When leaders lead with humanity, they inspire a ripple effect that goes beyond their immediate influence.
Closing Thoughts:
True leadership is a commitment to values in action. It’s a choice to align our actions with the ethics we say we believe in, creating workplaces that reflect a genuine respect for humanity. Embracing self-compassion isn’t just a personal choice; it’s an ethical one. It’s a choice that has the power to transform leadership from a relentless pursuit to a mindful practice that values the person behind the title.
Self-compassion is the new way forward; the foundation of a leadership style that prioritizes empathy, integrity, and connection. By showing compassion to ourselves, we model a new standard of ethical leadership, one that values humanity as the core of true success.
Self-Reflection Questions:
Great article, Massimo, and great to see you this past weekend. I shared it with the 30+ members of our Global Talent Development Team at Adobe, and can't wait to read your book. Thanks for doing what you do!