Facing the Devil in me - Alcohol

Today is all about some writing therapy. I thought for a long time about sharing this… but it’s playing on my mind so much that I feel the best way to release those feelings is to write about them. Today I am discussing my relationship with alcohol and what needs to be done for my future.

However, let's start by going right back…

People who know me now know that my drinking habits and drug habits are now a far cry from what they used to be. Between the ages of seventeen and my late twenties, I was well known as someone who loved the ‘sesh.’ I would regularly binge drink 3-4 times per week and go missing at drug-fuelled parties, sometimes for as much as three solid days without sleep, most weekends. I was using the partying to run away from the fact that I resented my life Monday to Friday, 9-5, and I had no purpose or fulfilment.  Being “off my head” for days was a way of getting over this.

Over the last few years, as I got involved in the field of personal growth and mental well-being, I have seen my relationship drastically improve. I have been involved in regular abstinence, including 100-150-day ‘breaks.’ Nights out are a rarity now; people often tell me how different I am now. Some even call me ‘boring’ and say, ‘You’ve changed,’ which, in my opinion, was much needed.  ‘Improvements’ have been made. This is a fact.

However, on Saturday night, I had a rare night out, and it ended in absolute disaster, to put it lightly.  leading to what I now know will be (needs to be) some significant changes with alcohol for good and probably more work with a therapist (or my best friend).

Long story short, in a moment of madness, I lost my temper and chose to fight a wall. The wall won clearly, and the result was a broken hand.  What a massive dickhead.

The sad honesty is that I genuinely have no real idea why, I have no memory of it, and in truth, this has scared the life out of me. For days, I’ve honestly hated myself; I’ve been embarrassed and felt shame and extreme guilt. I have struggled to even look at myself in the mirror.  That’s how low I have felt, all brought on by my decision.

Two weeks ago, I was on an absolute high, having recently completed a 100-km hike around the lakes. I was operating as the best version of myself. I felt incredible. I was at the peak of my fitness and mindset.

Fast forward a few weeks, and here I am, in sheer disbelief, this person has come out.  The person I’ve worked so hard not to be, I’ve fallen back into. A complete moment of madness.  This is the absolute worst version of myself. In truth, I fucking hate this version of Joe Hilton.

I’ve had to go for long walks with close friends and have been extremely upset. It’s all self-inflicted, and it could have been avoided.  I don’t want sympathy, as this is not warranted. I need to come to terms with the honest reality of the situation and take full ownership. This is what I am doing, so I am sharing it. I am owning it and saying I was a massive dickhead and its up to me to fix it.

It's not that I would ever try to justify such wrong actions, but I was not in control at the moment; I was talking to my best friend, and the best way I can describe it is, “There is a devil in me sometimes.”  This person operating this body is not me. Yes, I made this stupid decision (as well as the decision to drink alcohol), but there is no way on earth a conscious Joe Hilton would ever have done this. A conscious Joe Hilton is genuinely a good guy. At least, I think that. I am not perfect, as proven, but I am passionate about helping people feel better.

I’m also not making out that I’m a ‘bad drunk’ at all times, either, as I am not. I’ve had plenty of moments where it’s all been laughs, cuddles, and dancing, and alcohol has brought me ‘good times.’ This is the truth.

However, in honesty, alcohol also feels like a ‘ticking time bomb’ for me till something silly happens. Whether that’s a regret or a bad move or something idiotic such as this. The reality is that all the worst decisions in my life have come following alcohol. That’s the reality for me. 

To be clear, this is my relationship; I am sharing my story. I certainly don’t preach; if you feel like alcohol is ok in your life, then continue. I need to face the honest fact that it does not work for me. I certainly won’t tell you that you must stop. It's your choice.

I need to recognize this fact and own it. For years now, I’ve felt like I’d been in more control (and I had been on many occasions), but this woke me up to the fact that alcohol can still have a hold on me.  I have been sat there for days bemused, upset, and just thinking, “How the fuck has this happened”?

I think the best way of putting it is that I don’t have a problem with alcohol, but I cause problems for myself with alcohol. Whereas some people seem to be able to control it, I can lose self-control when drinking. It is easy for people to say, "Just have a few," but I don't think I can. I have put so many barriers in place over the years, from lower percentage drinks to drinking shandies to complete abstinence, and while 90% of the time it has worked, there is still a small 10% of me who can act like a dick.

In truth, I’ve felt for days like I’ve gone backward. I’ve spent years working on my emotions and behavior, and then, in a moment of insanity, I did something that a little boy would do. I did something that I would have done years ago. I’m not proud of myself.  Nothing anyone can say to me will make me feel any worse than I currently do.  I said to my partner, I feel like a fraud. However, I pride myself on being 'real,' so this is me being real. There will be people (and some coaches) sitting judging, but just remember there are some coaches who preach, and yet I look at them, and they engage in some behaviors I would deem unhealthy. It is a lot better than choosing to fight a wall, but I genuinely believe nobody is perfect. I just speak about my flaws more openly.

I recently started training in jiu-jitsu, and I loved it. This is now a major setback, all self-inflicted.  I felt great mentally, and I’ve brought this downturn on myself.  Most importantly, it’s finally awakened me to the need to make changes and focus more on this area. In truth, I am scared that something may happen with alcohol that genuinely becomes irreversible; I have seen such events happen with friends, whereby the result has been a prison sentence. This, in fairness, has triggered a huge change in them for the better.

For years now, I have felt like I have ‘dipped my toe’ in my old life. While the old me is not a regular person to show up, I sometimes always felt like I wanted to ‘let my hair down’. It is like I have this shadow lurking in the corner who could come out at any time.  

The battle for me with alcohol has not been ‘not drinking’; I have got so used to this over the years that it is easy; many people see me at networking events or even social occasions drinking a non-alcoholic lager. It has become more of the 'norm' for me. Where the challenges start is when I start having an internal battle of ‘should I drink on this occasion’, say a wedding or a party, or on holiday or what I would say more ‘major’ events, as opposed to a weekly occurrence like it used to be. It creates this ongoing battle with myself and often inner turmoil.  The event may pass with no incidents, and I feel like I have ‘won’ and proven to myself that I am in control, but in honesty, it is a false sense of security. Alcohol then slaps me in the face, and I do something I seriously regret. Like breaking my fucking hand. I am devastated.  

Honestly, I dislike this version of me; I hate him, to be honest. This is the truth. I no longer want to wrestle with the inner turmoil of “It's been two months; should I have a drink now?”  I want to practice saying, “I don’t drink now,” for a longer period of time and see if this works. People say that when you make a commitment to it, it completely changes your identity, and I need to work on forming this new identity. I want my identity to be the fit and healthy guy who completes these fitness challenges.

Each person’s experience with alcohol is different; people have different relationships with it, and I am not here to tell you what you should do.  However, I know at the fundamental level that it is a poison, and it has the ability to make me completely ‘unconscious’ in my decision-making ability. I don’t want that anymore for myself.

Over the last five years, I have quit smoking, massively reduced my drinking, stopped sniffing cocaine weekly, got extremely fitter and healthier, I am in the best shape of my life, and I have improved my life in so many areas. The person you see today is a much greater version of me. However, I want to share this to show you that despite this and everything you see on LinkedIn or social media, nobody is perfect; I certainly am not.

 As much as this idiotic behavior really hurts me (emotionally and physically), there’s nothing I can do now; it’s done.  I am trying to focus on the inner voice calling me worse than shit and reminding myself that despite this setback, I have done many good things over the last few years and helped a lot of people. This article might help someone else who is going through this battle.

 I am writing this for the sheer reason of facing my shame and owning it. I am at my best when I don’t have alcohol in my life.  I am a better partner and son, and I am better at my work.  This is my first ‘slip up’ in a very long time, but it has also shown me that I still have work to do.

Spiritual texts often say your shadow is your biggest teacher, and I’ve ignored too many warnings over the years.  I have also not paid as much attention to how great not drinking makes me feel. I have never woken up fresh on a Sunday morning, gone training, engaged in positive habits, and been gutted that I didn’t have a drink the night before. Yet, I have often woken up from a rare night out and questioned if it was worth it. This has proven to me that it’s not. At least for me.

I didn’t have to turn this into a LinkedIn article; my partner said some things should be kept to ourselves. I thought about it. I could have also easily lied about my hand and made up a story to protect my ego, but the truth is that this is me showing everyone that we all still face demons and make stupid mistakes.  And I feel I need to do it to address the shame I feel by owning it. I feel horrific. However, only by being vulnerable and admitting to myself, it is still affecting me can I truly fix it.

 My best friend is in recovery; he is coming up to four years sober. His life looks extremely different for the better.  I do not feel I need to go through a 12-step program as I don’t feel addicted per se. I certainly do not feel I ‘need’ to drink because I don’t, but I do need to be honest with myself and say more work needs to be done.

He advises me to take it a day at a time. My initial goal is to go alcohol-free for the rest of this year. This is only a few months longer than my longest abstinences yet. Honestly, the thought of me “never having a pint ever again” with my dad, or on holiday still feels quite daunting. This is the honest truth. He says this is normal and why you should take a day at a time. Perhaps there is a level of addiction there somewhere. I do not know. This, I appreciate, is still not an unwavering commitment, but it is a commitment to six months, which I can really assess during. I can do more work.

As of right now, I will not be drinking alcohol for the rest of this year, and then in January, I will re-read this article and go from there.  It is a bit at a time.  All I know is that at least this initial commitment will give me the longest period of time I will have ever had to assess it. I will be setting reminders and reminding me of my why. This 6 – 8 weeks off from Ju jitsu is truly devastating, but I will still ensure that training is daily. I will not sit still. I can’t.

In this instance, I also do not want to encourage a debate, and I know you will naturally judge. You will all have your opinions, but if you want to talk to me about it, please send me a message privately. I am a flawed human (like us all) still figuring things out, and I welcome an open and honest discussion. Please send me honest thoughts and support; I am not asking you to pick my life apart.

As I said, nobody can make me feel any worse than I do. However, I have to let this incident go. I cannot change it, and I can only be better going forward.

In the meantime I need a new training plan and to get my hand back fixed up... what a knob.