The fear - and the fallacy - of going 'backwards'

Have you ever felt scared that you've gone 'backwards' and undone all your 'hard work'? 

I definitely have - and as a result, I recently returned from an incredibly powerful internal 'adventure' and I would love to share it with you...

I don't feel that I have to share this. 

I don't feel that I need to share this. 

I DO feel that I want to share this - because I have often gained so much from others' generous honesty in sharing many aspects of life and I know it can be a powerful silent witness to what you might also be experiencing. 

Someone I follow said these words and they really resonated:

"I share so much of my own growth transparently, because I want to model what it means to be a human being who is a work-in-progress but still loves and values herself."

This is it - 100%

Here is the latest truth about my own journey and a recent incredibly powerful INTERNAL adventure that I've just returned from.

Settle in for story-time.

I want you all to imagine this:

You get super fit, you run a marathon or climb a mountain and when you get back you keep up the training and you feel on top of the world.

You love the new you and can't ever imagine being how you were before.

For months and years you live in a new state of health and happiness and things are great. 

Then... you break your leg in an accident [that has also happened to me!]

Suddenly, you can't do some of the things to the same extent that you did before. 

As you start healing, the exercises still work, but not quite as well. It takes longer to see the benefit of the effort you put in - and all because your brilliant body/being is trying it's best to keep you going and heal at the same time. 

Its actually totally necessary for it to go more slowly in order for you to survive. 

Your body/being HAS to work more slowly as it now has more to do.

This is NORMAL.

But because you are human you criticise yourself, you feel disappointed and you think its YOU. Rather than it being a very necessary act of survival - which we are all hardwired for, remember?

And it's exactly the same with 'inner' work or growth -  that isn't a linear journey either. It is cyclical. (Which, by the way, I still have a hard time accepting that it's not a constant upward trajectory! Even as a coach, and I know it can't be, but I still want it to be!) 

And this is how it was for me.

Last year, I experienced a major and awful life event. It shook me, plunged me into grief, and, suddenly, I had a huge unwanted mountain ahead of me to climb.  Yet again.

Worse still, I didn't realise until much later just how much it had temporarily impacted me at a deeper level.

I was the 'good girl', so, through the pain, I dug in. 

I was diligently using all my practices, support networks and services that I knew would help me. 

It just didn't feel quite enough. 

I felt less resilient than I had before, and everything felt harder, more painful and closer to the surface.

I made it worse by feeling extremely cross - because I judged it as that it 'shouldn't be happening' after all the years, money and energy I had spent to get to the epic place of self-belief, contentment and confidence that I had been experiencing until then.

I had thoughts such as:

Does this mean all my work didn't work?

Does this mean that how I help others was no longer valid?

Here I am, seemingly having gone 'backwards' (which ISN'T a thing, btw!) does this mean I can't now help other people?

NOPE. 

Of course not. In fact, everything I had learned, trained in and done before helped me stay as level as I could, and not return to darker places. I know that I would have been lost without it. 

All this new situation 'meant' was that I was going through a deeply difficult time, which activated old trauma responses and my whole body/being was actually managing to be EPIC at trying to survive and heal at the same time. 

But of COURSE I worried about all the other pieces, because I am a human.

Including the worry that this would impact my ability to do my job (which it didn't. As my clients will attest!)

I realised that everything felt 'too heavy to hold'. And I needed something else - just like someone who breaks their leg might need crutches or a wheelchair and an operation. 

I decided to investigate some intensive programmes - to reinforce what I had already worked on, and to help heal the damage from the previous year. To feel more peace.

I had heard about something called the Hoffman process. I'd heard it described by many as 'life-changing', 'pivotal', the 'best thing I've ever done' and 'hitting the reset button'.

I investigated thoroughly - I especially wanted something that wasn't simply based on talking therapies - I wanted something that went deeper. Something that worked with the other aspects of myself other than the intellect.

I'd had very powerful results from more somatic, transformational and holistic practices before, and I was keen to experience something similar. 

I had quite a few phone calls to establish if this was the right process for me at this time. At every stage they were professional, reassuring and not at any point did I feel pulled or pushed into any decision. 

Then, I took the plunge and booked on.

There was a lot of pre-work before I attended, which, again, was reassuring to me and an indication of the depth of the process.

Booked in for a residential week in the middle of the Oxfordshire countryside, cut off from the outside world - not allowed to have our own phones, devices, music, usual meditations, yoga, books, exercise...nothing that would cause us to alter our mood or distract us in any way. The focus of the week was the programme that we were on. To be fully immersed. 

A week with 23 other brave souls, all pushing through discomfort to pursue their own version of the peace and healing I was seeking to restore within. 

I intend to write a little more detail about what the week entailed and the journey itself, but for now, I will summarise.

It was incredible, intense, and everything that I needed. Not least being supported by immensely caring professionals all week, and mutually supported with compassion by my fellow participants, now all dear friends. 

We all bonded through the grief, the tears, the sharing, the love, the pain, the intense emotions, the connection with ourselves and each other, and SO much laughter (anyone who thinks this sort of work doesn't include fun should think again!). 

We worked on our patterns of behaviours, emotions, thoughts. Topics such as shame, guilt, vindictiveness and our dark sides. We were taken through a brilliantly designed programme with a powerful array of experiences, exercises and tools and given practices to keep with us for good.  

As with every other deep process  - or external adventure - that I have undertaken, once on the other side, the rewards are immense. 

I now feel more hope than I have in a long time. I feel restored to my previous levels of resilience  - and beyond. I feel even more resourced to deal with everything that life will contain.

I would describe it as a year or two years' worth of deep work or therapy or processing in one week.

And here I now stand, resourced and ready. Reintroduced to the 'outer world' forever a different being than went in.

I could not be more grateful. 

If anyone reading this ever feels the terror of going 'backwards'...the hopelessness of fearing a return to places that you wish that you had left behind, know that you are not alone.

Not only are you not alone, but you are normal.

I see you, I love you.

And I will continue to journey with you - all of you - in this wild experience of life. 

Freedom awaits 💫