Feeling down and don't know why? Here's what to do...
Frances Masters MBACP accred GHGI AC (Fellow)
Creator of the FUSION Therapeutic Coaching Model/Positive Disruptor/ Author /Psychotherapist/Coach/Supervisor. Sign up for my LinkedIn newsletter The Super Coaches Are Coming
Hi,
We’ll be looking more closely at Cognitive Behavioural Coaching at the next Diploma workshop as well as supervision; how much to have and how to make the best of your supervision session.
After that, we’ll be putting the Human Givens model under the spotlight before moving on to focus on the integrated Fusion model.
As part of the training, students will have access to the unique Fusion five session coaching system and we’ll be breaking down the format into its component parts to look at how it integrates core counselling skills with advanced coaching techniques.
Systems
A system is like a road map. It guides you and gives you a sense of direction. It provides a route, or choice of routes, to get you to where you want to be.
It also frees up headspace for you as the practitioner and gives hope and confidence to your client. They have a sense that this is going somewhere and that they are in safe hands.
The Fusion Therapeutic Coaching system has been tried and tested with thousands of clients for over fifteen years and proven to be effective. Back in 2009, when I co founded the charity Reclaim Life, I reproduced my own working practices and trained up volunteer coaches. It’s called ‘modelling’ where you find something that works, and then replicate it.
After several months, I started drawing up graphs from the stats from hundreds of completed client sessions which showed, without any doubt, that the five session system got consistently good outcomes even for those who did not have my training and experience.
Graham was one of our first clients through the door back then.
I remember him well…
Graham
‘I’m so miserable and I don’t know why!’
This is what Graham told me as soon as he got to my office.
He’d barely sat down before he continued ‘When I wake up in the morning I don’t want to get up. I can’t be bothered to get up. I ache all over. Every day feels like ground hog day. What’s the point? My wife says to get some pills from the GP. She reckons I’m depressed and they’ll put my brain right.
I don’t agree with her though. Something’s wrong… I just can’t put my finger on what it is!’
I had to agree with Graham on this one.
I was pleased he had decided to come and see me as his first port of call. It was time for some psychological detective work...
Feeling down and you don’t know why?
The physical symptoms that go with low mood can be quite worrying. Here are some of the things you might notice:
Bad science and depression
Chances are, if you’ve been feeling low, you might already have paid your GP a visit, where perhaps you’ve been told you are depressed and need medication to rebalance the chemicals in your brain. You might well have emerged from the GP’s office clutching a prescription for antidepressants with the hope that the pills will ‘fix’ the problem and put you back on an even keel.
Sadly, the medical model of depression is flawed and based on bad science. When previously unpublished trials are put alongside published trials, it turns out that around 30% of people make some improvement when taking antidepressants. That sounds quite good, doesn’t it?
No it doesn’t!
Not when the same studies also show the same level of improvement for those who were just given a dummy pill.
And think about all of the potential side effects of those specific serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI’s) that are being handed out in increasing numbers year on year. They include:
Good science and depression
The same studies show the very best long term results are for those who seek out talking therapy.
The Fusion Model views emotional wellbeing through the lens of innate human needs and the simple understanding that our emotions have evolved to push us towards getting those needs met. Our emotions are our very best friends, even when some of the feelings they send us are uncomfortable or distressing.
Turns out we sort of ‘extract’ happiness from our environment.
If you are living a life that is not working for you and your needs are not being met, your emotions will tap you on the shoulder with sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety or any of the painful feelings that are designed to catch your attention and send you an important message:
‘Please make changes…’
It’s close to the father of modern counselling Carl Roger’s notion of ‘The actualising tendency’. It’s the drive that pushes us to want to be the best version of ourselves.
But what areas of your life do you need to make changes in?
Working with a therapeutic coach is an ideal way to work out what changes you might need to make but it is also something you can start to do for yourself, by scaling each area of life with marks out of 10. The higher the score, the more likely you are to be feeling ok and that life is good.
The lower the score, the more likely you are to be feeling depressed or distressed in some way and the more areas of your life that are not working , the greater the stress or distress is likely to be.
These are some key areas of life to look at:
# Work
We can get so many of our needs met from our working environment, by having work we find meaningful, rewarding and fulfilling. Bearing in mind many of us spend a considerable amount of time at work, it’s a good idea to focus on your job and career and wonder ‘Is work actually working for me?’
Consider, if you could have any job you wanted and failure was not an option, what would that job be? Are there dreams and aspirations from your past that you’ve boxed up and put away on the shelf?
If you could have the perfect year at work, what would that look like? Break it down. Make a list of goals. Do you want to stay in your current job and make changes or get promoted?
Do you want another role in your current organisation or do you need to look for other employment? If you’re self employed, what changes need making? Is your work/life balance all you want it to be?
Do you need to work smarter rather than harder? Are you managing your schedule so that you are making the best and most efficient use of your time?
Having an idea of your perfect work life will also give you an idea of how near or far you are from that now.
# Money
Is money causing you stress? Do you owe money you can’t pay back? How much money do you need to stop you worrying about it? Do you need to win the lottery to be happy?
Many people say they just need enough to give them choices about the kind of life they live. If you had enough money, how would you be living? Have a clear picture in your mind. What would you be doing that you don’t do now? Where would you be? Who would you be with?
What would your work-life balance be? Would you give up work or make other changes?
# Emotional health
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How’s your sleep? Do you wake up in the morning feeling tired? Can you focus and concentrate? How’s your appetite? Are you smoking or drinking more than usual?
And how about your relationships; are you avoiding people or feel you just can’t be bothered to make the effort to go out and socialise?
These can all be indicators that something in your life is causing you stress.
How will you know when you are feeling better? What will you be doing that you don’t do now? What would other people notice about you? Be clear in your own mind about what the happy you looks like.
# Physical health
Even though you might be feeling stressed, you might be physically well and thankful to your body for keeping you going.
Or you might be noticing more aches and pains than usual; perhaps there are headaches, back ache or stomach upsets?
When we ignore what our emotions are trying to tell us for long enough, the body sends an even stronger message... or can bring us to a halt altogether!
Twelve months from now, what would a perfectly healthy you look like? Do you need to lose weight, stop smoking or cut down on the alcohol?
When you consider a 100% healthy you, think about the lifestyle that would support that? And what do you need to do to get you there?
Write down as much detail as you need to construct a clear picture.
# Partner
You may not have a partner and that’s ok, or you may have a partner who is causing you a lot of stress.
If you don’t have a partner and would like to have one, consider the kind of person who would make your ideal partner and construct a picture of their personality. Do they need to be gregarious and outgoing or would you prefer someone quiet to spend time at home with?
What qualities would you value in your ideal partner?
If you do have a partner, consider now how you would like that partnership to look by the end of next year. Do you need to make changes? Is communication an issue? Are there problems which need addressing?
# Family
The family situation can be a complicated picture for many. Do you want less or more contact? Don’t confuse quantity with quality.
Some areas of your family may be working better than others. Chances are, it’s the parts that are not working that capture your attention and make you feel bad.
Be clear about how much stress you experience in your family unit and what changes you might need to make. Some relationships feel toxic or controlling and can cause so much distress that, if things can’t be improved, you have to give yourself permission to just let go of them.
# Friends
As the old saying goes, ‘you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends.’
Try drawing a spiral on a piece of paper.
At the centre, write down the names of those you are closest to and, as the spiral winds out, other names of those you are less connected to. Do you see enough of the people that really matter to you? Do you see too much of the others?
What would make you happy if failure was not possible and you could have anything you wanted? To have good friends we need to be a good friend too. Are you there for others? Do you put energy into nurturing your friendships?
# Learning
The human brain loves to learn. Just being bored can create lethargy and depression in itself.
What are you doing to learn new things? Remember, just outside your comfort zone is where the real growth happens. All too often we confine ourselves with fear and maintain the status quo to avoid risk.
Consider this time next year. What new experiences would you like to have? What news skills would you like to be learning? How would that affect your life?
Would it lead to new employment or a new hobby? Would you be travelling more or meeting new people?
# Environment
Are you happy where you live? Do you feel safe and secure there or are you being bullied or controlled? Do you have neighbour problems?
Are there changes you would like to make inside or outside the home?
Or would you rather be living somewhere else? What would your ideal home look like? Where would it be? How would it feel to be in your perfect home and how would that affect the rest of your life?
# Achievement
When we work towards a goal and get to the finishing post, we experience a real sense of achievement that sends feel-good hormones flooding into our brain.
And when we make efforts to ensure the major areas of our life are really working for us, we have positive inner feelings that connect us to the outside world. Our life has a sense of meaning and purpose.
The happiness recipe
Happiness is a temporary state of mind that comes and goes. As the saying goes; ‘Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it the more it eludes you but if you turn your attention to other things the butterfly of happiness will come and rest gently on your shoulder.’
Happiness may be transient, but our ongoing wellbeing is something we can start improving for ourselves by turning our attention to what is working and what needs to change.
For Graham it was all about work. He was bored.
The job paid the bills but was mind-blowingly tedious and Graham was an intelligent man who needed more mental stimulation. Once he’d made some decisions about that, he started to feel better and the ‘depression’ lifted.
Make friends with your emotions
It all starts with making friends with our emotions, inviting them to come and sit alongside us for a while then, all we have to do is listen to what they are saying…
and then think about what our choices are :)
Fusion training
If you want to be part of the new wave of integrated practitioners you can apply to be on the waiting list for the Integrated Coaching Academy Therapeutic Coaching Diploma.
The good news is there is no waiting list at all for the NCFE distance learning Therapeutic Coaching Skills Certificate and you can follow this link for immediate purchase of your Skills Workbook for just £455.
You can also still access the Fusion Mindfulness Based Mind Management programme here for £395 for a limited time.