Finding new friends through pen pals

Feeling lonely? You’re not alone. Despite smartphones and social media, and their promises to connect everyone instantly, many of us feel more disconnected than ever. As I’ve written many times in these letters, we’re experiencing a loneliness epidemic.

Studies show an obvious and simple remedy for battling loneliness: We just need more friends. But this begs the question: How do you find new friends when so much of the world seems satisfied staring at a screen rather than having actual human interaction?

One strategy is to look at the past, when close friendships were more common. People spent their free time at hobby groups, sports leagues, and places of worship, making face-to-face connections with people who have similar interests.

A few weeks ago, I added pen pals to the list. In a Celebrations Pulse, I shared my experience with Jane, a girl I had met while she was visiting with my family. It was unlikely we’d see each other again in person, so we agreed to stay in touch by sending each other letters. Her advice helped get me through the perils of adolescence.

Could a seemingly antiquated activity be part of the solution to the challenge of finding friends in the 21st century? I asked the Celebrations Pulse community back in July, and the answer was a resounding “Yes!”

How writing connects us

For centuries, people have exchanged letters: significant others expressing their love for one another; generals corresponding with troops; kids writing home from summer camp. (You do remember there was a time before electronic mail and text messages, right?) It’s a deliberate, thoughtful process, where individuals take the time to organize their thoughts, carefully select their words, and craft each sentence with care. Once sent, the wait for a reply could take weeks, making the arrival of a letter a delightful, and often unexpected, surprise.

Letter writing isn’t designed for instant gratification. But the intention, the thoughtfulness, and – let’s be honest – the effort involved play a significant role in building stronger, more meaningful relationships. A quick social media message lacks the same depth of effort, and it often shows.

Harvey, a member of our community, agrees there’s nothing like receiving a letter.

“There is a special kind of joy in getting an envelope in the mail, addressed to you, from someone you know. It tends to stop the clock for a bit. Sitting down to read it, you can hear their voice and imagine the situations they describe.  “It is a brief journey away from the chores, and the things hanging over your head. Just for a moment you're at peace with an old friend.”

Chris, another community member, fondly recalls his early experiences with pen pals and the joy they brought.

“What a wonderful idea to resurrect! In grammar school, our English teacher would have us sign up for a pen-pal program. Mine was from Europe, and it was so exciting to receive a letter, examine the stamp, and learn so many new things about something that was so far away.”

Finding a pen pal Like Chris, many of you shared that you had pen pals arranged for you when you went to elementary school, and I also heard from teachers who started their own programs.

“My husband and I taught the same grade in different school systems and came up with the idea of having our students write to each other. They were all 5th graders and we thought that this would be an opportunity to refine and improve many skills we taught without actually teaching them. The students enjoyed telling their pen pals about their families, what they liked to do, what they were studying, what they found difficult in school.” – Cookie

People also found pen pals through newspaper and magazine ads, where individuals shared brief bios and their addresses.

“I met my forever pen pal through a teen magazine back in the ‘80s. I flew my very first time to meet her from Wisconsin to Georgia. I feel she helped get me through a lot of tough teenage years. I still write to her and keep in touch.” – Deb

Indeed, many of these pen pal relationships have withstood the test of time.

“I have been writing to the same friend for over 60 years. We have visited each other twice in our home countries, the UK and the USA. I have saved most of the letters. We had children about the same time. We write almost every month.” – Irene

How to get started

If you’d like to start a relationship with a pen pal, several organizations can help you make a connection. Many of these platforms incorporate digital tools to assist with pairing, streamline delivery, or ensure privacy.

One such platform, Slowly, allows users to exchange messages with delays based on the actual distance between pen pals – mimicking the time it would take for physical mail to be delivered.

JoJo Chan Sau-wun, Slowly’s founder, told me business is strong.

“Pen pals have always been around. While it may not always be mainstream, there's a timeless appeal that keeps it coming back, much like vinyl records or film photography. Pen pals offer a unique experience that other forms of communication can't replicate and always have a group of dedicated fans.”

Jakob Herrmann, founder of PenPal World, also reported rising interest.

“While pen pals have never completely disappeared, they've definitely seen a resurgence in popularity over the past decade. We have noticed this on our site, where members are simply looking for other members to talk to. With the help of digital communication, the concept of having a pen pal has gained new interest as people look for more personal, faster, and meaningful ways to connect.”

And the main advantage of being a pen pal continues to be a way to make a meaningful connection with someone else. Jakob explains:

“They may be looking for a personal connection, cultural exchange, and even foreign language practice. The time and effort involved in writing and receiving messages often builds long-term friendships and gives a great sense of achievement.”

Pen pals also can help bridge generations by providing a great way for seniors and children to connect and share their experiences. Susan, another community member, told me about how her older brother has been corresponding with children through his local senior center.

It's a wonderful idea that can easily be adopted between children and their grandparents and aunts and uncles. Not only do pen pals bring joy and learning to children, they also offer seniors a chance to connect, reminisce, and feel valued through the experiences they write about.

If you’re feeling lonely or just want to make new friends, don’t write off pen pals. It’s a timeless way to remind us of the power of thoughtful, intentional connections in an increasingly disconnected world.

All the best,

Jim