First Day of School - Parenting Reflections

Our eldest son started school last week, age 4 1/4 (the quarter's important to him!). He went in cool as a cucumber, with the words, "Be brave, be kind", trailing behind him, not a tear in sight (not even from my husband and me). I actually felt guilty that I didn't feel anywhere near like crying. I did feel very proud of him. #MumGuiltIsReal #WhyDoWeTormentOurselves.

His first days of school have made me reflect on what the last four years of parenting have taught me. Here are some of the lightbulbs - what would you add?

💡 I was not at all empathetic to parents in my workplace before I became a parent myself.

I was so demanding and didn't understand why people didn't work the same way I did (which was all the time for many years). Rather than ask curious questions about how people needed to work and the juggle they had going on outside work, I'd make assumptions that people were lazy or not driven, which I now realise was total rubbish! I had no first hand experience of sleepless nights, sick children, childcare falling through, early pick ups, military logistics and the mental load of making sure you don't forget pyjama day (or whatever other 'fun' theme is chosen at late notice). Thank goodness a good boss told me early that everyone wants to do a good job and is doing their best, so if you're going to make any assumptions, make that one.

💡 Parenting is a hard, relentless job

Give me a room full of salespeople, buyers, lawyers and procurement any day of the week. Negotiating large-scale, multi-million pound transformation programs is significantly easier than looking after a tired, over-stimulated, defiant toddler. Even the most irrational adults have more rationality than a child who was eaten too many sweets at a party, run around far too much and refuses to go to sleep! Plus they sometimes say thank you (the adults that is), and they don't wake you up all hours of the night to make sure you're permanently exhausted.

💡 A smile or laugh from your child can change your mood in an instant

Despite the challenges of parenting, the moments of sheer joy when your child learns something new, smiles at you, laughs hysterically or holds your hand are mood-changing. Being present with small children, playing their games and seeing the world through their eyes are gifts I'm trying to make as much time for as possible.

💡 The skills of parents are undervalued in the workplace

Negotiation of literally everything (though this often results in bribery, which is NOT recommended at work), being calm under pressure, defusing high stress situations (nothing like a screaming child in the middle of a supermarket to make your hairs stand on end), creativity (anyone who can make art out of lollipop sticks and glue is a creative genius IMHO!), an amazing ability to get things done in a finite amount of time (because you've got kids to pick up from childcare and they fine you if you're late) and empathy for when meltdowns happen and as frustrated as you may be, your kid just needs a hug. These are all incredibly valuable skills for a workplace - ones that are much harder to teach than technical skills or industry knowledge. We should worry less about career breaks and focus more on the incredible talent parents bring to the workforce. That's before we even get to the economic benefits of having more parents working. Forbes estimates $13 trillion to global GBP by 2023 - Companies Need Working Moms. And Moms Need More Support Than Ever (forbes.com).

💡 There are so many assumptions made about parents in the workplace, and they are still markedly different between mothers and fathers

The overriding assumption is that mothers are less ambitious when returning to work after children, which I think is completely untrue. So many parents I talk to need to work, and a lot not just for financial reasons. Work gives a sense of identity alongside being a parent, time to use a different part of your brain and fulfills a need for achievement that can be hard to get from parenting, despite the fact that keeping humans alive and thriving must be one of life's big achievements! We hear of the Motherhood Penalty affecting up to 80% of the gender pay gap (How to reduce the motherhood penalty and the gender pay gap | World Economic Forum (weforum.org) and the Fatherhood Bonus where men supposedly get paid more after becoming a parent.

My children are incredibly luckily to have a stay at home father, which I talk about a lot, yet when I'm travelling for work, people often ask me who is looking after our boys. I don't hear male colleagues being asked the same. It can also be incredibly lonely being a stay at home Dad in a world where the assumption is Mums stay at home.

Everyone's need from work is different, so let's not make assumptions about people's ambitions or ability to do that stretch project or go for that promotion, simply because they're a mum. Let's ask and really listen to the answer. And let's encourage more Dads and non-birthing partners to take extended leave through enhanced parental leave schemes - it's good for them, good for children and good for the balance of parenting responsibilities so mothers don't have to shoulder the majority of the load.

This article turned out to be as much about assumptions and stereotypes as parenting. Stereotypes harm us all - watch this brilliant TV2 video that challenges stereotypes. I cried the first time I saw this, even if I didn't in the playground at my son's school! TV 2 | All That We Share - YouTube.