To Forgive or Not to Forgive: That Is the Question
Dr. Eileen Borris
Global Consultant in Political Forgiveness, Multi-Track Diplomacy, Leadership, Conflict resolution, Author, Dynamic Key-Note Speaker
A Message to You
In honor of Global Day of Forgiveness on July 7, this newsletter looks into the most recent research showing the mental health benefits of forgiveness, what forgiveness is and isn’t, and how consciousness of deep and complex emotions is built into a political forgiveness process.
What Can You Do?
With the topic of grievances in the news, it feels like more people are holding on to anger and the pursuit of vengeance. Forgiveness is a commitment to an ongoing process, not a one-time event. Who in your life would you like to forgive? (It could even be yourself.) What small step can you take to begin a forgiveness practice in your own life?
To Forgive or Not to Forgive: That Is the Question
Anger, grievances, vengeance — we can’t stop hearing about how people are feeling, especially the pain that swirls around us. After a while we begin to feel so emotionally drained that it’s exhausting. Perhaps we’re hearing the barrage of negativity from others, or are holding on tightly to our own grievances. Whatever it is, the emotional undertow is dragging us down.
Perhaps we need to forgive. What? Are you kidding? This may be the dialogue spinning around in your head. But before you try to find the exit door, you may want to stop and think about this for a moment: There are benefits to what many of us find so hard to do. First, we must understand what forgiveness is not and is.
What Forgiveness Is Not
Forgiveness is not about forgetting. When painful events happen to us it is unrealistic to think we can just forget about it. What does happen when we are able to forgive is that we don’t dwell on what has happened and are able to control how we feel about the situation.
Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that you let someone off the hook. People need to be held accountable for their actions. What forgiveness enables us to do is to let go of our emotional pain. Forgiveness is an inner process not an outward action, and this is why just because you can forgive it doesn’t mean that you need to reconcile. Forgiveness is about what is taking place inside of you. Reconciliation involves another person and engaging in building trust. There are times when it’s very possible, and maybe even wise, to forgive someone but not reconcile.
Unfortunately, people often associate forgiveness with weakness. Truth be told, many people are afraid to look within themselves and muster the emotional maturity to change their mindsets about someone else. It is easier for us to attack and blame rather than try to understand what happened and why. For many it is anxiety producing to delve within our own being—something many of us avoid.
Forgiveness is not something that happens quickly, nor is it usually a one-time event. It is an inner process that takes time. Our emotions need to be worked through for us to see a situation differently. Looking within ourselves and being honest with ourselves takes time and courage.
When we are unable to forgive, we are usually holding on to a grievance story, a story someone tells over and over again of being wronged. Grievance causes suffering; the more you focus on your grievance the stronger they become. People begin to ruminate over them, giving power over the grievance. As you continue to replay the incident in your head, what happened in the past only gets uglier. Over time, holding on to grievance can affect your mood, your relationships and your health. But there is a surprising countermeasure to grievance: forgiveness.
What Forgiveness Is
So, what is forgiveness? Forgiveness is a cognitive and emotional process that lessens anger and grievance, the desire for revenge, and helps stop rumination. It is decision, a choice not to see the world through the lens of anger and bitterness, but through a greater understanding. It is choosing to let go of negative emotions toward someone who has harmed you. In so doing, you are taking back control of your emotional well-being and choosing not to be a victim twice over. Forgiveness helps you develop greater awareness, greater insight and better judgment. It gets you out of the past which you cannot change and helps create a new healing narrative, developing a new perspective and a chance for inner peace.
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From My Desk
ARTICLE: Why Do We Fear Forgiveness?
Forgiveness can be a frightening concept to embrace. Part of the journey involves acknowledging those who wounded us and seeing in them our shared humanity. Perhaps we’re anxious that we’ll forget the suffering of loved ones; maybe we fear loss of power, or the uncertainty and messiness of the process; perhaps we’re afraid of appearing to condone what happened. In spite of everything, forgiveness may be deeply restorative, and exactly what’s needed for healing to begin.
Holding onto resentment, grievance and a desire for vengeance leads to rumination, or replaying negative memories in your head over and over. Rumination is the “universal bad boy of mental health,” according to Dr. Everett Worthington in this article, leading to increased depression, anxiety, and stress. Three recent studies, however, show that forgiveness plays a crucial role in reducing stress and improving heart health, and activates areas involved in managing emotions and boosts positive social interactions.
Forgiveness is tricky. Everyone says you should forgive, but no one will tell you how, exactly, to do it. And is it always possible—even for something as traumatic as gun violence? In this vulnerable and heartfelt talk, writer Sarah Montana takes us through her journey of forgiving her family’s killer. She offers an inside look at what we risk when we choose to forgive, and a hopeful glimpse of the freedom that lies on the other side of grief.
In this personal account, author Jeff Spiteri says his rage and scarring as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse began to shift when he made the choice to “take full responsibility for my experiences and life.” He clarifies that taking full responsibility doesn’t mean you’re at fault for the harm done to you — but it does mean you’re responsible for how you handle the resulting pain. He goes on to detail his four-step journey to forgiveness, empowerment, and writing a book about his experience.
With or Without Repentance: A Buddhist Take on Forgiveness
By Chien-Te Lin
And so we arrive at the question: is forgiveness still forgiveness in the absence of repentance? There is no doubt that Buddhism advocates forgiveness, but is repentance on the part of the transgressor a necessary condition for a Buddhist to rightfully forgive? Specifically, is the Dalai Lama’s forgiveness of the Chinese government justifiable? In this article, I try to illustrate that, above and beyond the usual moral and social dimensions of forgiveness, the Buddhist practice of forgiveness also has spiritual and transcendent aspects; and that because of these aspects, forgiveness is unconditional and repentance is not compulsory for a victim to forgive the wrongdoer.
To read the entire paper go to With or Without Repentance: A Buddhist Take on Forgiveness.