Forgive Yourself

Today was challenging due to working with past childhood traumas. The one’s that shape many of the negative self-beliefs. The ones that follow you every day and won’t let go no matter how many achievements you have.

I am amazed and impressed by the human being’s capacity to endure pain, survive it, be resilient, and reach for values to create growth and foster love. Yes, some people take the pain; their rage and inability to heal hold them in the same cycle of pain and abuse. And some people endure pain, shed love and light to stop the cycle of abuse, and choose to heal themselves and others.

I constantly witness it with my clients and have experienced it myself. The notion of vacillating between being a victim of someone’s abusive behavior, which holds the abuser accountable and responsible, or seeing all that happened as our fault because we were “bad,” “damaged,” and “at fault,” therefore deserve the abuse and ongoing pain. We vacillate between whom to keep responsible for this pain which ignites feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, hopelessness, powerlessness, and anger.

After being abused, the decisions we make about ourselves and others have become the fabric of who we are and whom we have become. Those decisions could be the motivating factors for our survival, growth, moving forward, and healing. Some use those decisions as a continuous self-disciplining tool to keep them in a straight line. I remember the first time my therapist showed me how my self-talk was a disciplinary talk about holding me toward growth and away from pleasure. I now see it with many people that their self-talk is harsh and tries to keep them from being evil and responsible for never doing wrong again. I also noticed when a client held her pain to motivate her never to be wrong again.

Forgiveness and letting go of that self-talk can become very hard since they have a function and have produced secondary gains. It is essential to find new and healthier ways of holding ourselves accountable and responsible vs. continuing to foster pain and abuse from our internal disciplinarian.  

“I should have known better” is what I constantly hear. Based on all the information that you had at that time within those circumstances, my response is that you did what you thought was best. 

Now you have more information and choose otherwise. Begin by holding compassion for the part of you that was in pain. Imagine if a friend or someone you loved told you about their childhood pain or something they did wrong when they were a child. How would you hold compassion for them? How would you forgive them for what they have done? What do you say to yourself to be able to forgive a friend for their past? 

Now, give yourself that courtesy. 

Imagine if a judge had already sentenced the child for their punishment; wouldn’t they have already served their time and should be released for good behavior?  

Healing begins with allowing compassion and love to pour in and fill your heart. Empathy will allow forgiveness. You can learn The necessary lesson and implement it healthily; you don’t need to continue the suffering. You may hold yourself responsible and accountable to a healthy set of values. Your chosen values can be the guiding lights for you to keep you on your path. Let go of the suffering. It is a useless energy-sucking process.  

Let’s focus on the strength, passion, zest, and resilience it took to survive the childhood ordeal that got us to today. Let the adult part of you remind the child part that you have survived it all. Allow the integration between the past and the present to heal and make you whole.  

Connect with a therapist to heal you through these transitions.  

For more observational and integrational skills to become fully present and whole get my book - Life Reset: The Awareness Integration Path to Create the Life You Want.