Forgiveness: The Hidden Path to Happiness
Written with Tyler Moeller
“Only if my manager wasn’t such a jerk, my career would have skyrocketed to new heights. That golden opportunity slipped through my fingers, and it was all because of him!"
I frequently recounted this story, fueled with resentment, seizing every opportunity to vent my frustration. However, on a fateful day, a dear friend who was tired of hearing my lamentations, asked a thought-provoking question: “I wonder if he remembers you with so much kindness and compassion?”
That comment jolted me out of my self-imposed victimhood. The harsh truth hit me like a bolt of lightning. My anger had consumed me, leaving no space for kindness or compassion toward my manager. In my mind, he had become a despicable villain, and I had willingly entangled myself in a web of negativity and drama for years by repeating the story so many times. As time passed, my story grew, embellished with resentful emotions that were not useful and only served to deflate my motivation. It was clear that I needed to release this burden - and the only way forward was through forgiveness.
But…forgiveness for that jerk?! Unthinkable!
As I delved deeper into my contemplation, a realization emerged. Forgiveness was not for him; it was a lifeline for me. I had to embrace forgiveness to protect my sanity, nourish my well-being, and reclaim my happiness.
And, so against all odds, I took a courageous leap toward forgiveness.
This journey taught me profound lessons. It revealed the strength it takes to let go of grudges and to release the heavy chains of resentment. Forgiveness, as it turns out, is not an act of weakness, but an act of self-empowerment. It allowed me to rewrite the narrative surrounding the situation, liberating myself from the shackles of victimhood, and transcending the bitterness that had held me captive.
Many years later, during my 2-year mindfulness teacher training program, this topic was right there at the heart and center. It became clearer than ever that forgiveness is the hidden path to happiness.
What is Forgiveness?
My teacher Jack Kornfield once told me a story about two ex-prisoners of war. When one asked the other whether he had forgiven their captors, the response was a firm “No, never!” The first prisoner wisely replied, “Well, they still have you in prison, don't they?”
Forgiveness is a powerful act of letting go of negative emotions, resentment, and anger toward those who have wronged us. It’s about choosing to move forward without seeking revenge or punishment, and instead, focusing on acceptance, understanding, and letting go of the emotional burden caused by the wrongdoing. By doing so, we free ourselves from pain and move toward healing and peace.
Dr. Frederic Luskin, a renowned psychologist and author, has dedicated his work to studying forgiveness and its impact on well-being. As the director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects, his research has shown that forgiveness brings a multitude of psychological and physiological benefits. It promotes emotional well-being, improves physical health, and cultivates positive relationships.
Why is it so hard to Forgive?
As human beings, we are wired for survival. We naturally assess our surroundings, seeking safety and security. We yearn for a world that aligns with our expectations, a world that functions in a predictable way that makes us feel safe. However, this desire for control is bound to disappoint us. The reality is that the world doesn't operate according to our individual wishes. It is a complex tapestry woven by over 8 billion imperfect human beings, each with their own hopes and flaws. It's no wonder why we can find ourselves frustrated and enraged, feeling let down by a world that fails to meet our personal expectations.
We end up mad at people:
There are so many missed expectations that it can be hard to trust anyone and feel safe. When we reach that point, we tend to place blame on others, and our survival instincts make it difficult to forgive. The longer we remain in this state without actively attempting to move forward, the more difficult it becomes, as we perpetuate our own misery while the world continues to evolve.
Another reason forgiveness proves to be challenging is that it is not a quick, one-time event. It is a profound process that takes place within the depths of our hearts. We must acknowledge any feelings of betrayal that may be present and allow ourselves to process grief, disappointment, anger, and any other emotions that obstruct the path to forgiveness. This requires time and patience, as we gradually work through these layers.
There's a tale I've encountered in forgiveness talks I’ve attended in the past about a man who wrote a letter to the IRS, confessing his guilt for cheating on his taxes. Along with the letter, he enclosed a bank check for $1,000, expressing his intent to pay the remainder if he still felt guilty later on. This story illustrates the journey of forgiveness - it’s a gradual process that unfolds over time.
The third aspect contributing to the difficulty of forgiveness lies in the misconception that forgiving implies condoning the behavior. It is crucial to distinguish between forgiving and forgetting. In my earlier story, when I forgave my manager, I did not forget the lessons I learned from the experience. Instead, I made a conscious decision to seek out the right people to work with. I now pay attention to early signs when things start to go astray and take appropriate action. I also coach aspiring job seekers to do the same by interviewing the hiring manager and the culture as much as they are being interviewed themselves during the interview process.
By acknowledging these three aspects that make forgiveness challenging, we can gain a deeper understanding of the process. It allows us to approach forgiveness with patience, self-compassion, and a commitment to our own growth and well-being.
The Path to Forgiveness
Set an Intention to Forgive
Setting an intention involves consciously and purposefully identifying a desired outcome or goal that you want to achieve. It’s about committing to taking actions that align with that goal. By clarifying your intentions and bringing your focus to them, you essentially create a pathway for progress.
When you set an intention to forgive, you actively cultivate the mindset and behaviors necessary for forgiveness to take place. It provides you with clear direction which makes the obstacles along the way more manageable.
Create Space for Forgiveness
Research shows that our brains need a break to unlock the forgiveness that already resides within us. Deep breathing allows the brain to relax and receive optimal oxygenation, shifting from a state of constant threat monitoring to a sense of safety. As a result, forgiveness, generosity, and compassion become more easily accessible and can arise more naturally.
Breathing exercises that enhance oxygenation are valuable, as well as the practice of STOP (Step out of the content, Take a few breaths, Observe yourself, Proceed) to create that space. This 4-minute recording can help you practice.
Another way to create space is by giving yourself permission to do nothing - excluding mindless phone surfing. This helps relax your guard and opens up possibilities for forgiveness by simply slowing down.
A compelling illustration of this concept was demonstrated in the famous Good Samaritan study from 1973. Social psychologists John Darley and Daniel Batson conducted a study to explore why people help others in certain situations. They studied seminary students who were training to become priests. The researchers asked 67 students to deliver a sermon on the Good Samaritan parable and then randomly assigned them to two conditions: hurried or unhurried. While walking alone to deliver their sermon, each student encountered a person in distress. The study revealed that only 10% of students in the hurried condition stopped to help, while 63% of those in the unhurried condition stopped. This suggests that being in a hurry can cause individuals, even with a Good Samaritan mindset, to overlook those in need.
Start with what comes easily
Like the other practices of heart, forgiveness also takes time to cultivate. Start with where forgiveness comes easily. It may be easier to forgive a child or a pet than an adult. Once you feel comfortable, try moving to the more difficult challenges in forgiveness.
Be willing to process and experience emotions that come with forgiveness
Forgiveness is an intricate and emotionally charged journey. It can be difficult to release the grip of anger, resentment, and other negative emotions toward those who have wronged us. That’s why it’s crucial to be willing to confront and engage with these emotions head on - an essential step in the forgiveness process.
Processing and experiencing emotions means acknowledging and allowing ourselves to feel the emotions that arise as a result of being wronged. This can be a painful and uncomfortable experience, but it is necessary for healing and moving forward. It is important to give ourselves time and space to fully process our emotions before attempting to forgive.
The practice of RAINN is a useful mediation practice that helps us process our emotions.
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Practice methods of forgiveness
You will find help throughout this article. The two techniques we have already shared in the sections above are the STOP and RAINN with a link to the recordings. In the section below, we discuss more methods and techniques for you to have a way that sparks you, to practice forgiveness.
Methods of Forgiveness
There are four methods that work rather well when you are on your way to cultivate the skill of forgiveness.
Dust off your remote control
This technique is about making conscious choices. Imagine you have a remote control with access to channels on a TV all about YOU.
One of these channels is The Grievance Channel. It’s all about the people who have wronged you and created misery in your life. The shows on this channel remind you in great depth of all the suffering you have had so far because of other people. It also goes on to project what impact this misery will have on the future. It’s bleak!
There is another channel called The Love Channel. This channel lets you observe the beauty of life. The shows on this channel help you feel grateful for the abundance that you may already have. They show forgiveness for the inevitable, small upsets that occur on a daily basis without letting them build up in anger over time.
Picture this remote control in your hand with two buttons for each of these channels. Consciously press the button for The Love Channel often.
Write a Forgiveness Letter
A forgiveness letter is a written communication addressed to someone who has hurt or wronged you in some way, expressing your decision to forgive them for their actions. The purpose of a forgiveness letter is to let go of any lingering resentment or anger toward the person, and to move forward toward healing.
You may choose to send or not send this letter based on circumstances.
It is important to note that forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgetting or condoning the behavior, but rather choosing to let go of the negative emotions and focusing on moving forward.
Here are elements of a forgiveness letter:
Perform small Acts of Forgiveness
Practice small acts of forgiveness on a daily basis. This helps to build muscle for times when we face bigger let downs or annoyances.
Here are some examples of small acts of forgiveness.
Meditate on Forgiveness
The Mindfulness of Forgiveness practice is a meditation technique that involves cultivating a compassionate and forgiving attitude toward oneself and those who we feel have wronged us. In this article, we have focused mostly on forgiving others, and self-forgiveness is also a skill we need.
The recording we have created for this practice has elements of both self-forgiveness and forgiveness of others. It can be helpful to make forgiveness easier over time by promoting a greater sense of inner peace and well-being.
As we cultivate the skills of forgiveness, compassion, and loving-kindness, we witness the profound impact they have on our lives and the world around us. It's as if the world becomes more vibrant, accommodating, forgiving, kinder, compassionate, and overflowing with love. People are inspired to bring not just their minds to their endeavors, but also their hearts, bodies, and souls.
In Mary Oliver's poem “A Settlement,” we glimpse nature's remarkable ability to renew itself and move forward. Just like nature, we too possess the capacity to release the burdens of pain and regret.
“Look, it’s spring. And last year’s loose dust has turned into this soft willingness. The wind-flowers have come up trembling, slowly the brackens are up-lifting their curvaceous and pale bodies. The thrushes have come home, none less than filled with mystery, sorrow, happiness, music, ambition.
And I am walking out into all of this with nowhere to go and no task undertaken but to turn the pages of this beautiful world over and over, in the world of my mind.
* * *
Therefore, dark past,
I’m about to do it.
I’m about to forgive you
for everything.”
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