Fostering Greater Civility

Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was surprised by a call I received a few days before I finished the manuscript for my 2022 book, Upon Reflection, from someone I have known for a few years. We have a few friends in common, do similar work, and bump into each other on occasion, but we would consider each other professional acquaintances and not friends. When we finished pleasantries, I asked him what I could do for him, and he responded, “You are one of the few people I think I can trust to give me an honest opinion on a controversial topic, and I would like to ask you a few questions if you are open to it.” Intrigued, I told him I would be glad to help and intently listened to what he had to say.

He shared that based on what he knew about me from my writings and our mutual friends, he assumed I would have firm opinions about a very contentious topic that has caused anger and division in our country for many years. He said he respected me and was very eager to hear my perspective. He admitted that he probably had the opposite view on the topic, but he wanted to understand where I was coming from and increase his level of understanding. I confirmed his assumption about my opinion and calmly shared my perspective. I carefully walked through my reasoning with him, gave him context, and shared a few clear examples to emphasize my point. He asked a few questions along the way and seemed to be cautiously avoiding sounding defensive or frustrated. When I was finished, I asked him to explain his reasoning to help me understand his point of view as well.

The same conversation played out in reverse as he calmly walked me through his perspective, giving examples and sharing context. He genuinely seemed to appreciate my questions and before we knew it, our conversation had gone on for nearly an hour. I was admittedly surprised that we calmly listened to each other and exhibited mutual respect. Although there was probably some tension below the surface because of the nature of the topic, we were careful to keep our emotions in check and restrained any animosity that we both may have felt.

There was an awkward silence when he finished until I said aloud what we were both likely thinking: “What just happened?”

He shared that he was sick of the anger and divisiveness that has caused so much polarization in our country and decided to do something that was decidedly countercultural, hence his call to me. I agreed wholeheartedly and thanked him for the courage, calmness, and civility he showed in reaching out. I know I will not change my opinion on this particular topic, and I suspect he won’t change his either, but we will agree to disagree, knowing we both heard each other out and improved our mutual understanding. We kept on chatting for another thirty minutes and were surprised to learn that we also had much in common. We agreed to continue the conversation over coffee in the coming weeks and I sincerely look forward to the discussion with someone who may become a new friend.

Why does this matter? I think we have all observed, hopefully with great concern, that difficult conversations like the one I just described rarely occur anymore. You see people’s opinions dismissed or belittled because of their political or religious affiliation, the color of their skin, their gender, and other various reasons. There is a tendency to go from zero to angry when difficult and contentious topics are raised, with both sides pointing fingers and voices being raised . . . or senseless violence being the unfortunate result. There was a time when we debated ideas, shared different opinions, and found ways to compromise and collaborate for the greater good in our country. Are those days long gone? Will they ever return?

We may disagree with one another on a number of things, but we must respect one another’s perspective and one another’s right to share that perspective in a calm and reasonable way. Any person or group who tries to shut down discussion and the debate of ideas and thoughts makes themselves resemble tyrants and dictators who can’t defend the hollowness and errors of their thinking. I think reasonable people have had enough.

A Recipe for Civility

The call I referred to at the beginning of the post holds many keys to improving civility. Here are seven additional ideas to consider as you engage in future potentially difficult conversations:

1. Start with mutual respect and courtesy. The gentleman who reached out to me set the tone with respect and courtesy at the very beginning of our conversation, and it made a huge difference in our ability to have a calm and reasonable discussion. We also both chose to be personable and friendly, not disagreeable.
2. Actively listen. One of the greatest catalysts for productive conversations is to actively listen and show understanding. Don’t impatiently listen until it is your turn to speak. Listen to understand the other person’s point of view. “The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when someone asked me what I thought and attended to my answer” (Henry David Thoreau).
3. Free speech is a fundamental right for all, even if you don’t like what someone says. In a quote often erroneously attributed to Voltaire, Evelyn Beatrice Hall wrote: “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” You may not like what the other person is saying, but they absolutely have a right to say it, as do we all.
4. We might learn something new. Try being more curious and ask thoughtful questions. If we approach conversations with a desire to learn, we might gain new perspectives and deeper understanding. We might even change our minds.
5. Keep emotions in check. This one can feel very challenging, especially during a contentious discussion on a difficult topic. Being animated and fully engaged is just fine but be mindful when anger and frustration bubble to the surface and work hard to keep these emotions in check.
6. Social media is not conducive to civil discussions. I received a phone call that resulted in a ninety-minute discussion on a tough topic. We vetted the contentious topic thoroughly from all angles in a calm and respectful manner. A frustrated tweet or angry Facebook post will only invite vitriol and a series of “gotcha” comments. Get on the phone or meet in person if at all possible!
7. Sometimes we have to be courageous. The call I received was an act of courage. This man had no idea how I would react or the outcome of our conversation. It will take increased acts of courage like this and more of us bravely stepping up if we are going to tilt the scales back toward civility.

I am not the expert on civility and need to work on this like many of us. I believe, as I hope you will agree, that we have more in common with one another than we are often willing to admit. Let’s sit down and calmly reason together rather than assume the worst of one another. If someone disagrees with us, we have an opportunity to listen, share, thoughtfully persuade them, or maybe just agree to disagree—and hopefully not get frustrated, become angry, and walk away. Our anger and frustration should never lead to breaking the law or violence of any kind. As I’ve shared before in other posts, G.K. Chesterton said it best: “We men and women are all in the same boat upon a stormy sea. We owe to each other a terrible and tragic loyalty.”

Fostering greater civility at work, home, and the community starts with you and me. Let’s embrace the challenge.

After reading this post, consider how you view the level of civility around you. How can you make a difference in promoting civility over the next few weeks? What will you do differently?

*This post is adapted from Chapter 26 of Upon Reflection: Helpful Insights and Timeless Lessons for the Busy Professional

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Randy Hain is the president of Serviam Partners, the award-winning author of 11 books, an executive coach, leadership consultant and thought leader on candor, clarity, time management, accountability and business relationships. He is also the co-founder of The Leadership Foundry.