Friendship - An Essential Commodity of Relationship to survive the Change

Friendship is an essential part of life, but our relationships with friends don’t stay stagnant over time. “Whatever you have to do, however you have to do it - make time for your friendships,” author Amy Weatherly wrote. “Make time for the people who feel like home, because they matter, and they don’t come around very often. We need them just as much now as we did back then.”

While reflecting on few most important memories that I was created 2022 which is unforgettable includes fabulous time spent with friends. In April’22, had a wonderful silver jubilee reunion of my Engineering Batchmates. For 32 of us, meeting at college is regular affair over last 30 years. It was June 1991 when 32 young buddies from various part of the country joined T K I ET Warananagar …They were strangers at that point in time……It is the same month when Central Government declared Liberalization Policies…..They were allocated hostel rooms on the same floor in the same building. This is time when bond is created within those 32 strangers. Thereafter during next four years, all those 32 members stayed together and kept meeting every six months without fail. They also started EEST Scholarship program at the ALMA matter. For this meet, all of them went together in a bus and cherished all old memories. As usual, we met again in November’22.

In August’22, my class of 10th passed out from NESS Satara in 1989 met. This is again a regular affair. Naturally due to pandemic in 2020 & 2021, such meets were not happened. Therefore, it was big excitement to meet school friends after gap of three years.

On 18th December where all my friends and co-stars from Theatre Academy came together to celebrate baby showers of our most loving friend. We all together played in around 7 plays. “# Mee TOO” was one of the famous play which got awards as well as recognition in Media.

Icing on the cake is 25th December when we all friends from my earlier assignment at Atul Ltd came together. It is now more than 16 years that I left Atul but this friendship is still as loving and fresh as it was in May 2000 when I joined this great organization. Fortunately, I was at Nariman Point and while coming back could meet all my friends at Ashapura Minechem, the organization which I left in July 2007. It was warm welcome by all of them. Had wonderful lunch together with Geeta who is now Executive Director at Ashapura Minechem who my BOSS was then and Vandana who was my subordinate then and now GM.

My existing organization Galaxy Surfactants itself is founded by FIVE childhood friends and Friendship is its core. Everyone calls each other with Names irrespective of post, position or experience. Friends means you respect each other’s views, fight but come together at very next moment. There is no place for egos in the friendship. This friendship and friendly culture helped me to work here for almost 16 years now. Though I was lateral recruit, this friendly culture of friendship absorbed me, accommodated me and helped me to evolve. This is the organization where people process is known a People Energy.

While looking back at these relationships, I believe Friends are your extended family. It is beautiful relationship which does not have age, cast, religion, post, position in between. Extended family helps you to express, share and enjoy. Extended family of friends is a place where you release your stress. Over period, these bonds are only strengthened and strengthened and strengthened.

Changing job for sake of money was never an intent. When one stay with an organization for a reasonably long period of time, it helps to create meaningful relationships and deep friendships. Change shall be in line with your long-term career goals and new competencies & skills that it offers. When you change the job frequently, it does not offer any opportunity to build your roots anywhere. We human beings are social creatures and these social relationship and friendships nourishes us and nurtures us a Human. By changing frequently, one loose lot of social and emotional connections.

Being International Business Professional, I also enjoyed deeper and meaningful friendships and relationships across the borders of various countries with people of diversified cultures.

Personally, I made few changes in career including organizations and cities. Any change is full on uncertainty. External world also changed. Friends across diversified experiences helped me to survive change. Friends grow up, become busy, move away, and start families. It doesn’t mean you have to leave each other behind. Here’s how to keep the support going and what I learned from my extended family of friends to survive through changes.

Friendships are love stories too. It is important to explore and appreciate the beauty and complexities of friendship, as well as what makes it so powerful. How to navigate conflicts and deepen your friendships to uplifting stories of reconnections and advice on making new friends, these stories are reminders of the joy, value, and meaning that companionship brings to our lives.

“Our friendship was very much founded in the ability to make each other laugh and have fun together,” which was unexpected despite of having entirely different wavelengths. Still, we craved each other’s presence and valued our differences.

Although they had their own lives and friends, they became anchors for each other, knocking on each other’s doors to talk and vent late at night.

Sometimes we felt like drifting apart as they submerged even deeper into different ends of college life. Schedules never seemed to align; chats and coffee dates became less frequent. This was the first time that we had that experience [where] we couldn’t see each other frequently. But actually “That was a really big bonding moment.” That’s where we realized we are pillars to each other.

When my world feels upended, I need that friend to be a constant in my life and to be there to help me process new transitions. Even in those moments of distance when we all were working at carious cities, we are always there for each other.

Seasons of change is a time when we need a familiar face the most; someone who knew us before we were hit by a tidal wave of the unknown. “We need each other to provide a sense of consistency during the change”. When I’m having this disruption and my world feels upended and I’m going through something new, I need that friend to be a constant in my life and to be there to help me process new transitions.” One should see friendship as a malleable entity. “You have to adapt if you want to stay in each other’s lives”. It’s about getting comfortable with the fact that as you grow older, your friendship is never going to look like it used to. The key is to be excited by how your friendship is evolving.

Here are my learnings to build long lasting, meaningful friendly relationships :

Acknowledge the shift

When we feel ourselves or our friends drifting, it’s easy to take the back seat and ride it out. But being reactive, rather than proactive, is how that drift can lead to a split. “The first thing is to simply acknowledge the change. Acknowledge that it’s happening; acknowledge that it’s real,” says Kat Vellos, the author of “We Should Get Together” and “Connected From Afar”. “We can’t deny it, even if we don’t like it.”

If you judge your friend or try encouraging them not to change, it can create tension, and they might end up pushing you away rather than putting the change aside. “Resist the temptation to try to convince them to stop what they’re doing,” Vellos says, “and be who you want them to be. Because that’s not actually being a friend; that’s trying to be some kind of dictator. That’s not friendship.”

The connection coach says that it’s okay to feel blue and give yourself space to process it. “When you come to a turning point in a relationship, it sometimes means that the way you were friends in the past, it might not ever look like that again. If you need to grieve the loss of what that was like, please, by all means, take time to do that.” Then, start looking forward to what this chapter of your friendship can become.

Don’t make assumptions

You might pull away, thinking your friend needs space, that you can’t relate to each other anymore, or that they’re about to let you go, but oftentimes, that’s not the case. While it helps to be cognizant of life events as potential sparks for change for one or both of you, making assumptions about change can actually do more harm than good.

“We’ll notice the shift in the friendship and say, ‘Oh, I guess that’s what our friendship is like now,’” Jackson says, rather than “‘This can look however we want.’” The friendship coach has seen instances where one friend has a child or loses a job, so the other presumes they can’t hang out anymore and stops inviting them out. While you may think this is a noble act, it can actually hurt your friendship.

On the other hand, maybe you don’t tell a friend about a change you’re going through because you assume they aren’t interested in what’s going on. “There’s a lot of conversation that is not happening, creating a larger disconnect and divide,” Jackson says. The bottom line is: Don’t assume you know what your friend needs, and furthermore, don’t let it dictate your behaviour.

Spark a conversation

Whether you are getting ahead of the change, or it takes you by surprise, communicate that you’d like to talk about it with care and kindness. “You want to ask for that consent and participation,” Vellos says. “People are more likely to come to a conversation if they opted into it. They’re not feeling like you’re springing it on them or catching them off guard with something.”

One way to lead that conversation is with intention, expressing that you’d like to hold on to the friendship despite the change. You can also approach the dialogue in a more open-ended fashion, saying you’d like to hear about what might work for them in the first few months of the transition. Vellos encourages both parties to talk through and listen to how they feel about the change, what they’re worried about, and what they’re hopeful for.

Figure out what you or your friend needs

Whether a person is going through a breakup, a layoff, or a move, they are being forced to stop what they’re doing and relearn a new way of living. Understand that when a transition happens to someone, they are processing two beasts: the physical change as well as their emotions surrounding it.

This is why it’s important to consider what kind of support or connection would feel good to you, Vellos says. “Think about what would work for you, and then ask the other person if they’re open to being there in that type of support for you.” If your friend is the one going through this tough time, it can also take a load off their shoulders to provide them with a variety of possibilities on how you can help. Vellos lists a few:

• Tangible support (“Would you consider being part of my childcare village?” or “Can I help you research apartments or neighborhoods for your move?”)
• Emotional support (“Can I vent to you for 10 minutes?” or “Do you want to come over and cry?”)
• Companionate support (“Can you help me shop for furniture?” or “Can I go with you to your doctor’s appointment?”)

Agree on a level of involvement

After you decide what you both need, discuss how involved each of you wants to be — or can be — in the process. “Be collaborators in how you’re going to navigate these new waters,” Vellos says. If you’re going someplace new, how do you want to get there?

Vellos encourages pals to come up with a plan and agree to hold each other “not just accountable, but in loving care in how you work together to go to that new place in your friendship together.” Jackson adds that when you verbally say what you are committed to doing, you are more inclined to actually do so.

Then, have check-ins to see what is or isn’t working for both of you. “It might be different two weeks from now than it is today,” Vellos says. When you make the amount of involvement as clear as possible, less feelings are hurt on both ends.

Pivot if a little space is needed

If your friend makes it clear that they don’t have the capacity for catching up, Vellos says to thank them for their honesty, because there’s no point in trying to share emotions or time with someone who doesn’t have the mental space for it. Check back in when life has calmed down and your friend is not as overwhelmed so you can listen to each other in a reciprocal way.

Vellos says to remember that while the change may be taking you by surprise, it’s most likely taking them by surprise even more so. “When someone’s going through a big change — especially a move to a new place — in the short term, they don’t have capacity to connect because they’re immersed in an entirely new world,” Vellos says. “They’re trying to meet new friends, [figure out] how the bus works, how to get their groceries. And they’re actually so overwhelmed with the day-to-day decisions, confusion, and discombobulation that they don’t actually have capacity for hanging out and watching Netflix together.”

In the meantime, there are other ways to deal with your thoughts. Pull out your journal, take a dance class, or find another friend who has the capacity to speak with you. Research has shown that putting our feelings into words has therapeutic effects in the brain and makes our sadness, anger, and pain less intense. Know that it’s acceptable to manage or express your emotions with somebody else or in another way. “That will be a better fit in that moment,” Vellos says, “than trying to push it on somebody who can’t actually take it on right now.”

Reflect on your own relationship with change

If you are still having an adverse reaction to your friend changing, Vellos says to consider your own relationship to the concept of change. Is it scary? Is it exciting? Is it a source of worry and fear? Or opportunity? “If you think that change is negative,” she asks, “why is that?”

The perspective you’re holding could be standing in the way of connection. “What might need reframing is not necessarily the change your friend is going through,” Vellos says, “but it’s really your own mental concept of what change means and how you mentally approach it.” Vellos encourages you to talk about it in your journal or, if you feel comfortable, with a therapist. It might not only improve your relationship with your friend, but your life overall.

The perspective you’re holding could be standing in the way of connection.

Give it time

While you may have been friends for years, you’ve never been friends in this new way and in this new terrain. It takes time to know how to support and be there for each other. “We have to remember, ‘My friend is going through a change,’” Jackson says. “I don’t know this new version of [them] yet, but I will learn, and we’ll continue to evolve together.”

“It’s not like friendship is static,” Vellos says, “and it has to always be the same intensity forever. It’s okay to say our friendship might change this way for a little while. And then let’s connect again and see if it’ll change this way for a little while. … Just keep going, like a river keeps flowing, even though it has bends and curves in it. It doesn’t have to just flow straight.”

Know the difference

Changing, Jackson says, is when your friend may begin to seem a bit unfamiliar to you because of how they spend their time or because the environment they spend their time in looks different. Growing apart, on the other hand, is when you start to notice a change in yourself. Losing interest in your friend’s life altogether, having limited capacity or desire to stay connected, and being unable to relate to them at all may be signs that your friendship is experiencing a “sunset,” as Vellos calls it. That doesn’t mean at some point in the future, though, you can’t rekindle a relationship.

While growing apart is a type of change, Vellos says, not all change is growing apart. Reflect on if you still relate to each other and whether you have a mutual motivation to stay connected. “If that mutuality is there [that] this is still meaningful … then the change doesn’t have to be something that pulls you apart. It can actually deepen your friendship because it means you’ve been able to roll with each other continuously through the variety of ebbs and flows, and you just have greater and greater context about each other as human beings.”

If you’re the one going through the change, believe that your friends can handle it. “Don’t think that they can’t still love, accept, and support you through this difference,” Vellos says. “Try to hold an open mind to the idea that they can not only handle the change, but they can also be excited for you. They can also be a source of support, a cheerleader, and a source of grounding. There’s so many ways that we can show up for each other. Change doesn’t have to mean saying goodbye.”

Thanks Mia Brabham, staff writer at Shondaland, for enlightening me always about friendship through your writings.