From Survival Mode to Intentional Living: The Breaks that Defined Me

Since 2021, I have been on three distinct breaks—each an unexpected chapter unraveling and putting together my view of myself. The first one began as a self-imposed pause, and also because it was mildly fashionable those days. The second one was driven by the pursuit of purpose, redefining self-worth, and taking action on self-care. The third break morphed into a transformative journey, helping to make me doubly sure of who I was and who I wanted to be growing up. 

These breaks, marked by moments of anxiety and self-reflection, unexpectedly became moments and phases of self-discovery, resilience, and the redefinition of personal worth.

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My childhood was a flurry of fight, flight, and freeze. Financial insecurity was centre stage in my young adult years, and my breaks helped me come out of that survival mindset. This journey, layered with grief, newfound interests, and the embrace of meditation, unfolded in ways I wouldn’t know to imagine.

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Break One: Seeking Clarity        

The first break was a deliberate intermission—a sabbatical initiated to figure out what kind of work I wanted to do, and which companies I wanted to work for. Little did I know that these two questions were the least of my troubles. It was a break at a convenient time. I was settling into a new home in a new city and figuring out who I was in these new relationships. It gave me time to get to know my non-work self. 

By the second month of the break, I was almost shocked that no new offers had come my way. In my head, at least, I thought I was a coveted resource. I let societal expectations guide me—I reached out for more jobs, spoke to tons of people, and made no progress. 

I became deeply aware of my career choices and looked at myself like a resume. I realised that my entrepreneurial stint wasn’t being looked at well in a post-pandemic world. I too found it unsettling to explain my choices, especially when I just did everything that felt right to me at that time. I never imagined that my ability to take risks with my career would stand in my way of being employed. 

And then finally, one day, after a cursory WhatsApp conversation, an opportunity clicked, and that ended Break One for me. Happy to have a pay check hitting, and beginning work with a small stage start-up in the content space with a small team, I thought I could happily spend a few years here.

I took away nothing from this break except that I don’t do well in financial insecurity - and I didn’t need a break to know that. I just lived through a self imposed one, and I don’t know if it did anything for me spiritually. I don’t think I was looking for anything spiritual then. 

Break 2: The Unplanned Crossroads         

Break Two was an involuntary interlude. Since it was not orchestrated and much less anticipated, it threw me into uncertainty, questioning my self-worth and challenging the stability of my financial foundations.

There was barely a gap of 90 days between the end of the first break and the beginning of the second break. 

Navigating this forced pause—where I was angry, relieved, defeated, lonely, sad, and joyful—was overwhelming, to say the least. Anxiety and self-doubt were constant, and I had started questioning if I was truly no good. 

👉🏽 I was angry, defeated, and sad because my work was judged incorrectly, and I wasn’t understood. 

👉🏽 I was relieved and joyful because I had begun to feel the strain of being judged in my body long before, and I was ignoring that for the money. 

👉🏽 Lonely because nobody in my immediate network could identify with the feeling of not having a job for so long. 

This break untethered me. I was dangerously unhappy, and lost. I coped by spending time with family, and I started cooking. I walked a lot.

During this phase, though, I found kindness from the most unexpected sources. 9/10 cold emails and cold texts went unanswered. And the one that replied was just too beautiful. I think I was at the end of my courage and facade by then. I just couldn’t keep it up. And these two people replied. 

I am sharing a snippet of their reply.

The email goes on, but it was the first time that somebody had acknowledged that the struggle that I was facing in my head wasn’t only in my head. It really was a struggle, and my feelings and emotions were justified. My friends and family were with me through these tough times, but not in the same boat. My friends couldn't relate to not landing a job after months of trying. And this reply almost made me feel like, It's okay, these times also come around in life once in a while.

That reply gave me the energy to carry on some more. Once again, after a cursory WhatsApp conversation, I landed my next gig. And that calmed my mind. I let myself be lulled into that new space; money was coming in, the work was good, and I worked remotely most of the time, so everything was okay. This meant that if I sensed minor red flags, I ignored them. 

The money, and the routine were too important to worry about anything else. Also, in hindsight, I wouldn't have quit of my own accord. But I would have continued to look for my next gig. It’s just that after being on a break for so long—almost two consecutive ones—I was just too exhausted to do anything. 

Break Three: Crafting a New Narrative        

The third break was marked by the end of the contract. It was predetermined, and I wasn’t alarmed by the end. Unlike its predecessors, in this break, I was relaxed at the beginning. I was also managing some medical challenges at home, and I could be fully present because of the break. 

I read, I applied for interviews, and I reached out to my network, but with a lot of calm. 

When this break threatened to become like the last one, I started writing a book. I had always wanted to publish, and there would be no better time than this one. So I wrote, and I published Purvi’s Creative Odyssey. 

While the job search and interviews were on, I started teaching meditation and helping kids express themselves through art. Neither of those was with the intent of making a living; it was simply doing. 

I found myself saying no to a few opportunities that would’ve meant uprooting my current lifestyle. It happened quietly in the way of life. One was paying too little, another was paying less and needed me to relocate, yet another was negotiating quite a few times for a paltry amount—and in all those situations, I quietly decided to choose myself. 

With each of those micro decisions that I took, I started carving out what I really wanted my life to look like. 

Of course, there were days when I was distraught, overwhelmed, sad, angry, lonely, and jealous, but on none of those days was I willing to compromise what I truly wanted out of my life. I want to continue staying in a small town, where everything is walkable. I am good at traveling intermittently. I want my air to have less pollution than the metros and the weather to be kinder to me. 

It took three breaks to figure that out.

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That question that adults ask children when they visit—

What do you want to be when you grow up?         

I think I finally have the answer to it now. 

I want to be me. Whoever that is. I want slow mornings, and deep sleep. I want peaceful meditation time. I want the joy of building something from scratch and seeing it take up space in people’s lives. I want profound relationships, and I want to read, paint, and write. That’s that. I want to be me.